All or Nothing

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“I refuse to let others walk thru my mind with their dirty feet.”

-Gandhi.

I’m a walking contradiction, a conundrum even to myself. For I have everything and nothing at the same time. At the onset of my  ordeal(the stroke) I  missed out on a few social engagements, a tropical vacation, a raise, my apartment in Astoria Queens was no longer, and  I lost the job I had been working when the stroke occurred.  Oh, and I woke up back where I started before I moved to New York  City and physically worse for wear. To add insult to injury my boyfriend also broke up with me. This all accumulated into a waking nightmare. As if life isn’t hard enough, my blood and brain had conspired against me. I rarely(if ever) have written about how I felt after waking up in the hospital in my home state; but its safe to say complete and utter loss while in a black abyss. I  can recall  myself loudly and randomly letting out screams of emotional pain in the rehabilitation department. However, there’s a catch because, better a delay  than a disaster. Also, it didn’t hurt that I  am surrounded by an incredible group of family and friends; who helped me through my pain, and very often their own. At this point and especially in the hospital, most would concur  that I had lost it all and nothing remains. Even as I am writing this with one hand because my left arm is currently paralyzed, I know I haven’t lost it all. In fact just as the night is darkest before the dawn in nature, so is life sometimes. Indeed the days are getting lighter as time passes. How could they not!?  You see I have everything because, I’ve  been instilled with an indomitable spirit, the determination and perseverance to succeed, and  the wisdom to recognize tiny daily miracles. This all adds up to my main goal, numero uno… which is to get back on the tracks my train was derailed from.  Each one of us encounter disasters in life, but with the right  glasses on we can still see the light in the darkness. There is never complete darkness in nature or in our lives. Even when we imagine  it to be so, the reality is that it is not. I can honestly  tell you that it does get better. Except, there is one thing…. No matter  the mountain, you must never give up!

may God be with you!

bleu

The Wall

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“Having hit a wall, the next logical step is not to bang our heads against it.”- Stephen Harper.

Whether the wall is a physical one(visible) or an emotional one(invisible) we all are facing a wall of some kind. These walls separate us from our goals, desires, forward movement, and even other people. It is interesting to note that the  non-physical can literally stop us in our tracks. Among the lies we tell ourselves  are fear and worry. These two things have an especially good knack for stopping us from what we really want. Because of these negative emotions and their mind games we  tend to lose the ability to move in  a forward direction. Beyond  this wall is a more positive self image that will spurn us upward and onward! To change  the circumstance, we need to change our self image. The  trifecta of anger, complaints, and ungratefulness is a sure road to failure. It is  with a positive self image and thankfulness that we’ll find the keys to success. However, this is more then just positive thinking, we literally must change our self image in order to succeed. This is not an easy feat, especially when you’re caught in the midst of circumstances you hate. The trick is, by finding things you are grateful for in  the middle of  life’s storms, they will hold less power over you and  their effects won’t be so devastating. This in turn will open up an in road beyond the wall that you face.  By recognizing your strength rather then weakness, the good over the bad, and taking a reflective moment each day to see these things, you’ll be well on your way beyond the wall that is stopping you. Be the victor rather then  the victim, and the healed rather then the sick!

see your way through it!

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struggle

 

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“Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.”- Abraham Lincoln.

In the ever present stay calm and carry on posters they forget two words, and on. Therefore, they should read  Stay calm and carry on and on and on! Why? Because we are  creatures of great resolve when we’re pressed against the grind stone. Everyone struggles at some point, and no matter what it it is every struggle feels  daunting and like it is specifically yours. However, there are many people struggling with the same thing, it is your reaction to that struggle that makes it individual. Not to mention, our struggles have a funny way of making us strong where we once were weak. At times when your looking for answers in the midst of trouble you are met with silence. Yet we mustn’t forget that when you’re  going through something difficult, the teacher is quiet during the test. Even amidst the silence you  are not alone. It is within these hardships that our determination and perseverance really shine. I have been asked how I am able to continue and remain so optimistic in a situation many would find bleak. The fact is, I remain optimistic because I  believe there is more to this world then only what I can see. There is no solid explanation for  our existence, just as there is no solid explanation as to how I survived death.  One can only assume that there must be a teacher out there helping me(and you) along the way. It is because of this  we keep on going and do not faint or crumble at the first signs of trouble. Rather, we buckle down to withstand the storm and reach our goals that lie just on the other side of them.

reach for the other side,

bleu

Love is a Shore Thing

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“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” -Louisa May Alcott.

