Archive of ‘Life’ category

January 10, 2015

Struggle= Strength

“I didn’t know how strong I was until that was the only choice.”

I have always been fiercely independent and prided myself on that.However since having a near death experience I’ve also been severely dependent in some ways.For quite awhile(a year?) I have had someone around to help me even with simple things like getting dressed! I felt as though all my independence had been stolen from me.Seemingly trapped in a body that was not working for me,even the little things like getting dressed suddenly became difficult. It was strange to be asked questions by healthcare workers like “Are you able to feed yourself?” Because, of course that was always a given! My world had been turned upside down and in the prime of my life I found myself in a battle to regain it.Even small steps were big ones to me.All the things I had previously not noticed or taken for granted were in stark contrast to what I was dealing with now.I’m still in the battle but now I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.This morning instead of having an “assistant,” there to help I insteaddfid everything myself, even though at times it was a struggle as I realized I was doing it on my own again I increasingly became excited and proud of myself,not all too dissimilar from a kid finally tying their own shoes.That sense of accomplishment was worth the momentary struggles of getting dressed using one arm,even better I did it in under 20 minutes! The struggles of the past gave way to victory.These things are what make you stronger. Although we see our struggles as a pain in many ways they’re the stepping stones to an eventual (and equally glorious) victory.Through such a small feat to others I found(if only a sneak peek) some of my confidence and determination.As I wheeled(wheelchair) out of the room I looked at this picture(below) and said “See you tomorrow.”

May you too be bold and find your strength,

December 28, 2014

Behind the scenes

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”- Wizard of Oz.
I finally decided to come out(not the closet)after talking to my Mum I decided I needed to have more transparency in my writing.
The truth as We all know it is that life is not a happy Facebook status.Just like a Broadway show a lot goes on behind the curtain, and it’s not always pretty. In the very early stages of my recovery I was deeply depressed and of the belief I had lost everything in the prime of my life.I can recall a Nurse from the Hospital mentioning how I used to(in, inpatient rehab) randomly yell out of nowhere.I know why I was doing this, it was because I absolutely thought I had lost everything so it would build up into random screams and even late night full on crying panic attacks.The unfortunate truth is that depression is a part of many of our lives.When I found myself at the end of my rope, hope in a future and recovering is what saved me.I know there are loads of medications to help you deal when things get jagged.However, in not wanting to subsist on a high dose of synthetic drugs,I decided to turn inward rather then outside of myself.What I discovered was that I am far stronger and more resilient then I had ever known and I also became more spiritual.Because in a time of desperation I needed more than positive thinking,I needed a miracle.In a search for my own remedies to maintain my sanity I came across ways to help other people.If nothing else this tragic event has produced things in me that has seemingly created a wiser “old soul,” so my friend here is a list of things to help you if you find yourself depressed.
Consume more omega 3 fatty acids.
Engaged activity.
Physical activity.
Sunlight exposure.
Social support.
Sleep.

For a more comprehensive detailed list hop over here.
In this ever winding journey may you always find the light and beauty.

