Archive of ‘Life’ category

Dear Hope

Hello,

 You and I have been acquaintences for some time.   In the preceding years after my birth,  I will admit  that at times our relationship has been stronger than others. However, you have never completely waned from my Life. Nor have I ever given up on you completely.  After I nearly died from an unexpected stroke, and once the fog that enveloped my brain had lifted, I needed you more than at any other time. Feeling like a ship adrift  at Sea, I discovered that when I began to look for you as if for Land, you did not leave Me. In fact just as  Earth’s crust has been steady underfoot for eons, you too did not falter.  Rather (to paraphrase Jane Eyre) it was as if during the darkest night of my Life  you had traversed  in my sleep and left each morning  brighter traces of your steps.  The Day any person loses you completely, I’m convinced it will be the death of their Soul. Because, you bring  light that helps piece the shards together of any broken mirror.  You rouse one out of bed when they’d rather not face the Day. You inspire positive thoughts and outlooks  for the future.  Without you, I daresay we’d all be lost. Lost to overcoming. Lost to  the ability of drumming up strength. Lost to   trying  in spite of insurmountable odds. Lost on the idea that a rising tide can lift ALL ships. Hope, I don’t know if YOU realize  how important You are. And my wish is that  Humanity always comes to your doorstep when they find themselves in need. Because, I know that whence they knock the door is surely opened. 

Thank You.

Posted in Life // Comments Off on Dear Hope

Blur

“Whether you think you can or you can’t you are  right.” -Henry Ford.

Perhaps when you wake up from a coma, not only are you seeing the world with new  eyes but the world is seeing you with new eyes as well. After a traumatic brain injury,  once the fog of confusion lifts, you  eventually realize there is no use in looking back only forward. Because, you are no longer who you used to be, so rather than  chase the same dreams ,you invent new ones.  In many ways reality becomes “unreality,” as you keep hoping it’s all just a bad dream that you’ll wake from. The problem arises when it   becomes apparent, that in fact this is your reality. Daydreams, imagination, and fleeting entertainment become your modes of escape. However, when those things end you have to drop back into waking life and  take action. Just make sure you’re moving in the right direction, and not just treading water spinning memories of what you believe your life was supposed to be like at this point in time. Sometimes, in fact, most of the time. Our life story is not linear.  Indeed, after the stroke  occurred mine became somewhat circular. I had to relearn walking, talking, eating, and I’ve fallen short  in my attempts like a toddler often does. But you know what? Now rather then such things  being a setback it’s more of an annoyance! It’s annoying being reminded that there’s still so much work to do. Not only on  myself  but in seemingly every arena outside of  myself  as well. At times it’s like putting back  together a shattered mirror. You just need to get everything to fit correctly, so you can see yourself  again. Until that point there are small pieces of you everywhere that are incomplete. So,  all you can do is carefully collect each piece, inspect it, repair the damage, and then place it back into it’s correct position. In stroke recovery and traumatic brain injury recovery this takes years. However, no day spent on self improvement is wasted. A day becomes wasted if we give up on trying to move  forward. Therefore, never let your spirit become idle my friends.

Stir things up!

Posted in Life // Comments Off on Blur

The Second Life is a Charm.

swing

“First, I have to thank God for giving me the gift that he did as well as a second chance for a better life.” –unknown.

I’m only 33, but I’ve lived two lifetimes. Currently I’m on my second. In the first one I was a fiercely independent twenty something living in New York City, keeping busy, and working in a promising professional career.  It was the beginning of my “adult,” existence. Living in a tiny room  that I rented in a nice apartment in the best city in the world. I had a 401k  under my belt, and nothing but big plans for the future in front of me. But of course, as they say  “ Life happens while your busy making other plans.”   And in my case, that saying proved to be true. Because I unexpectedly had a massive stroke and all those big plans suddenly fell through. In my second life I’m now a fiercely independent thirty something. Living in a pretty house in the woods, trying to figure things out, and life this time around has a lot less noise in it. However, despite my first go around I’m still making plans but they’re in a different vein. Rather then building on top of what I already have, I’m in the process of rebuilding.  I used to despair over the loss of my former plans, but slowly I have begun to realize that in the new plans I can do anything. It’s similar to the joy I felt in moving to a new neighborhood where nobody knew who I was. I could go to the grocery store under dressed and not run into a soul I knew. The freedom of that was rather nice. Except, this time around that new neighborhood is practically the whole world. After the stroke I was thrust into a new plane of existence. I had a past but it did not define me, in fact I could choose to omit the parts of my past I did not favor. After the stroke it was as if most people were meeting me for the first time. There were no expectations or preconceived notions. I could tell them what I wanted and in being able to choose the past I liked, that eventually also meant I could choose whatever future I wanted as well. The massive stroke cleared the game board of my life so I was now free to set it up again how I liked. This by no means has been easy. In fact it’s the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I am just now beginning to see the freedom in what I previously thought was a death sentence. My future is still bright, and this one single event does not  hold true for every area of my life. Because, although life is short there is still plenty you can do with it. Therefore, aim to live yours to the fullest.

