Archive of ‘Life’ category

This is not the new me

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Usually a makeover is for the better,however  sometimes people get “make unders.”    I received  what I’d call  a make under, that came in the form of a  massive stroke. In this version rather then  getting something  better, I  have  received something   terrible(i.e paralysis  and a loss of independence). Many people like therapists and doctors, like to allude to this kind of makeover  as being  my new form. However, just because  this is how it is right now, doesn’t mean  I  have to accept it. To accept bad circumstances, would be  a  form of  settling. In  India’s fight against the British Empire, Gandhi declared “They may have my dead body, but they will not have my obedience.” In the same way, the stroke may have nearly ruined my life, but it will not defeat my spirit  or  break my will. We  possess the capacity to evolve and improve, We are never truly stuck. You don’t have to   self identify with  the lesser. Just as an act of love can create a domino effect  for positive change,an act of self defeat can spiral into accepting less then We  can achieve. This isn’t to suggest that We should opt to be self serving and greedy(as many already are)but  instead to not settle for less then We are capable of.

I certainly  don’t declare  myself a cripple or identify as being disabled. Instead, I refute  these notions and labels, because you will receive what your expecting. Therefore, you should expect more for yourself in life. Many times We create our own limits. Your capable of so much more then your led to believe. Once you start paying attention to your self defeating thoughts or people’s statements, it’s important to negate them either  verbally or mentally if you have to. Instead of accepting the statement “You won’t or can’t. change that to “I will or I  can.” When you start paying attention to these things, you’ll find that people say(yourself included)these self defeating statements at an alarming rate. Little do  people realize that words have power. They have the ability to tear down or build up.  As well as the ability to bring into life a new creation. Be careful of the words that leave your mouth and enter your mind. “For out of the heart the mouth speaks.” What’s in your heart will manifest itself into reality. Since this is the case be sure to guard your heart!

Love with no limits,

bleu

At your funeral

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people at a funeral

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”    -Garrison Keillor.

I’ll admit, I’ve gotten teary eyed at the thought of my own death and imagining my funeral. However, I didn’t consider how the other people would feel at my funeral. Perhaps this was a sign of my selfishness. As people We all fall prey to this  selfish thinking. That is one of the biggest reasons why I don’t bother caring what other people think about me. Because frankly, no one is likely  thinking that much about you except yourself! In opening up to other people more I’m more likely to feel emotion for them,which  naturally leads to a deeper connection. After being seriously hospitalized I no longer had to imagine my funeral, because I narrowly missed it in reality.  This time around in thinking about it  I became teary eyed for other people. This is because not too long ago my Father  gave me a  mental  picture of a moment in time that I was not present for. At the time I was in a coma which effectively blanked out a large portion of(20 days)consciousness. In sharing a personal memory He gave me an inroad to his reality during that time. While I was  in a coma, He played thumb war with my limp right hand. This is significant  because as a child We often played this silly game. All I could think of is how alone in a Hospital room He took my lifeless hand aside and tried  to bring some life back into that same small hand, just as it was when I was completely okay. This brought into reality someone  else at  my funeral. The thought of another person’s heartbreak, brought tears to my eyes and  not just for myself. It pained me to think of my sweet Father watching his  only child dying,and so badly wanting that little girl  of thumb war days back.  Imagine if We were all as receptive to each others feelings?  How then,would the world change? I wouldn’t doubt that such a thing would make World peace and the need for charities disappear. I have also found that the  happier I am in myself and excited about life, I naturally begin to connect with my fellow human beings(or want to for that matter). This is because it has a way of expanding your heart’s boundaries.

Cross your borders!

bleu

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The walking books

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“So often people act like they don’t want to be bothered, but I think they yearn for that.” -Iris Apfel

We all have a story, but how often  is the cover  of that book completely misleading?