December 23, 2014

Invisible Children

Invisible children grow up to be invisible adults.
During the recovery process for my injury(i.e. killer massive stroke) I found myself labeled under the handicapped category.
While I don’t consider myself handicapped,I often glared at the parking tag hanging in my parents car window with hate.
Sure it gave us a pass to front row parking(often taken by the elderly or people not needing it!) and I got to cut lines, which would be great if I lived in an amusement park. However, while being part of the group under this label I learned a thing or two. It not only was cumbersome to get around that way(in a wheelchair),but also I began to feel inherently aware that people were either somewhat oblivious to me or stared.I began to feel like a beautiful Princess that was unrecognizable as a homeless mess that people just walked by while I sat on the sidewalk.I wanted the world to know who I really was.What I did find was a common thread between the people that still could recognize a Princess in the mess that I was currently in.They were usually kind,helpful,and sweet.I began calling these strangers that went out of their way to help me, door angels(for opening the door). I found myself having to dig deep to hold on to who I was despite the circumstances.If I was not so talented at daydreaming and the uncanny ability to ignore the obvious I don’t think I would have survived the very early days of my recovery.I imagined how other people must have felt in my similar situation.Those confined to a wheelchair or even worse paraplegic or quadriplegic.It would be easy to feel like a second class citizen,especially being a woman.In a society focused on sex appeal,you are certainly not seen as sexy in a wheelchair.This unfortunately began to effect how I felt about myself, so I could only imagine how others felt!
I thought back on the times I probably ignored someone who was either handicapped or elderly and it made me feel awful.Because unbeknownst to most people these individuals are very brave.It takes bravery to go outside when you clearly don’t fit in at all.It takes bravery to try things that you aren’t that physically good at,no matter how you look to other people.We all realize(I hope)how judgmental and focused on outward appearances our society is.Having said that I quickly found that going out in public in a wheelchair or wearing any adaptive equipment turned you into somewhat of a spectacle.I had to ignore or push through any feelings of alienation I had.The world was clearly built for people with no physical issues.On television I became acutely aware of the enormous lack of people with disabilities.I had just went from a majority to a minority and let me tell you,for lack of better words “It really sucks.” Now all I want to do is go back and out of my way to help people.Regardless of any social implications, this has made me recognize my own strength and brought more confidence to the surface.I’m still not sure if this has been a blessing in disguise or not.Between recently turning the big3-0 and this I feel stronger and more like myself then I ever have.One thing I have been pleasantly surprised by are the “door angels,” and the general acceptance or respect for those that do have issues in our society.In nearly losing who I was,I found out who I am and I learned to truly love the girl in the mirror.My hopes for you are that you too will find that kind of love for yourself without any near death experiences,but instead recognize the wonderful life that you have right now and don’t waste it!

Be thankful& walk in love,

December 14, 2014

Suggestions? Comments? Concerns?

“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”-Albert Camus.

I’ve had this blog for two years now and what started out as a blog about my life in New York City has turned into a story about beating the odds.However, one thing is missing and that’s YOU! Dear readers since my blog is becoming more popular(or so I’d like to think) one thing I want to know is what you would like to see more of less of etcetera,and your feedback too of course! This will never be a closed comments blog.Honestly I have been in my fair share of constructive criticism sessions in my art classes,I can take it(ha-ha)people!

Therefore don’t be shy take advantage of the anonymity of the world wide web and let it fly(just be constructive.)

Gizmo!

**Cheers and mogwai ears**

bleu

P.S this is a Mogwai aka Gizmo————->

December 10, 2014

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
I think you should know I don’t believe in you,but I do know a lot more about you then you think and I have a bone to pick!
I know that you ran off with Misses Claus soon after you were both married at the ripe age of 18 and joined the Navy.While you were enlisted you were also gone for a year when I was a baby.Misses Claus told me since I didn’t remember who you were at first when you came home, I would only communicate with you when you used your hand to talk to me like a naked sock puppet.Unfortunately the elves were not very savvy in building iphones and the like so you had to resort to cameras that recorded with 8mm film.When I see the pictures you did get,the North Pole looks a lot warmer then how it’s depicted in holiday folklore.Almost like Virginia Beach actually.While I could gripe about the many missed presents,I won’t because I got other things I asked for and some I didn’t!Luckily the elves are proficient at electronics these days,so watching home films on the wall is a thing of the past.However, why didn’t you hire that elf Steve Jobs sooner!? Because you didn’t, instead the Claus family had to use giant cameras and inconvenient memory storage methods.Even though you two dropped the ball on that one I forgive you,hindsight is 20/20.