Life is a gift, savor the unwrapping of it!
bleu

Off to see the Wizard

51dLTGyKuLL
“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.” -Eckhart Tolle.
 

The last thing I remembered was struggling to get up off a floor that I had just fallen down to. Eventually exhausted, I drifted off into an unconscious state. This is  how I was found,  only later  did I feel very lost. The next instance that I was conscious for, was waking  up in a hospital bed about 650 miles away from the  NewYork hotel bathroom floor I had fallen on. I was in a rehabilitation  center after having had a massive stroke at 28 years old. Suddenly, I was thrust into a deep darkness that I felt there was no escape from. How do I get back to NYC and when!?  This is all I asked my Parents about. Well, I’m still in recovery but my mind and  my outlook of the future are  not so bad anymore. In fact, there has been tremendous recovery because I got my mind and emotions onto a better train track.  So, how do you  divert  your path after near imminent disaster? First of all give it time, nothing worth having(or achieving) happens instantaneously. Secondly, welcome as much positivity into your  life as possible. Once you have taken time, and ingested a heavy dose of positivity you can begin steps to clean up the mess after the storm. Also, be on the lookout for any signs of progress however small. This will fuel you onto your bigger goals. Because, long term goals are made up of many short term goals.  Give yourself grace, not everything will be perfect, moving forward not backwards is key.  Not to mention, don’t bite off more than you can chew. Recovery from any disaster is a process. Finally, work SMART, and ask yourself if your goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time measured. All these things will help you rebuild your life after you’ve suffered a setback, whatever it may be.

bleu

I get By

AskingForHelp

We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” -Orson Welles.

With an over two month inpatient hospital stay and constant therapy or doctor appointments upon discharge, my social life was dead on arrival. Not to mention I was practically on house arrest, not being able to drive anywhere. This just added to the great sadness that plagued me; a culmination of living upside down in a world that was not of my choosing. This “new world,”  lacked the independence I had once known prior to the stroke,  possessed no social life, and  had way too much parental supervision for my liking.  I often found myself alone making up things to keep busy and to keep sane. Luckily,  growing up as an only child provided sufficient training for such circumstances.  Living in  a constantly moving world and being so unusually busy myself, friends were a rare sight. However, despite all of the hurdles there are those wonderful souls who have stepped forward and really offered their time and support. These humans are what I like to call rare birds, that stand out in an overwhelming flock of conformity and status quo. They are colorful when things are dull, different when things are uniform, and most of all  compassionate. I’m happy that  along  life’s rocky road  I picked up these hitchhikers and can call them my friends.

Whats more, these  passengers I have  procured aren’t the type to bail out as soon as the car breaks down. Instead of looking for another ride, they patiently wait and help me while I try to fix  mine. For years now it is on these little pebbles  of good moments that have  added up to create a road  I am able  to move forward on.  It’s not only  good company, but it serves as therapy too!  It has improved my soul, AND aided in the recovery of my brain. Therefore, these rare birds  are certainly more then just flights of fancy. They also serve as part time therapists and free of charge no less! You can’t beat that. It  is often that when life beats you down  that  these birds will rise up to meet and surprise you with their goodness. Because, it is when you find yourself in the dark that you need to be reminded of the light. This was(and is) especially true in my case and perhaps yours too. It seems the things we need most will find us when we least expect it.

cheers!

bleu
 

The pleasure principle.

 

“There are no pleasures in a fight but some of my fights have been a pleasure to win.” -Muhammad Ali.