The best connections and  intimacies   happen when We allow or are allowed to peel back the pages of another person’s  book. So often it seems that were not allowed to do this. Paper books are  read  and written,but not   our own. Why must We keep our personal stories so secret?  It is this lack of sharing and misleading covers that keep us so very disconnected. While it may not be obvious, there is a strong undercurrent in humanity that   screams out for connection. Why else are there so many blogs,gangs,addictions,attempted suicides,rich therapists,and internet forums? The very existence of such  things is proof of the latter. As a society We succeed at many things, but it is in this realm that we  miserably fail. During my recovery I found myself wanting to talk to everyone(even strangers)to the point of having to be reminded not to do it like some sort of child. I simply found myself actually wanting to know people. In having to take a closer look at my own story, I badly wanted to know others. Because at the moment  my pages   were(are)suspended in  disbelief, and I desperately needed to find  some common ground with my fellow humans. There are so many problems I see that could easily be fixed if there was some support. It’s as if since the culture of the  Leave  It to Beaver 1950’s,we have effectively learned how to remove our hands from supporting the crowd surfer overhead. In doing this they fall to the ground and hopefully haven’t broken anything. However, would any of us even stop to ask them if they’re alright?  I’ve gotten  some of the greatest pleasure in simply being allowed to get to know someone. It’s not often when a total stranger allows you to read their book. I have found that in places of  injury(rehab) people are the most open and willing to  have a connection.  Devastation is the great equalizer. When the world is seemingly ending, there is no time to create prejudices, categories,or invisible rules. We are all simply people in need of love,safety,food,and shelter. The real tragedy lies in the fact that until someone tries to destroy that world(ours or  actually)We blissfully operate in these divides. Never has it been more evident to me that “United We stand,but alone,We fall.”

Open up your book!

bleu

Cacoon

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“Sometimes when you go through a  dark period, you come out on the other side even more beautiful.”-unknown.

Everyone has gone through a dark time, in the beginning it’s always  difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel(or if there is any at all). After being discharged from the Hospital, and being able to  take into account the gravity of my situation, I saw nothing but  a  gaping  black hole,and at  times I still feel that way.  However, with a very large dose of some real hope(God and physical progress) I was finally able to start seeing if only but a glimmer, the light reflecting off of something  that I couldn’t entirely comprehend. Any  notions of a linear life timeline that I had  previously thought of was now effectively bent into all different directions. I had set myself afoot on a pathway that checked off most of the(in my mind)practical boxes. A  great secure job,a nice place to live, a savings,and a  closet full of clean( if fashionable)clothes.However, on this  new winding path, I had a problem, because my  previous path had disappeared on me! Now I was left blindly  searching to get back on   my path once again. It was as if I were  Alice in Wonderland  asking the Cheshire cat for directions and  I was beginning to realize  that  rather then follow a  path, I’d  likely have to make my own. Each of us is making a path,but sometimes you get stuck in a  particularly hard patch that’s rough to cut through. You can  consume all the self help books you want,but nothing quite teaches or shapes  you like experience. Besides cliche’ one liners can only comfort you so much, before you decide to throw the book out and write your own. The thing is, quite a few of those one liners are actually  correct. Particularly the ones on hardship,storms,and transformation(as the quote above). Unfortunately though, some transformations  can be painful. Just as a blacksmith beats iron into  shape, sometimes were beat into shape as well. The good news is, that We usually come out on the other side better. Even though I cannot see it now, my better sense  tells me that there is a dawn and it’s coming will  bring with it the  songs of the morning birds and my ransom from a dark cage. The question is, now that the path is gone,where will the new one  I forge lead?  Now his is the fun part(and terrifying)because you’ll find the answer is a  resounding, “anywhere!” It’s okay to fall off the path once in awhile, so long as you don’t stray too far and just know that you  possess the power to create a new one.

Fly high butterflyblue-morpho!

bleu

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Social Media Savior

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“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.”
John Lennon.