Furthermore, you did catch the ball when it came to sending me to a good school,providing a roof over my head,not letting me eat too many cookies,(although you did yourself sometimes!)and fixing up numerous reindeer that I could fly around on as soon as it was legal.I must say for as busy as you were visiting all the houses in the world in 24 hours you always had time for Mrs Claus and I.When I eventually grew up and walked thru the Lincoln Tunnel to move to New York City, Mrs Claus and you even skipped out on the North Pole when I got hurt.Those songs are right, you DO know everything! It was worse then living with a psychologist or a psychic,if you believe in that sort of thing.Although you crazy kids moved away to the North Pole at a young age,it’s a lovely thing that you two discovered magic when you got there.That magic is still alive today every time my needs are met,I get driven to a place I want to go,have emotional support,the piles of paperwork that get done for me,and all the special requests met too.Since I have grown up with Christmas I know it means more then just presents,flying reindeer,and mass consumerism.Since I almost wasn’t around for anymore Christmas’s I think you and Mrs Claus know the magic that has worked and in many ways saved me, is love.Too many people forget that and instead focus on what the elves churn out.Speaking of mass consumerism,in the mall the other day,I heard the song ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus’ that kid was majorly confused! I slightly felt bad for him because I knew who my “Mommy was kissing,” and it was my Dad.So,thanks Mr and Mrs Claus for doing a pretty good job.

December 9, 2014

Top Ten -er- 21

Since the New Year is nearly upon us, rather then write a reflective piece on the time that has passed and future things to look forward to,I decided to list some of the more fun or “crazy,” things I have done.Because naturally that’s more interesting and funny.Without further ado and in no particular oder Here it is:
1) Made a snow angel on the subway platform at 3 a.m. before the train arrived and after a snowstorm,I then headed to my midnight shift.

2)Igot my motorcycle license to ride my Vespa around New York City,one of the smallest and only girls in a drivers ed class and among a sea of burly men(My Vespa w/saddlebags below)

3)Spent an afternoon on a rooftop in a trapeze class,with the final trick flipping into the hands of the person across from you…
4)went bungee jumping,while my Mother unknowingly lounged on the beach and showed Her the video when I returned.
5)shot fireworks off the roof of my apartment,figuring if police were called I would spot them first(nah-nah-nah-nah-naah)
6)drove to Montauk with friends around 3 a.m. to sit on a cliff of boulders,drink cheap champagne and watch the sunrise over the Ocean…

6)Often applied and went to job interviews I may have not been qualified for,but won them over somehow with my knack to succeed.
7) Climbed very steep and narrow stairs for a rooftop view in Italy.
8)Took a 4 hour safety class to go scuba diving in Turks and Caicos that afternoon!
9)Sang songs to a cozy group of lovely people at an open mic night in Queens NewYork several times(R.I.P Cafe Marlene)at a quaint and cozy French Cafe in Sunnyside Queens.

10) Bought ice cream to share with a young girl asking for money on the street.
1)Submitted my artwork to be hung and shown at a gallery in Detroit,Michigan.
12)Purchased a party bus or what turned out to be a full blown tour bus to celebrate my 21st birthday on,well into the morning.Best money I ever spent! 🙂
13)Was chosen by a successful designer at an Oscar Party to win best dressed.
14)Worked in Manhattan in the wee hours,thus I have many funny subway stories.Speaking of,witnessed a car full of Drag Queens playing tag in the middle of the night see also- glitter confetti

EVERYWHERE(picture below)

15)As a joke tried to breakdance for quarters on the street in Ann Arbor,Michigan see also -I am too white.
16)Accidently sent some frat guys to a gay bar on a Friday night when they were looking for chicks, see also – awesomely hilarious!
17)Pulled a complete stranger onto a stage to dance,and afterwards He told me “Your body is poetry.” It’s a good thing I didn’t give him my phone number!
18)Moved to NYC on my own with no job and landed a prestigious job pretty quickly see also -Blood,Sweat,and Tears….
19)Boycotted Starbucks in favor of independent,local coffee shops see also- I’m a “hipster.”
20)Had my wish that was written on a piece of confetti dropped in Times Square on New Years.