Sometimes, the greatest pleasure of your day is a cup of coffee in the morning.  In coping with life after a near death I have  in no way minimized my expectations or goals, but I   have simplified   what brings me happiness or fulfillment. When your life gets put on pause(or seemingly rewind) during a recovery from something like a stroke, jumping in the car to go and do what you please becomes impossible or  non optional. Often, I am  stuck at home, in therapy,  on errands, or in a doctors waiting room. When one’s freedom is seriously compromised, you begin to find it in other places. Many of these places were  just passing moments before the stroke, but now they have taken center stage. The little things became my main thoroughfare.  For example, the promise of a good breakfast was all that could rouse me from my bed on many days.  An event  previously so inconsequential, was now a reason to get up. I began to structure my life around the  goal of getting better, rather than work.  My new career was  to be a reconstructive surgeon on the body of  my own life. Suddenly, I  legitimately  yearned to fight the hectic city traffic again!  A two hour commute home after an eight hour day, was a dream compared to what I faced during the early days of recovery. How little we realize what a gift our lives are when everything is going to plan. In order to feel just as productive and accomplished as I was previous to the stroke, I shifted the types of things I wanted to accomplish. Now completing a list of chores became fulfilling. Not to mention it’s  beneficial therapy! Folding hordes of towels with one arm works on a myriad of physical skills. Many that will naturally benefit me, all in the process of doing a mundane chore. Never underestimate the value of  crossing things off a to-do list, no matter how simple it seems. Making up daily work for myself has saved my sanity, contributed to further recovery, and given me a sense of accomplishment. Once I realized that many mundane tasks  propelled progress,  they became par for the course. We don’t always need to do show stopping things in order to feel good or create value.  It is what happens behind the scenes that creates a stellar show. The world normally sees the finished product without witnessing the intense work that it took to get there. It is for this reason  you shouldn’t quit  putting in the work.  Because the work you put in will amount to what kind of life you experience.

Never give up!

bleu

Find your Tribe.

d31d6bd5f1b7ae8c390b1d866f55daa6

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.”

― Chuck Palahniuk.

I have always felt a little out of place or like an observer of this great big fish bowl earth, that’s teeming with life. This was especially true after I was injured and found myself displaced from where I had been thriving in New York City. I woke up at the bottom of a pity pit in a hospital rehabilitation   center in my home state, back where I started before I moved away.  I had hit a snake  in life and slid right back to the beginning of the game. This couldn’t be more true since I had to relearn basic life skills that I had at one time already mastered. You would think a clean slate would be a good thing, but not  so in this case. I had witnessed all the dominos I  painstakingly set up, tumble down at the push of a bad life circumstance.  I would soon be tasked with rebuilding  it and that’s what I am now, a full time construction worker. The sixty four days I spent in the hospital  and even more before that saw me inching towards the starting line.  Although I had a supportive crowd cheering me on, I had lost my “tribe.” A group of fun like minded people that helped motivate  me to be better were missing from the hospital setting.  Therefore, I went to many therapy appointments(after discharge) with a different kind of tribe. They weren’t bad just fellow people that were hurt like me, so   it was dark and depressing in that village. I missed the glittering happy atmosphere that I had been used to, since  it lifted my spirits. Although, I certainly tried to get back there with weekend workshops like Blogcademy.(Glitter!)However, after  two days of sunshine, on a Monday I had to return to that same dark village that was therapy; never was the importance of your atmosphere so obvious to me. Since then I have stumbled unexpectedly into members of my tribe(like this)which always makes me feel much better.  Each day as I run into these like minded individuals and recover more, I  can see the entrance to my village getting closer and closer. Never take for granted or underestimate the importance of being  where you feel  you belong, it will save your life!

Cheers!
bleu
 
 

What do you see?

“The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision.”
― Helen Keller.

