January 17, 2022

The perception of loss

**“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”**
**– Winston Churchill.**

Some events in our lives are so vile, we can only truly reflect on them(or share them) many years later. So, what happened on October 12th of 2012? Well, I lost everything. For me, those many years later happen to be a decade. I suppose I can thank cognitive dissonance for helping me to navigate through the impossible. No matter how many times a well meaning therapist or loved one attempted to label me disabled, waxed poetic about a “new normal,” or looked at me with complete disbelief when I declared my goals, none of it mentally deterred me. Because, deep down I know I have lost nothing, only gained. I can clearly recall bellowing out in emotional pain from the deepest darkest place of my soul, whilst laying on a therapy mat in a hospital rehabilitation gym among other broken people, who were crawling around like worms unable to walk/sit up, or rolling around on their backs like flipped over turtles. I didn’t want to be among these people, and I certainly did not want to BE one of these people! However, nonetheless I was. There was no denying the medical records, or the gravity of my unexpected circumstances. Not grasping that my brain wasn’t cooperating I would punch my paralyzed left arm with anger and hate. The reality is that for all the time I felt I’d lost, I actually *gained* time. In fact, since that vile day in October, rather then it resulting in my death, my Life was spared. Per my calculation, since then I’ve navigated through 86,400 hours that I almost never had. I almost never saw my surprise Breakfast at Tiffany’s themed 30th birthday. I almost never met Lucy aka Goose the dog love of my Life. I almost never felt the Summer sun gently warming my skin, or felt the beautiful Fall breeze brush across my face. Instead, I now drive by the funeral home where my wake would’ve been held and see other people’s names on the sign. Loss is only perceived, and in the face of any “loss,” you can choose to push through to gain. Therefore, do not weep over a failure only see it as an opportunity for growth. Because, as long as you are living there is a purpose and a hope.

October 19, 2021

Wherever you go, there you are

What defines you? The answer to that question will vary for almost everyone. However, most of those answers will probably be incorrect. Is it your personality? Your worldly possessions? Or perhaps your zip code? The question of what makes us human has been debated for eons, and more interestingly this question could be answered by a neuroscientist. In other words, perhaps it is the contents of our brains that make us who we are. I contend that it is the strength of your character, the contents of your heart, and the fruits of your Life. Sometime ago I would’ve answered it’s your personality that makes you who you are. Except, personalities can change. They only appear to remain constant as long as a person’s Life circumstances remain fairly stable. Throw a massive stroke in(like I had) or other variation of a brain injury and what happens after that, will certainly challenge who you are. Amid the many words heard from medical professionals were “personality change,” “ Won’t recognize loved ones anymore,” and “ We just don’t know how She will turn out.” I’ll be the first to admit that my behavior at times was outlandish, my social filter was severely compromised, and everything was up in the air. But- as time goes on( and my social filter has improved) it has become increasingly clear, that I am and have always been me. My interests haven’t particularly changed much, my sense of humor, my likes and dislikes, and so on. What’s stunning about this from a personal and even medical perspective is that, a major trauma or even physical changes have not deviated me away from who I am at the very core of my being. It doesn’t seem to matter where you put me, I find a way to thrive just as a flower that grows through concrete. Ultimately I’ve learned, what matters most is what you give to others rather than take. And I’ll tell you a secret. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO YOU!

July 20, 2021

Collide.