Inconclusion,life is short and a New Year brings more possibilities,and moments to remember as well as moments to seize.

I have had a brush with the end of my life,it came unexpectedly and without warning.I look back and revel in all the great moments and accomplishments with a smile.I hope you will/do as well.A New Year brings more possibilities,and moments to remember as well as moments to seize.

Therefore live it to the fullest while you can!

November 21, 2014

Truth or Dare

“Those who help you up when your down also know what it’s like to be down.” -unknown.
Dear reader,I have a secret to tell you.While I have found writing to be cathartic and sharing my story to be important I feel I haven’t been completely honest.While I have mainly conveyed a hopeful positive person, that has not always been the case.As seen with social media sometimes we share only the best moments in life.Truthfully,life is messy! While indeed I am hopeful and positive about my life, on the other hand there are darker tales untold.I think sharing struggles is just as important as sharing the pretty things in our lives.Even more can be gleaned from the not so perfect.Because flaws are relatable,(were only human)after all “perfect people,”tend to incite feelings of jealousy or envy in others.I think by being honest it brings about closer relations and genuine meaning.To make a long story short through the trials and tribulations of recovery from a near death experience it has been a giant roller coaster.I have experienced highs and lows among the twists,turns,and bumps.Sometimes being flipped completely upside down. Among the highs were triumphs such as successful surgeries,happy moments and significant physical gains.However among the lows were such things as suicidal threats and in particular one near check into a mental health facility(not so fun)so obviously things have been far from perfect to say the least! Oddly enough I eventually found a way to come from those dark corners into a brighter place. I actually lamented that at least being “committed,”would have garnered some good albeit funny stories for later on in life.However, my parents did not find it as comical… Honestly what has gotten me through has been the belief in a God that loves me and wants me well just as much as I want to be well.That and my logical thought of, if I can survive what most surely would not anything is possible.Where it has been ugly and terrible I have also seen the beautiful and wonderful.

November 19, 2014

It’s All About Me

Do people really pay attention?

I used to think that sometimes I was better than other people because of my accomplishments.
The truth is that I’m not and that no one really even knows or cares about your accomplishments.
Most people are self focused, and odds are they aren’t talking about you either.

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” -Oscar Wilde.
Unfortunately most people’s accomplishments aren’t generally acknowledged.
What I have found is that it doesn’t matter if people recognize it or not as long as your proud of it and don’t become too prideful(snob alert!)this lead me to think of those that are elderly or forgotten.There are people just walking around that have done immensely interesting things!
Because I have experienced this myself I for one try not to judge anyone too harshly.
At the end of the day, whether people see my inner being or not it doesn’t matter.Because I know myself and I’m very proud of it.This translates into confidence and happiness. However, being proud of yourself walks the fine line between proud and pride.If you too live on this Earth,chances are you too are an overcomer.everyone has had to overcome something.Some are more difficult than others but nonetheless we all struggle in some way.Regardless of the circumstance we all have deep down that fighting,suprise even yourself spirit.This is why at the end of the day no one should dislike looking in the mirror.Because if we truly saw ouselves we’d see something beautiful.What made me come to reflect deeper internally was the event that stripped me externally of anything seemingly impressive.Right now I don’t have a nice car or a lot of money,I don’t even have my prized amazing shoes! Currently I’m stuck in ugly velcro shoes,with a cane,and my left arm just hanging at my side ending in a hand whose fingers will not move for me. To the outside observer I appear to just be handicapped.Little do they know I’m not(to me at least!)nor do they know of my vast accomplishments.Furthermore I hardly appear impressive(ha-ha)but that doesn’t matter because I know.The wondering stares and lack of knowing about the real me no longer bothers me as it once did.Do you know how I accomplished this? Well, I looked at myself but really looked at myself.It doesn’t hurt that I have an incredible support system either.The poem And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou says it best:
You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? ‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you? Don’t you take it awful hard ‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines Diggin’ in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I’ve got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame I rise Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise.
Dear friends and readers my hope for you is to feel this way too in the battle you are fighting.When you look in the mirror don’t only consider your exterior.
Like a pheonix may you too rise from the ashes!