When you look at something, what do you see? Do you see what’s on the surface, the physical, the flaws,  the beauty, or the potential?  In my experience, if you can supersede your natural instincts and look past the obvious that’s when forward motion in life occurs. It’s easy to see an obstacle that’s been placed in front of you by life, and perceive it as impossible to surpass. However, there are those that see what is possible instead. Whether it’s  being born with muscular dystrophy, losing an arm, or becoming a full time model(and actress) in New York even though you were born by society’s standards as irredeemably ugly, anything is possible! What these three women embody is the ability to overcome and look past those barriers with true grit and vision. It would’ve been easy to give up  and let the lemons they’d been handed slowly dry out their resolve and souls in the process. Instead, they used those very lemons to quench their thirst. Who says a deficit cannot be turned into a spring board? Also, who concluded that a “big,” problem could not lend you the very strength you need to overcome it? That’s the thing, no one. Which means, with the right  vision you’re free(and able) to overcome those obstacles. For every problem there is a solution, and in some cases multiple solutions. Born ugly? Move to New York and  shake up the conformity in the modeling industry. A shark bit off your arm while surfing!? Well, just learn to balance, continue surfing, and go on to win multiple surfing contests. Were you born with a debilitating disease and wheelchair bound? Well, it doesn’t affect your face so go to an open casting call for Diesel and  become the face of their new campaign. You see?  In each unfortunate circumstance they went against their natural instincts. Their perceived handicaps, were just that perceived, not permanent.  If we had microscopic vision we’d see that all matter  around us is made up of  atoms and molecules that are continually in motion. That means things are constantly moving, and there is no reason a circumstance should put your life(and goals) at a stand still. In fact  things cannot help but move, and that includes moving forward! Therefore, don’t let  a perceived obstacle stop you dead in your tracks. As evidenced by the Ladies above(Jillian Mercado, Bethany Hamilton, and Lillian Gaydos) the only obstacles are in our minds.

Cheers!

bleu

Adversity University.

6361406248244501121798432935_1

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” – Viktor Frankl, holocaust survivor.

The most important choice you make every day is your attitude. Your internal attitudes are more important than your external circumstances. Joy is  mind over matter. How we feel isn’t determined circumstantial. It is perceptual. Our feelings are determined by our subjective focus. How you feel is the result of what you focus on. The same adversity can affect two people very differently. I often wonder how someone else would do in my circumstances, but I have hardly anyone to compare myself to. However, I’ve surmised that what poisons one person to death, sweetens the other person’s spirit. This would explain how  someone could manage to survive an atrocity  like the Holocaust. When I experienced my own holocaust in the form of a massive stroke, I had to choose. Either let it be a catalyst that began my downward spiral or fight. As it turned out, although I felt hopeless the latter was much more appealing than the former. Although I had plenty of very patient therapists and encouragement, ultimately I was the only one that  could do what needed to be done to improve myself.  The same goes for many different things in life, it is you that has the power to choose and get better. Therefore, I would encourage you to do what is needed to move forward, no matter how hard. Because, as I have seen some significant physical improvements, it’s well worth it!

to you and yours,

bleu

20 Days.

images

“It’s so fine and yet so terrible to stand in front of a blank canvas.”- Paul Cezanne.

It only took twenty days to upend twenty eight years of progress, now at the age of an adult I was starting over like a child. After waking from the coma(all twenty days of it) and being cleared for  a med flight to a rehabilitation hospital I had arrived. Not only was I physically back in the same location I had started from before I moved(to New York) but also mentally starting over. With no job, apartment, car, or social life, I was left with only one thing… rehabilitation. I found myself  so far down in the depths of life I had nowhere to go but up!  My view from the bottom was one of complete hopelessness and  loss. However, once I was farther along in my physical recovery(walking, eating, and communication skills) I began to see some light, and the burdens of the hospital were no more. I still had(and have) a mountain to climb but it’s much easier with the right tools and attitude. Once I began to shed the weight of piles of pills, a feeding tube, and the discomfort of a hospital bed I was free to breathe again. I quickly came to the realization that material belongings are meaningless, you  reap what you sow, and that life is but a blur. Once I regained my determination and strength, it was clear what I had to do. It may have taken but a moment to tear down the life I had built, but now I had a chance to repair it and even better this time! One can only be so lucky(or unlucky if you will. Now,  instead of hanging out  in my New York City apartment on a week day night after work, sometimes I hang out with people at a brain injury support group. Is it somewhere I ever expected to be? No, but I can still see the beauty in it. I have enjoyed having conversations with people that are usually invisible in mainstream society and very likely by me too prior to the stroke. Except that I now I see them.  It’s not a place I ever wanted(or expected) to be, but I’m going to make the best of it. Because rather then dwell on the past or get stuck, sometimes we just need to tell ourselves “Let’s just get on with it!”   Do I suppose I am an injured little bird stuck in  my circumstances? No, because in making the decision to get on with it I have found the hope  to fly again.

unclip your wings,

bleu

1 2 3 … 16