While  social media is a curse and a blessing, I’ve found it to be a blessing in my particular situation. Getting back on Facebook after I had disappeared for a year allowed me to update and get back in  touch with the many friends I had missed. I received comments akin to “Oh thank God, when I saw you were back I was relieved!”  As much as some despise social media it does serve a purpose. For me, it meant letting people know that I was okay after a huge accident. Without these  interactions, I would have lost touch with quite a few people. This proved especially important since I was isolated in recovery and had seemingly dropped off the face of the Earth. This led me to contemplate what social media means to those   people that  find themselves isolated( as well,or home bound because of an illness. It  could very well be their only means to a social life. For many(myself included) it’s  a fishing line cast into an Ocean   that is the  world. The problem is, that it gives a false sense of connection without actually being “connected.”  For this reason our cyber life  needs to  be balanced  with real life interactions as well.  Otherwise, it could actually achieve the opposite effect and make a person feel lonely. More  recently I’ve hopped  on the bandwagon that is Snapchat. Have you heard of this?   Since I felt like the Glass Man in the film Amelie(watch the video below!)

click here—–>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9y2bsfZzgPs

Snapchat became like the pleasant little video that  let me in on the lives of friends and the rest of the ”outside world.” Despite the merits of social media We mustn’t forget the person that’s behind the computer screen or on the  other end of the keyboard. It’s all too easy to have many “friends,” but in actuality be   alone.Therefore, pick up a phone,write a letter,hop  on(or in)  your transportation of choice and make a real connection. You might just find you enjoy  the world of  three dimension!

Cheers and paper over e-mail,

bleu

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If love tears us apart,tragedy brings us together.

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“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” -Charlie  Chaplin.

Through my recovery I’ve discovered an invisible divide.  Even when  surrounded by people in the general public, I felt as if I was on the other side of a chasm. Because while I could physically reach out and touch another person, they were still miles away.  I could voice what I was going through, but nothing quite explains it like shared experience does.  Fortunately, that chasm  feels like it’s getting more narrow. I’ve   even found myself happy when a friend came to me with  something  scary or possibly tragic that had happened. While I certainly don’t wish for anything bad to befall them, I found myself becoming comfortable in the space of rehabilitation(mind,body,and soul) it was in these places where broken people came to be  “fixed,” that I was at ease. Am I broken? No, but perhaps  the world  would generally see it that way. It was in rooms   for rehabilitation, that I wished my friends could be there too. As if it were some type of inclusive club, I wanted them to join too.  If common interests bring two people into friendship, it’s a tragedy that can truly meld them together. I didn’t like being on the other side of an invisible wall watching the world  pass by me. A world that had  jobs,social lives,significant others,the ability to drive,independence,freedom,and went to bed every night without  having to wear braces or go to therapy, but generally their time was spent how they  wanted. I felt as though my life,time,and freedom of choice had been hijacked by  the  most evil of beings.  I   desired to bring a friend into my  “fishbowl,”not to  commiserate, but to relate.  Bonds are built and strengthened when you go through a tragedy with someone. It  beats you up initially, then it leaves you open. In the aftershock,you stumble around   and bump into other confused  victims.  In meeting them you can  understand and  relate to the bandages that both of you now need.  I don’t consider myself a victim,but rather a survivor,and  what do survivors do? They  take the lessons  learned to rebuild, fight back, and become stronger. Because of  that initial beating I’ve had to  rebuild too and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

– Keep on your boxing gloves,

bleu

Unlimited Miracles

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“Whether you think you can or think you can’t either way, you are right.” -Henry Ford.