November 15, 2014

The best article Cosmo ever conjured

Usually Cosmo maga 53c323e56950a_-_cos-01-coma-de zine is really good at informing it’s female masses about sex and how to please their male counterparts.However, with this more recent article (read here) I was pleasantly surprised as I sat in a salon with my head covered in tin foil.I was looking for some reading material to pass the time while I waited for my hair to become a member of

the copper family,this is where I met Penny Fisher.

The reason this article was significant to me is because I could relate.

Penny has a rather remarkable story as well.Additionally what’s more remarkable is Her attitude.

I quickly perused the pages of Cosmo expecting the same old vapid content,that is until I crossed paths with Penny.

This woman had to forego multiple amputations,when some of us complain about our hair!

Needless to say perspective is everything.I found this particular article to be uplifting rather than another “puff piece.”

People need to see more articles like the story of Penny Fisher. Everyday the world at large concerns itself with things that are shallow.In reality as people were not all that superficial.However, mass media would lead one to believe otherwise.The truth is that after such a life altering event occurs it’s difficult to relate to “normal,” worries when they truly are quite petty in the bigger picture.Sometimes, I feel like a being sent back in time to deliver an important message.Except instead of a time machine I came back from the brink of death to yell “Appreciate your life,” using media as a bullhorn.It’s not that either of us(Penny or I ) lost a great life,but rather now we have a chance to make an even better one.While I have endured much suffering,out of the pain a baby has been birthed.This child I hope will grow up wise and knowledgable.When the dust clears on the playing field I’m trying my best to continue standing there having endured a storm.I’m looking forward to taking a nice big gulp of life sustaining oxygen again soon.Finally,besides the air clearing up it’s also clear that it’s important to have a clear mind and value the correct things in life.Had I known what I know now,rather than gripe over minimal worries I would have skipped down the street handing out all my money to the homeless in NYC.If your main concern is the subject of physical looks or money,or even your significant other your doing fantastic.Life is too short to live it in the constraints of the “worlds,”or other people’s expectations. Follow your heart but just don’t forget your head

November 8, 2014

Hoo are you?

“Are you your looks,accomplishments,things you own,or things you have done?”

I used to attribute my value to things outside of myself.

When I told others about where I was from or lived I was often times met with reactions of being impressed.

This told me that others also identified value with things outside of themselves.

Your not your house,your car,or even your job.

However, you happen to be your children,your significant other,and your friends(guilty by association!) all these people are reflections of you and also express a portion of your soul(mind+emotions+thoughts) were more than just a physical body(despite science class explanations…) but we also have a spirit.I realized one day that each of my friends served a valuable purpose in my life and reflected part of my personality as well.I’m not just where I live or what I do.I am at the very core a spirit and so are you.We each posses a spirit that drives us in the direction of its characteristics.

What I have found is that indomitable human spirit that continues moving forward despite circumstances.

Contrary to anything physical that other people can see,we have an entire world happening internally.

It’s in this world where our thoughts,ideas,and emotions originate.

Things flow from the internal to the external and not the other way around.

Therefore nothing outside of yourself can define you.

You set your own limits as well as how far you will go.

We can all go as far as we want to!

I find that idea fun& exciting.There is no reason to give yourself a glass ceiling.

Moreover where your motivation originates can also dictate the outcome.

If the motivation is material odds are you won’t go terribly far. On the contrary if your motivation is of the immaterial chances are those ceilings won’t exist for you.

The greatest actions I have seen usually come from a place of love.

When you have only yourself to gain and nothing to lose.There is no telling where you can go.Finally try to forget the pre-conceived notions of what makes us successful and valuable and instead recognize accomplishments and your spirit world. Inanimate objects will always be there, the world is full of unnecessary material items that don’t really matter.While material posessions abound, there is only one you.

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