The Jersey Shore is a testament to resilience, community, and triumph. It is a place that was nearly destroyed and its residents run off after Hurricane Sandy in 2012. Yet  today it  still  stands  strong and as beautiful as ever. Just as the ocean waves rushed in causing destruction, the residents have returned  and rebuilt.  Within the borders of the beach you’ll find a   community of close knit families, tourists, and friends. Just as the towns along the shore  have survived and are thriving, so are these relationships. In  fact I enjoyed a week in Lavallette New Jersey at the shore because of one of these relationships. It is one that like the shore itself, has withstood  the tests of time and  the battering ram of a  horrific hurricane. In this case  it was with long time and much loved friends that have been with me since before  the massive stroke. Anything that can  withstand such an event deserves recognition. Because,  stories of victory are few and far between outside of superhero movies.However, there are plenty of real life superhero stories.  They  give us hope, they give us strength, and  remind us  of why we keep on going. Therefore,  we need to hear even more  stories like these. Surrounded by the newly rebuilt homes and beautiful beach front, I observed a community that rallied together and rose up under the  East Coast sun. There was life, laughter, and plenty of love coursing through the streets  that were once threatened with total destruction. It  reminded me that even though life may  put us through  unsuspected and  seemingly insurmountable circumstances, we can still emerge on the other side of them just as strong. Indeed we can emerge even stronger than before! They refine us like the ocean waves smooth out rough rocks and bits of glass. The relationships that  survive the storms with us are like little protective cacoons of love. Just as we become stronger because of the storm, so do they. While  it’s difficult  to find any thankfulness for these  life storms, I am thankful for the aftermath. These  storms leave survivors stronger, with wisdom, and highlighting the love we sometimes forget  exists.

Lavallette strong!

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Life Boat

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“Who are we but the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, and believe?”

― Scott Turow, Ordinary Heroes.

Stories of triumph, stories of success, and stories of dreams coming true. These are the kinds of tales that keep us alive and keep us going. For me, these stories were a life boat in the middle of a dark and stormy ocean. The stories you and I tell ourselves make a tremendous impact on how we feel and in which direction we go. The difference between a good story and a bad one can  put into motion either success or failure When every avenue seemed bleak, I could always pull  positive stories from my memory library to serve as an escape. My current life circumstances(post stroke) were a sinking ship of titanic proportions. However, reaching back into my memory banks, I could pull a story from a happier time. Without these invisible books I was headed for the bottom gasping for air, another casualty of life’s  bad circumstances.  While these books seem imaginary, the life lines they offer are very real. These stories told me I could accomplish my dreams as I had before, that the impossible was possible(as possible is part of the word itself) and gave me a reason to get up in the morning rather then languish in bed. A good story will motivate you and give you confidence, while a bad one will take away all of your hope. Do you suppose that the  legends of our time told themselves stories of failure?  I’m certain it was just the opposite! I posit they reassured themselves that their mountains could be conquered. In this way we need to do the same thing. Whatever your goal, tell yourself that you can and then  pull examples of all your past successes. The longer you ruminate on past or current(perceived or real) failures, the longer you’ll remain in unwanted circumstances. By dwelling you effectively anchor yourself in shallow waters. Therefore, use positive stories to  put  the wind  in your sails and venture to deeper waters. It is there you’ll find more to explore and myriad possibilities. Furthermore, surround yourself with people that add to the positive stories rather than help anchor you in shallow waters.

row, row, row your boat,

bleu

Pieces of me.

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“You must give everything to make your life as beautiful as the dreams that dance in your imagination.”

― Roman Payne.

I am not the sole creator or proprietor of my own life. For example, my Mother  gave me a creative  nature, my Father a strong work ethic, friends helped me learn some life lessons along the way, and my intelligence was(is) God given. Therefore, I am not merely one thing, but many pieces that create a whole. However, I am certainly responsible for which direction I head in, but I cannot take all the credit. It’s actually difficult to pick one singular direction because life offers so many. It’s as if we’re perpetually at a  five way street crossing, or fork in the road. This is compounded by the fact that we have so many different parts to us. This is what happens when you exist in a world  that contains many different outside influences. It is neither small nor  closed off, but in fact it is endless! Since we are made up of so many aspects, why then,  do we only live for ourselves?  To be selfless over selfish is more rewarding and beneficial. It has even been shown in nature, that the most selfish creatures are less likely to survive. Apparently this didn’t cross over too much into human existence, or so it seems. However, if you  pay attention it absolutely did! People and societies that exhibit high levels of selfishness, often don’t do as well, and are least liked. On a  large scale  it would make sense if the world were more  giving(and forgiving) but even more so on a personal level we need to be more giving(and forgiving) to one another. After all, it has to start somewhere. Not to mention, each large and obvious movement(be it physical or societal) begins as a small quiet seemingly invisible  action. A sweep of your arm is first triggered by tiny signals  in the neurons of your brain. What you eventually see and feel  physically, starts out somewhere unseen. The same  applies to social movements, dreams, and hopes that you have for the future.Therefore, go forward with confidence and be the change that you want to see in the world and in your own life.