This is a tale of four people(although imagined) with four separate lives that somehow streamed into one river, before branching off into different directions. It’s funny how a complete stranger wrote a show that so often mirrors the spirit (and content) of my Life in New York City as a 20’s something Girl. Discovering not only what the five Boroughs of New York could offer me during my burgeoning Adulthood, but navigating the sometimes complicated relationships too! Just as a comet speeds through space colliding with other objects and leaving pieces of itself behind, so do we as people. Each relationship, meaningful interaction, successes, and failures have either built me up or broke me down. However, unlike Hannah Horvath, I never got to have a “goodbye tour,” of my Life and neighborhood in New York. Rather I fast forwarded through what I expected to be my fourth year in the city; instead waking up in a rehab hospital in Michigan. Which, needless to say was a shock to my system. Not fully grasping what had happened to me( I was unconscious for most of it after all) I just wanted to be back in New York. A place where completing even the most mundane or trivial of tasks, makes you feel like a champion. A place that is as difficult to succeed in, as the concrete is hard. I chose to live there, for it’s electric energy, for the massive amounts of opportunities, and to fulfill my teenage dream. As a fresh out of college 25 year old graduate it was the perfect place for me. Why? Because as I navigate stroke recovery and Life after a near Death experience, New York gave me guts. Not the kind you see in a horror movie, but real guts. The kind that helps you to fake it til’ you make it and go after what you want with no apologies. Do you find that behavior rude? Ladder climbing? Well, that’s just Life in the city babe. Where I once cursed the contrast of the Michigan trees to skyscrapers, the suburban sprawl to city streets, and the slow pace to the city’s efficiency; now I am thankful for it. Just as I found myself in NY at the right time and place, my recovery is happening at the right time and in the right place as well. I have run long and hard, but now it’s time to learn how to walk again.

^{-XO BLEU}

June 8, 2021

Little Drops of Water

“Life is not important, except in the impact it has on other lives,”

-Jackie Robinson.

Just as a minuscule drop of water falling into a pond creates a ripple that expands out until we can no longer see it; so do our lives in the oceanic universe. You may not be able to see how far reaching your actions are, but for every action there is a reaction. That being said, if your action is one of kindness, then the reaction you receive will be equally kind! It also serves to note, that people remember acts of grandeur no matter how small. One such act was made by a dog named Hachiko in the 1930s for His owner Hidesaburo Ueno. This tiny soul waited for nine years(that’s 3,285 days of His life) for His owner to return home from work. Today, a small bronze statue stands in remembrance of this story outside of the busy train station where this dog left so much of His love behind. How many people per day scurry past this unassuming statue without ever knowing the enormity of the story behind it? How many people or places have you scurried by without ever knowing their significance? Furthermore, how many people have not acknowledged your significance? Do you reckon, that if we could all slow down enough to actually see these things, Life would become more meaningful? Or perhaps, recognizing these things to be true, we’d discover increased value for and endeavor to create a better Life? One, that does not revolve on what we can get, but rather give. No matter how much I have supposedly given away, it has come back to me ten fold! A little known universal secret is that nothing you give away is ever truly lost. In fact, if you give with a heart of joy and gratitude you’re more likely to get it back and then some. Our society is entirely too focused on what we can get, or we get to keep. However, I have personally observed and experienced the opposite to be true. I have no qualms about “giving away,” money I don’t have, or extra time to volunteer; because it always comes back to me. If you don’t know already my Life itself was given back to me, and in many ways I’m living a second life! Rather than dying from a massive stroke in 2012 at the age of 28, I survived to continue on. Therefore, I’ve already been given more time, more money, and abundance. And I challenge you to share some of your abundance. Because, I promise if you slow down enough to look for it in your Life you will find it.

March 2, 2021

Dear future Suitor,

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

—Lao Tzu.

