Archive of ‘Dreams’ category

Out Pictured

People call it making plans, ambitious people call it making goals, and Mystics call it what you’re conscious of being brought to Life by your subconscious. However, whatever you call it, it is at its most basic level the Life you are currently leading. The problem with making plans is that plans can change, you may fail to reach your goal, and ultimately no one has a handle on it all. Personally speaking I’m a goal setting and  achieving type of person. However, what happens when a near death experience( in my case)  throws those set goals out of whack and lays waste to your carefully set path?  What do you do? How can you cope with the inevitable bad feelings?  Well, save for  inventing a time machine, you’ve got to figure it out. Here’s  something I’ve concluded after  years of therapy, multiple self help books under my belt, and  rebuilding my path. It is not in the quantity of the stuff you have, or the years you’ve got to live. It’s in the QUALITY  of them. I now put real time and effort into everything I do. I’d rather get to know someone deeply than just on a surface level, I consider what the impact is  of everything I eat or purchase on  others, and the Earth. Because it’s not always about you. In fact, most people are pre-occupied with themselves. Funnily enough, the less you think only about yourself and more about others you are the one who will benefit!  Having  faced immense difficulties I don’t  consider  the loss, I focus on the gains. Rather than have perished  from the stroke at 28, I’ve lived another ten years. That’s 3,650 days where I opened my eyes, breathed in, made plans, and felt the warmth of the sun  brush across my skin. At one very scary point in time those days could’ve been considered borrowed. Therefore, it is not lost on me to slow down and really soak in the days I have. Time is our most precious and unrenewable resource, so consider carefully how you spend it. Choose  the things which bring you light rather than darkness, the things that bring others closer rather than push them away, and give, give, give! I promise you  it will always come back to you double. So, don’t fear giving from your heart in order to fill it.

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What Dreams May Come

One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.”  -Tom Wolfe.

Most of the time, we can control  what drops into our subconscious at night, no  more than we can control the weather.  It has become apparent therefore, that my brain still lives in New York City while my body is about a 9 hour and 27 minute drive away. Because, on most nights you can find me and Mr Sandman still haunting the subway. While mentally I’m more than capable of masquerading through Manhattan, physically I have some serious work to do. It’s funny that even after a massive brain attack, such an assault cannot erase things like…. 1 Why you never get on an empty subway car (something awful is likely inside) 2  Navigating the  subway is not that scary( although it’s helpful to know the difference between express and local trains!) 3 It’s likely that locals will never agree on which  Borough is the best. And finally #4.  New York City may very well be the last bastion  for the American Dream. Why?  Quite simply because the other “kids,” I met there were chasing such impossible dreams as  getting my body to  transport itself into the middle of Times Square. However, you know what? They did so without giving one iota of attention, to the naysayers who said their dreams were  impossible. Oddly enough after the stroke happened to me I have more in common with them then I did before!  Even though  prior to the stroke I had been sharing the same physical space,  I wasn’t in the same headspace. According to the dictionary, the definition of headspace is the unfilled space left above the contents in a sealed container. I think it’s rather important to fill that space with things that lift you up rather then bring you down. If living in the city of dreams(and often hard knocks) taught me anything it’s that you are far  more capable then you think! Attitude definitely dictates your altitude. So, don’t let the words  or ill intentions of other people, crash your plane into the ground.   

Shoot for the moon!  

Reference Point.


          “For contrary to legal precedent, women are considered guilty of incompetence until proved otherwise.”  -Amelia Earhart.

For  some time my life has been dictated by the reference point of before the stroke versus after the stroke. The closer I came either physically or mentally to being like myself before the stroke marked improvement and progress. No doubt that is a clear indicator of recovery after such a horrific event. However, what if the stroke wasn’t so much a detriment but something like a  flint against which you  sharpen a rock? I had become that rock. Therefore, rather then pretend that the stroke had destroyed me, why not see that  I was very much still “there?” In personality and physically.  If a city can be rebuilt after undergoing a round of intense bombing, then why couldn’t I?   In this  process it has been imperative to stay positive and be around others who are. Because, sadly as I have experienced first hand, there are more people out there that want to extinguish your light rather then feed the fire.   Personally I am frustrated by the reference point, as I’m sure so are other stroke survivors. To be compared to ones self and trying to outdo it, seems like a cruel sports event. Being stubborn and ambitious, I naturally try to outdo myself(and others) anyway. Not only is that the natural human inclination, but this was something different. I was being measured against myself and  asked to meet the expectations of others. Naturally, this turned into walking a personal war path to prove any naysayers wrong. Maybe you haven’t heard, but anyone who tells you your aspirations are impossible is a liar.  After all, if it can happen to anyone why not you?  Winning the lottery, finding great love, traveling the world, and full recovery after a stroke. I believe all these things are possible to those  that deign to dream them. However, don’t insert a wishbone where a backbone should be. The people that will emerge  after a tragedy and that should be kept in your atmosphere, are the ones that build you up rather then drag you down. When it comes to the naysayers, learn to protect yourself from them and relish the moment you inevitably prove them wrong. Because, if you remain focused on the finish line rather then the hurdles, you will.