In a world ravaged by the pains  of “reality,” it’s easy to forget that miracles do happen. By all accounts and in reality, I very well should not be here(see here) or  find it difficult to communicate with you. However, I’ve defied the odds because of a miracle. It’s easy  for us to limit ourselves as well as miracles. What many people don’t  acknowledge is  our limitless possibilities as humans, it’s one of the most beautiful things about us. I used to think I had to make things happen, which in many ways I did. When  you take responsibility for your reality,monitor your thoughts,and actively choose to change it,good things manifest in your life. Just because  you cannot see it in the physical sense doesn’t mean it’s not there. Our lives begin in our mind. Therefore, don’t self identify  with your doubts, or put up with negative thoughts, they can be countered and they’re simply not you. It’s difficult at first to counter the  little voices that tell you, you can’t but after  some time it becomes easy(even fun to thwart them!)and with them out of the way it will allow your confidence to blossom. Our thoughts  can produce our reality. To quote the bible “You shall know them by their fruits.” We can be trees that blossom,multiply,and are  fruitful! Much of it begins in our minds. If the circumstances don’t agree with you, strive to actively change them. To  do this you will find yourself having to negate all those sentences that begin with but, I can’t, and don’t. The mind is a battlefield and often you can be your own worst enemy. Rather then comply, fight  the path of least resistance and go against the grain. This can become a chore but when you bear the fruits of  that labor, they will surely be sweet.  Too often We let  ”reality,” limit our miracles.  I’ve had to tell people  to stop being so realistic! The fact is, We create our own glass ceilings. Sometimes it’s us that create the limits or it can be others. One of many solutions would be to  either hangout with like minded people,ignore  the naysayers,or  address it(tactfully).  The best adventure stories are those that overcome the odds and  make their way  through a battle and claim the victory. I don’t believe that anybody held(or wrote?) a story about a heroine that always gave into doubts and fears in high esteem.  During this life write your own  epic adventure and certainly don’t be afraid of the battles.

May you win every war and cheers!

bleu

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Pick your poison.

6293413042b92f609a118362d020e099If I’m anxious and I  pinpoint where I lost my peace, that will usually expose the lie I believed. -Bill Johnson.

Our thought life is just as important to us as our physical world because thoughts can manifest into the physical. Throughout my recovery it has been  essential to  think as positive as possible(or sometimes not at all) I found that what I read,listened to,and believed in had a big affect on how I felt. I now avoid or simply don’t do the things that have proven to be toxic and bring me down. Many times I’ve had to block out the bad things people have said in order to continue with a hopeful and determined spirit. Whatever brings you down or dashes your hope is usually a lie. Sometimes you have to put on “earmuffs,” and continue on with what you know to be true. I’ve found that you simply have to ignore the snakes in your apple tree because they only serve to bring you down. There are many forms a snake can take. It could be your Doctor, a stranger,an article that focuses on the negative,internet forums(strangers) or  even a coworker.  I have learned the hard way to avoid using Google too much  or  especially any internet forums! As it turns out both will either  give you false information or seriously bring you down. The solution?  Simply immerse  yourself in what is light and steer clear of any darkness. My recovery has been a fight for my life in many ways so I choose to avoid what could bring me down. As  a general observation it seems the majority of the population will take from you(in the physical or spiritual) so stick by those that know how to give and lift you up. As I think We all know, life is  just too short to let someone(or something) steal your precious time with  doubt,worry,fear,or grudges. Going through life without  encountering these things is nearly impossible. However, it is possible to choose to not  let it effect  you. As it turns out when dealing with these things, getting angry actually helps. At some point when your sick of these things trying to bring you down, it’s time to fight back. Thwart those thoughts, keep good company, and by all means don’t” Google it.”

      http://lmgtfy.com/?q=the+power+of+words  Oddly enough not everything that has power is physical, your words can pack a punch too. Speak  with words what you want to bring into existence. Were creative beings, therefore our words create our realities. This gives validity to the  belief that speaking to your plants will help them grow. We are just as organic and words can help us grow as well.  Rather then spitting poison darts  at others or even yourself, watch what you say, think,and take in from others because just as  these can build you up, they can also tear you down. We all need to learn how to speak life into ourselves, and each other. Because a positive force propels you upward not downward.   