While at one time I only needed you to be cute, have a reasonable amount of knowledge about punk music, know how to skateboard, and have cool hair…… As Bob Dylan sings(not punk) “The times they are -a- changin.” These days I actually care about things like integrity, employment, your moral compass, and our shared future prospects. If you don’t know already(or yet) I had a stroke, and besides time changing things, so does almost dying. I’ve always put in a vast amount of effort to reach my goals and stroke recovery has been no different. Except(I lied) one thing has. Besides undergoing an arduous amounts of therapy, I’ve mirrored my physical development with meaningful growth of my soul. Neither has been easily achieved. Therefore, I’m not willing to put the priceless fruits of my labor(or my heart) into just anyones hands. So, I need you to step up. Reject me if you will over the effects the stroke has had on my life(this has already happened) but you’d be making an egregious mistake. This is in no way because I think I’m better than other people. It’s because I know my value. Although, much of it was robbed from me upon waking up in a hospital, the years have added it back and then some. Perhaps it’s age, time, or snobbery, I know it is wisdom! Far too many people(me too) undervalue themselves. We look into the mirror of society, and a distorted image stares back at us. The truth is, we are powerful, beautiful, and strong beings capable of ever expanding knowledge. Nothing is fixed, something I once wished wasn’t true, but am now grateful for it. Change means we can grow, progress can be made, and it makes Life precious. Mine, yours, everyones. The bottom line is, if you can be half as wonderful as my beloved dog Goose, I think we’ll be fine.

October 1, 2020

H.E double hockey sticks.

“My favorite driver is always either the bad guy or the underdog.” -Bo Jackson.

John Colone has always been in on the joke. In fact, most likely He orchestrated it. Hell, Michigan has not only been the catalyst for many events, and caused some local controversies, but it’s also a place that champions the underdog. Wayward travelers, misfits, survivors, and tourists from all over the world visit this tiny town. There is not only an atmosphere of mischief, but of acceptance. Have crazy colored hair? Welcome. Physically disabled? Welcome. A massive stroke survivor? Welcome. All are welcome, and if you are a misfit of society, all the better. This is because, not only is there no discrimination in the town of Hell, they understand survivors. The struggle is real, and many who populate this place, from tourists to “Hellbillies.” get it. The attitude is refreshing and not often found outside of the borders of Hell. Imagine a place where you are given a chance to do something different, to be who you are, and to succeed. Well, then maybe you should get a job in town, I just did! Yup. After spending countless hours putting my efforts into finding employment the traditional way, at the usual places….. All I had to do was go down the street! Because right around the corner from me, is Hell. Michigan. I considered secretary positions, jobs related to my field of expertise(medical) and technological jobs. However, I ultimately landed in the place I need to be at this time. You know the saying “If you build it they will come?” Well, John built a town based on a punchline and over the years Good Morning America has passed through, Netflix, The Travel Channel, and even Sundance. I suspect all the attention is the result of more than a funny name. Because, just like the charm of a stranger or honey to a bee, Hell has a natural magnetism. An energy that can be better understood if you spend any length of time here. Even more so if you meet the man behind the curtain. If you’d like to check it out more visit http://www.gotohellmi.com or drop by in person and say Hello. Perhaps, I’ll see you there!

September 22, 2020

Dear Kelsey

“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” -Mother Teresa.

There is a secret to my success besides persistence, perseverance, and an excellent support system. Although those are certainly the main ingredients, there’s a secret one. And here it is. You need to learn how to rebuke! According to its definition, rebuke means; To express sharp disapproval or criticism of(someone) because of their behavior or actions. Who should you rebuke? Well, everyone, or anyone that sets themselves against your forward movement in life. The biggest offenders are….*drumroll please* doctors. I don’t condone avoiding them, but I do condone not letting them have the final word. When you receive a bad report, it is not the final report. Don’t you dare let fear creep in and limit your life according to what they say. If I or my family put an ounce of belief into the doctor’s report, I’d be a total vegetable being pushed around in a chair, suffer from severe fatigue, not recall my Parents faces, and so on. These are just a few of the things that were “supposed,” to happen according to the doctor’s report. Guess what? NONE of them did! Don’t just sit back and roll with a negative diagnosis. That storyline doesn’t have to be part of your book. We all have choices. Therefore, choose to be happy over sad, peace over drama and gossip, calm over frantic, and finally choose life over a report of death. It is death to accept a negative report as fact. While it’s true the sky is blue, it’s actually sunlight being filtered through millions of water droplets that are hanging in the air. You too can be a filter through which only love, health, and happiness come out on the other side. You just have to catch all that junk that tries to settle within you and bring you down. Cheers to no fear!