Love and light!

The finish line.


  “If you don’t have wings, create them.”

― Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom.

Today, a new  record was quietly accomplished  in a corner of the globe rarely heard of. Three once unrelated strangers gathered in friendship, and one  amazing  personal journey was thrusted ever forward to the “finish line.”   While the rest of the world hummed along minding its own business, I was excitedly(and happily) checking  one more daydream off my to do list.  Just like most personal goals it was of little importance to everyone else, except in this particular case I  was accompanied by others that understood  the importance of such a day. Many of us are skilled at rationalizing our way out of doing something. When in truth, we need to be rationalizing our way into more things! There is no reason you cannot accomplish what you dream of. As they say, where there’s a will there is a way.  By working through seemingly insurmountable circumstances with gritted teeth and a rock solid resolve, I have found that to be absolutely true. You see, what we aren’t told enough growing up is that we can do anything.  Be weary of those who tell you  any different. Ultimately, the people that believe in you as much as you believe in yourself, will walk right alongside you during the race. 

                                                                    above: My  two pillars of  support during the race  Early on(when I was injured) there were questions of my ability to walk well again if at all, and much less  trek a mile! However, with tremendous support and blessings I’ve done just that  twice now. Both times  were events that originally had been dreamed up in my mind.image

         above girl in tutu:Tropicolor, color run. the happiest 5k on the planet!


Even  if I completed each goal slowly, the point was to complete it at all and soak up the fact that dreams do(and can) come true. Especially when you put your best foot forward and your mind to it. Therefore, be careful of what you tell yourself and who you listen to. Because, whatever words are spoken get eaten up by our heart. Certainly, your heart deserves only the best things that life has to offer, so don’t let it consume words that  will harm it!  Find wind  to carry you where there is none, and fly high even when others want you to stay low.



if you're able.


“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

-Dalai Lama.

Do both of your hands function? I have often daydreamed about what I would do if both of mine did, because currently my left hand does not. I think I would take up knitting, complicated needle point, scrub  the entire floor with a tiny toothbrush, and finally  find every excuse to use my hands. When you have  an ability naturally,  it’s taken for granted. If only We all realized how amazing  having them truly is. We would all be  much more grateful, and  eager to use our abilities.  Also, it’s likely that We’d look for opportunities to be able to use them.  Many of these opportunities, would be in helping those that do not have the same abilities.  Being aware of these things now, I know  in  the  past  that I would’ve been much more charitable and helpful towards my fellow man. Just as John Lennon imagined an enlightened World so do I. However, my wish is that everyone would fully realize what a gift they have and share it amongst each other. If that happened, I imagine there would be no need for charity  or as many costly social programs. The level of people helping each other would dramatically  increase. Just imagine if We met each day as zealous as Scrooge  on Christmas morning. What kind of  dreams would be  realized if We were aware of  our innate abilities and gifts?  Even more so  if We  shared them, culminating into a  collective good that We all  benefitted from. There are times each of us  can recall  of not going out of our way to help someone. If We were aware of how incredible our abilities to function normally really are, very few things would be considered as “going out of the way.” Instead  helping others would just be a normal part of life.


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What a World of Whimsy


“The secret of genius is to carry the  spirit of the child into old age,which means never losing your enthusiasm.” -Aldous Huxley.