Onward&Upward!

bleu

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Limits

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Do   your circumstances limit you? Not only can your circumstances limit you physically, but sometimes also mentally. I had a worrisome thought recently that perhaps my circumstances had begun to limit me mentally.(free your mind here!)This I think is worse then being limited physically(although neither is  desirable)because We operate best when were dreaming. I have always been a dreamer and a schemer, which normally gave way to accomplishments in reality. I  had a moment of the “f word,”(fear)when I thought for a moment(i.e a day) that because my circumstances had limited me my thoughts were also becoming limited. I have seen perfectly capable people limit themselves solely in their thought  lives. Our thought life is just as important as our  physical health, because our thoughts  determine our realities. Often my dreams have given way to real life successes. For anyone to mentally limit themselves or not be told  about our limitless possibilities  is a scary thing.  It wasn’t until I spoke to a longtime  friend that my fears were quelled. She pointed out that I haven’t let my circumstances limit me. I felt quite limited and hopeless because of my circumstances at times. However, as time  has passed I’ve  learned how powerful your thoughts are in relation to your reality. If  a nagging little voice tells you that you can’t, it’s best to  reply  “I  CAN.” Because more then  likely that’s the truth. Once I made  it  a conscious  effort to negate these limiting thoughts, a door opened where I once found it to be closed. At that point I  did what I could do,  to accomplish what I wanted. Even if it seemed small or insigificant.  This has resulted in signing up for a 5k(when I can’t totally run) and raising  money online to accomplish a daydream. Neither of these things were presented to me as possible. In fact they were deemed to be impossible. If your not the rebellious type just once do something just because people(and sometimes yourself)  tell you that you can’t. Without throwing all caution  to the wind, once you accomplish said “impossible,” feat you’ll  realize just how fun  it is. If you like having fun(I’m guessing you do) this may send you headlong into doing all sorts of things your not supposed to be doing. In time, after you’ve gone against this little voice and the naysayers   you may just find your life has changed.

Cheers& no fears!

bleu

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F is for Fear

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I  realize I have not been completely honest with you dear reader. In my definition of strength, I thought it meant you had to remain a pillar toughing it out on your own remaining  positive. While I am quite hopeful and idealistic, no man is an island. On the surface   the water is calm. However, drop a  rock of fear in and the ripples of doubt and worry unfurl into a large splash.   If I let one little pebble of fear in they quickly accumulate into a boulder.  Since I began reading this book(look!) my definition of strength is changing. Because, in the act of going it alone and not asking I’ve essentially left people out rather then let them in. The truth is when this tragedy occurred to me I had a lot to lose)and since  I awoke in a Hospital rehab it has been a small step away from spiraling into a black hole. I’ve gotten quite good at shutting my  thoughts off. If one little pebble of fear does eke it’s way in it’s a slippery slope. Therefore,  you have to find things to keep looking forward to. All of a sudden a  mall trip actually becomes a lifesaver(I don’t even like malls) the key is distraction. Besides distraction it becomes imperative to surround yourself with positivity and keep it near. Not only is positivity a must, but so are  good people. One of the strongest forces in this universe is  love and  during difficult times you can’t get enough of it. If you truly love people enough they will give you everything. In other words it’s not about material belongings or gifts but human connection. All of us are asking, “Do  you see me?”   As most of us know already(I hope) material goods are of little use or value if your not happy and healthy. I found myself so detached from consumerism( quite a change for me!) that my Mother had to tell me to quit giving things away. When  the winds of life pushed me  onto a different path I seriously began to question the need for anything but the essentials. When I was in my early twenties, I scrawled this quote in black sharpie(of course) on my wall “ The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away.”-unknown. If I remove a picture on my wall it’s still there and  how funny  it is that this message  from the past to my future self still holds true, take that Back to the Future! If  something I have can bring happiness to someone else, I can’t give it to them fast enough. It has boiled down to, rather then a new sweater I’d rather make someone happy. Life is for sharing not accumulating things. It reminds me of the junk troll in The Labyrinth.db7f7a4a00977dcda52e880fb060daf3

She roamed David Bowie’s  magical kingdom with  a  heavy load on Her back. Rather then  making the  load more weight bearing, I’m attempting to  get rid of mine. I want to breathe lightly and clear. It’s  the air filling our lungs that keeps us alive. More burdens steal your breath. Whether it’s meditation, church, or remaining idealistic and positive that helps you breathe, whatever lightens the load for you  keep playing that hand.

 I leave you with a lovely tune,

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmRDM7GyJXE&w=420&h=315%5D

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