cheers!

bleu

Amnesia.

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The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”- Marcel Proust.

Memories can be a blessing  or a curse to us, or sometimes  even a torment.We all have memories of better times in the  past than our current  circumstances, that  can serve as cruel reminders. However, what if we had no recollection of our past at all, but only awareness of the present?  This would allow us to remove the usual blinders we have on and see our lives from a new perspective. Not only this, but we would experience  a new(even heightened) level of gratitude for what we do have, rather than always compare things to what we had before. Not to mention, the problem many have of constant comparison to others.This doesn’t mean we should forget our past,  because we can learn so much from it and use  it as a guide.For a good number of months my memories of life before the stroke would torment me.  I dared not linger in bed too long and let the negative thoughts traverse my mind. Because, I could remember what it was like not to have so many doctor appointments,be free of braces,run, walk normally, drive a car,live independently, and not have any type of rehabilitation. I surmised that those who had never experienced a “normal,” life  had it better because they had nothing in which to compare  their current circumstances to. Therefore, they were likely experiencing more gratitude and happiness  than I was. However, as life often does, perhaps this was my lesson to learn. Regardless of my circumstance I had to learn to look for the roses among the thorns. Each negative thought needed to be taken into captivity, inspected for helpfulness, and thrown out. Because, if a thought that floats into your head isn’t helpful,  it doesn’t deserve to be there. I cannot afford to entertain  or accumulate these negative thoughts, and neither can you. They only serve to create sprawling toxic black trees in our brains, rather than healthy green ones. This certainly does not bring us life but only death. We need to practice mindfulness, so don’t hesitate to police your thoughts! Very often what we’re thinking will determine what we’re experiencing.

be mindful!

bleu

 

Stop watch.

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“My favorite things in life don’t cost any money. It’s really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time.” -Steve Jobs

For most of us the  moments in our lives blur together like water color and form one large painting. It’s easy to forget that a lifetime is made up of a series of separate moments. It’s  within these moments that what makes life worth living can be found. It is also within  these moments that we can forget where we are. Not recognizing this, we take a lot  for granted. One of my bigger  frustrations was the realization that like many of you, I missed my moment. Before my life was inexplicably changed  I was letting everything blur together. If I had but for a moment stopped to consider my circumstances I would’ve been filled with enormous gratitude. Not unlike Scrooge on Christmas morning when He realizes He is alive and the value of that life. It’s a wonder that more of us aren’t skipping down the street showering gifts upon everyone we come across. Because, quite simply had I realized the magnitude of blessings that I was living in, I never  could justify being sad(or selfish)about anything. In fact quite the opposite, I’d be that annoying overly  giving and happy person all the time! How little do we know what a gift our lives are. Even now, though my circumstances are less  than desirable I am still blessed. When in times of self pity, I often consider those less fortunate than myself. While I was in my little corner of the world being angry my left arm was paralyzed, there was a young man(I met him) wishing He had an arm to feed himself with. Because by a freak accident He had  become quadriplegic.  Many years ago I scribbled the quote “The best thing to do with the best things in life, is to give them away,” on my bedroom wall. At the time I didn’t  know how true this was. Had I known how truly fortunate I was before the accident, I think I would’ve very well done this!  After all, you can’t take all those prized possessions with you. You can always make  more money but you can’t aways  make more time. Therefore, use your time well, and value experiences over material possessions. While I was bed ridden and trapped in a  hospital, my previous life circumstances seemed like a dream. In many ways they still do. Little did I know at the time, that I  was  living a dream!  And somewhere in the world, your life is like a dream to someone else too. Maybe at one point like me(but hopefully not) it will  seem like a dream even to you. All I wanted in the hospital was for my life to be the way it was. To  think  that I ever spent even a day of it depressed  or sad was a travesty. Because, in comparison to my current position  the girl I had been had everything and then some. She was physically able to do everything, had an incredible job, lived in an amazing place, and most importantly was independent. From where I was standing,or rather, laying She was all I wanted to be. I used to gripe about the traffic, now simply driving at all would be a huge  joy. I lived for the weekends when I was  off  from work, now I’d happily put in extra hours. Sometimes I wished I was somewhere  else, but now I’d do nothing but take in my present surroundings. The point is, I had it all and didn’t realize it. Even now, you have it all too, even though you may not  think so. I promise you do.

stop to consider!

bleu

 

The finish line.