Those of us who manage to hold onto our childlike wonder, become like a  magnet,and light to others. It is with the simple joys of a child that life becomes and remains magical. Why is it that imagination(or creativity) is so often scolded  rather than fostered?  It seems that the World is uncomfortable with the daydreamers. However, before We are able to do anything we must imagine it first. No great feat(personal or otherwise) has been accomplished by following the rules,playing it safe,or  by thinking within the box. Unfortunately people like to see others fail, rather than flourish. Therefore, they try to negate the  grand ideas of dreamers. Whether it’s by telling you that you cannot accomplish something or children in  school(a rigid place) teasing  the often aloof daydreamer of the group.  The more opposition you’re met with is a clue that  your on the right track. Although, it’s unwise to be bullheaded  and stubborn.  At any rate, just don’t give up on your dreams.  It is known that fear and doubt only serve to derail you,so ignore those  false  directions!  Surround yourself with that which is good, and turn a blind eye to  the doubters.  Life is far too short to waste any time   with  the fears of someone else. Fill  your mind with encouragement and positive thoughts. It helps tremendously to fix your thoughts  on  what is  true,honorable,right,pure,lovely,and admirable(Phil 4:8). Personally I’ve found that  by   just having  lovely thoughts and objects around me, it makes a difference. More recently I acquired an old 1960’s vanity, which I filled with lovely objects that lift my spirit,either  with memories or simply their aesthetic. We(family) refinished it back to it’s original splendor, and then I proceeded to  decorate it with what makes me  feel good(see below). Some people create shrines to a specific God,but I think it also worthy to  create  a  shrine to all that makes you feel good(an idea here)whether, you choose a physical collection of objects, or a vision board you cannot go wrong. Before something can manifest in the physical, it’s imperative we visualize it,and this is why imagination is so vital to the human experience. Dear friends,don’t be swayed by the cares of this world,because if you  let it,it will choke the dreams from behind your eyelids. Therefore, keep your eyes set  on the sky above,and shoot for the moon!  

No doubts,


Here is a peek at my “shrine.” 

imageimage  imageimage



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Unlimited Miracles

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t either way, you are right.” -Henry Ford.

In a world ravaged by the pains  of “reality,” it’s easy to forget that miracles do happen. By all accounts and in reality, I very well should not be here(see here) or  find it difficult to communicate with you. However, I’ve defied the odds because of a miracle. It’s easy  for us to limit ourselves as well as miracles. What many people don’t  acknowledge is  our limitless possibilities as humans, it’s one of the most beautiful things about us. I used to think I had to make things happen, which in many ways I did. When  you take responsibility for your reality,monitor your thoughts,and actively choose to change it,good things manifest in your life. Just because  you cannot see it in the physical sense doesn’t mean it’s not there. Our lives begin in our mind. Therefore, don’t self identify  with your doubts, or put up with negative thoughts, they can be countered and they’re simply not you. It’s difficult at first to counter the  little voices that tell you, you can’t but after  some time it becomes easy(even fun to thwart them!)and with them out of the way it will allow your confidence to blossom. Our thoughts  can produce our reality. To quote the bible “You shall know them by their fruits.” We can be trees that blossom,multiply,and are  fruitful! Much of it begins in our minds. If the circumstances don’t agree with you, strive to actively change them. To  do this you will find yourself having to negate all those sentences that begin with but, I can’t, and don’t. The mind is a battlefield and often you can be your own worst enemy. Rather then comply, fight  the path of least resistance and go against the grain. This can become a chore but when you bear the fruits of  that labor, they will surely be sweet.  Too often We let  ”reality,” limit our miracles.  I’ve had to tell people  to stop being so realistic! The fact is, We create our own glass ceilings. Sometimes it’s us that create the limits or it can be others. One of many solutions would be to  either hangout with like minded people,ignore  the naysayers,or  address it(tactfully).  The best adventure stories are those that overcome the odds and  make their way  through a battle and claim the victory. I don’t believe that anybody held(or wrote?) a story about a heroine that always gave into doubts and fears in high esteem.  During this life write your own  epic adventure and certainly don’t be afraid of the battles.

May you win every war and cheers!


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Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland


“You used to be much more…”muchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

Much like Alice we are all on a journey to find our muchness.

I have found that my own personal journey has very much reflected the story of Alice in Wonderland.

Over the past year and a half I have met character after character.
The jabberwocky for me was the recovery and overcoming of  the massive stroke.
Many times I have been at a crossroads of confusion.
It was as if the Cheshire Cat was pointing me in all sorts of directions.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 8.42.43 PM








However, I couldn’t always listen to him but follow my own feet as best I could.

The evil queen of hearts for me though, resided in a large hospital castle.

She sent her army of doctors after me,while I ran thru a garden maze looking for the exit.