August 5, 2020

The Plight of Angels

**“All God’s angels come to us disguised.” – James Russell Lowell**

Love may not be tangible, but the objects that result from it are. I can look around me and see gifts from each person that loves me. They adorn my walls, my desk space, and take up residence in my record cabinet! Each object is a token of love from an irreplaceable human. However, not all of these seemingly ordinary people are human, some of them are angels. Indeed one of these creatures was actually my nurse while I was sedated in the ICU. She prayed over me, sang the same songs, and today we share the same understanding. Much like a palindrome, where there are words hidden within, and it’s understood in both directions, an invisible river of a s shared experience runs between us that ties us together. We knew nothing of each other before She walked into my room, but that didn’t matter to Her, nonetheless She was going to put 200% of Herself into caring for me. Even now, I don’t believe I fully grasp the gravity of my situation in 2012. I have since learned that I was discovered on the floor gasping for breath in agony(a sign of a brain in the process of dying) and needed to be resuscitated. This was the state from which a team of humans(and many angels) were tasked with bringing me back from. I was on the brink of death, and they weren’t going to let me completely fall! During the time that I spent in a coma, I wish I could recall something, *anything.* However, that time instead is one big blank in the continuum of my timeline. While I lay unaware of my surroundings, the people that were there to observe felt the pain for me. Therefore, they experienced it just as much(if not more) then I did! Because of this lapse in consciousness, I’m discovering my own story as if it is happening for the first time. It’s a rather weird thing to have had such an earth shattering experience, but not to recall it. As many of the details that I’ve missed, I certainly have not failed to recognize the key players in my tale. Although, my story nearly ended in total tragedy, now that I’m awake(and alive) to take over the narrative you can bet I’ll have a happy ending. Life is what you make of it!

-XOXO BLEU

April 4, 2020

Faith louder than Fear

“**We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”- Plato.**

In these uncertain times it’s easy to fall prey to fear and worry. In fact during any uncertain time in our lives, it’s easy to fall into the worry trap. However, as with everything we have a choice. It is a choice between avenues of thought. Do we focus on fear or walk in faith? Do we choose to believe that the present moment informs us of what our future will be? Indeed, in trying times the best advice my family(and I indirectly) ever received came from a strong woman who ran a house that sheltered those in need during a storm.(The Danielle House). It was simply… “ Look no further than the tip of your nose.” Because after all looking too far ahead into the future can be perilous. As most know, nothing lasts forever. That includes the bad times as well as the good. Which is why we should try to savor the good times and not dwell in the bad. I’m often met with wonder from others as to how I remain strong. The answer to that is, that I make a choice daily to walk in faith and not dwell in the negatives. Not only is Life a gift, but my life has been double gifted! Therefore, I choose to use my time wisely and encourage others. For a time, I was able to survive each day by mentally holding back the walls that threatened to cave in on me. I did this by ignoring my present reality(a paralyzed left side, living in a different state, and having lost nearly everything) and choosing to look at a brighter future. Instead of a deadened left side, I saw a body that was on the mend. Instead of looking at an empty bank account, I chose to focus on saving my money. Instead of being upset over the losses I tried to see the gains in them. To be honest, this took many years, lots of self improvement books, and finding the right support. I have not only been blessed with a second chance at life, but also the “loss,” of things led to large swathes of time that I could now fill nurturing my well being. Where once I worked sixty hour weeks in a bustling city, I now had stretches of empty time in a quiet little town to fill with reading self improvement books. Or exercising, or volunteering, or simply enjoying a lazy afternoon on a deck swing. Rather then fill my days with seemingly mundane tasks in exchange for sums of money, I was investing in myself and filling up on the things that would last a life time. With each finished book, added dollar to my account, debt paid off, and strength from physical exercise I was elated. I had discovered something profound AND helpful! Even when we are faced with daunting adversity we can prevail.

December 29, 2019