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  “If you don’t have wings, create them.”

― Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom.

Today, a new  record was quietly accomplished  in a corner of the globe rarely heard of. Three once unrelated strangers gathered in friendship, and one  amazing  personal journey was thrusted ever forward to the “finish line.”   While the rest of the world hummed along minding its own business, I was excitedly(and happily) checking  one more daydream off my to do list.  Just like most personal goals it was of little importance to everyone else, except in this particular case I  was accompanied by others that understood  the importance of such a day. Many of us are skilled at rationalizing our way out of doing something. When in truth, we need to be rationalizing our way into more things! There is no reason you cannot accomplish what you dream of. As they say, where there’s a will there is a way.  By working through seemingly insurmountable circumstances with gritted teeth and a rock solid resolve, I have found that to be absolutely true. You see, what we aren’t told enough growing up is that we can do anything.  Be weary of those who tell you  any different. Ultimately, the people that believe in you as much as you believe in yourself, will walk right alongside you during the race. 

                                                                    above: My  two pillars of  support during the race  Early on(when I was injured) there were questions of my ability to walk well again if at all, and much less  trek a mile! However, with tremendous support and blessings I’ve done just that  twice now. Both times  were events that originally had been dreamed up in my mind.image

         above girl in tutu:Tropicolor, color run. the happiest 5k on the planet!

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Even  if I completed each goal slowly, the point was to complete it at all and soak up the fact that dreams do(and can) come true. Especially when you put your best foot forward and your mind to it. Therefore, be careful of what you tell yourself and who you listen to. Because, whatever words are spoken get eaten up by our heart. Certainly, your heart deserves only the best things that life has to offer, so don’t let it consume words that  will harm it!  Find wind  to carry you where there is none, and fly high even when others want you to stay low.

soar!

bleu

They tell me I'm pretty.

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“Everything has  its  beauty, but not everyone sees it.” -Confucius.

What value does being pretty really have? Is it financially gainful?  In some  cases, yes. Is it morally upright?  Does it validate your existence?  It would appear that in many societies it does. Especially if you’re of the female persuasion. There was a time, when I felt validated only by my pretty face. Coming to the conclusion that if nothing else, at least I was pretty. However, I’d much rather have a functioning left arm than  big pretty eyes! Another important question, “What really matters?” I found myself resigned to a  wheelchair, a cane,bulky(heavy)braces, and at one point the ugliest shoes I have ever seen in my life. Where there was once  freedom of movement, cute little  shoes, and fashionable clothes I found myself stuck with the opposite at the time.  Being in these unwanted and unfavorable circumstances made me question my self worth and even  sexuality as a  Woman. I  no longer felt attractive. In turn this effected how I felt and perceived the world around me. It brought with it the question  of, for many other Women who are(or have become) disabled, how do they feel? Because, until certain aspects of your “normal,”  life experience  change, there are so many nuances you don’t realize or perceive.   Sure, it’s quite nice to be told how pretty you are. But really, in the big scheme of things, what does it matter? I remember one comment I received  in particular(though funny at the time) was quite telling of our  general attitude towards physical appearance. “Well, at least it didn’t mess up your face!” In regards to the stroke, although I’ll readily admit I’m thankful it didn’t. However, what if it did!?  Would I find myself relegated to the forgotten  in  the  world’s population?  What a sad  truth this is for our  society. We place value  on things where there isn’t a whole lot and no value on things where there is much. In fact for some time I had to be stopped from giving away all my  belongings, because after what I went through, the value  of them dropped!  At one point in time where I would spend  frivilously, I now carefully(and delibrately) saved. We all know beauty is only skin deep, but how often do we act on that truth? If we actually did, the cosmetics industry would plummet, bank account  balances would rise, and eating disorders would be arcane. Therefore, take care of your physical  health and appreciate the body you have. Especially since it’s on loan and you can’t take it with you!

respect yourself,

bleu

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