Luckily, I have found the tiny door to a room that leads out though.
When I finally return from the depths of the rabbit hole I have plans.
Like Alice,I too have large dreams and new frontiers to set sail for.
Alice keeps getting questioned who she is in the film repeatedly.
Until, finally the mad hatter recognizes her after she regains her”muchness.
I also was questioned repeatedly on who I was.
In test after test I determined to show therapists “I’m still here,  I’m okay!”
After months of outpatient therapy, I began to feel mad.
However as in the film:
“The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
[Alice checks Hatter’s temperature]
I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.





The Road to Recovery…


On October 12th of 2012 in upstate Newyork  at the age of 28 I had  a massive stroke out of nowhere,but now a little over a year of  recovery time,I am in therapy on a weekly basis,its been a hard road…We put a years worth of miles on our car in half the time…

There are several types of therapies to keep you moving…


  1. Physical Therapy
  2. Occupational Therapy
  3. Massage Therapy(which dealt with getting nerves to wake up again)this was considered to be an alternative therapy
  4. Suit Therapy-which is typically for children with Cerebral Palsy but helps to activate
  5. Speech underused muscles 6. Speech TherapySincemy discharge from Inpatient Rehab(all 64 days of it…) I have been on a weekly schedule of therapy and Doctor visits,which at first were arduous,but now have become routine as I make my way back into some normalcy in what as been a  very irregular and difficult time period in my life thus far,now all I can do is continue to work,persevere,and keep hope.Never has the saying “One day at a time been more relevant,as well as the term ‘Patience of a Saint’  While  recovering and  being less independent I have had to learn how to be patient and wait for nearly everything, which has probably been  one of the larger  changes,coming from being a fiercely independent woman….
  6. Barwis Method is ran by College    Football Strength&Conditioning Coach,legendary Mike Barwis out of Plymouth,Michigan, the training facility consists of an area for weights and modified workout machines(built by personal specifications according to Mike) as well as an indoor field,He physically challenges athletes and laymen alike and of all physical rehab I have done his is my favorite.These days Mike is a hard guy to catch as He builds a new  center and more recently has begun filming on American Muscle,soon to be on  the Discovery Channel.I have been lucky to meet this forward thinking trainer,not to mention a person that like most rather than being self focused chooses to take time to help others.

A poem upon parting……

One ship drives East,
and another drives West,
With the self-same winds that blow;
Tis the set of the sails, and not the gales,
Which tells us the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate,
As we voyage along through life;
Tis the set of the soul that decides its goal,
And not the calm or the strife.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

XO   **BLEU**






Happy Saturday ! I just returned from a nice week of work (believe it!) I got to go to sunny California and catch up on my vitamin D intake.. it was a nice change of scenery, however the flight time I could do without … At any rate I did get some reading done. I wandered and wandered Laguardia Airport and I came across Pattie Smith’s Just Kids …. I never got into her as an artist but I have to say after reading this book I was impressed, it’s a sad and beautiful tale of two people that really loved each other *sigh*

Truth be told I cried at the end on the way back from California…on the plane in total obscurity among a sea of strangers. I can only hope to have such a love story with another human being, I really liked the fact that they fueled each others creativity in the best of times and more importantly worst of times. If you enjoy or adore any of the old NY artists and beat writers you MUST read this.

In other news… While in California I recalled a haunting dream that I haven’t been able to shake. My Mother always half joked that as I got older I would figure out all the things she screwed up.. well not too long ago I had a vivd dream, I was looking/watching myself as a child, perfect and untainted by the world and so full of potential. I got the overwhelming unspoken feeling/sense that this little girl could have anything and everything. I was smiling and laughing next to my Mother who was bent down lower to be near my plane of view. We were exceptionally happy there, next to one another. Then the dream was punctuated by a voice, not in my own voice either. All it communicated was a single sentence “Your Mother made you insecure.”

Since then I have been working out and filling in all the holes of where this has negatively effected me in life and it has pretty much everywhere, from my romantic choices or pursuits throughout the years right down to me wanting to go to Art School. It got me to thinking that I need to correct this, I have gotten better but that dream… Wow. This brings me to my point. There is a beauty company that makes great little products and in nicely designed packaging I discovered years ago, and upon investigating further found they donate proceeds to a local girls group in Colorado that helps girls come into their own at a young age. I never thought I needed that sort of thing but I realize maybe I did !!!

I am running a contest, I would like to hear your personal stories of or about a time of difficulty and how you overcame it. I think this could be of encouragement and help to others that read it. I will pick one story and the “chosen one” (haha) will receive a gift set from Love&Toast. (see below)

Until Next Time my Pretties ! Cheers !

P.s. Here is a lovely tune.


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