coma | Bleu Is Electric

“It’s so fine and yet so terrible to stand in front of a blank canvas.”- Paul Cezanne.

It only took twenty days to upend twenty eight years of progress, now at the age of an adult I was starting over like a child. After waking from the coma(all twenty days of it) and being cleared for a med flight to a rehabilitation hospital I had arrived. Not only was I physically back in the same location I had started from before I moved(to New York) but also mentally starting over. With no job, apartment, car, or social life, I was left with only one thing… rehabilitation. I found myself so far down in the depths of life I had nowhere to go but up! My view from the bottom was one of complete hopelessness and loss. However, once I was farther along in my physical recovery(walking, eating, and communication skills) I began to see some light, and the burdens of the hospital were no more. I still had(and have) a mountain to climb but it’s much easier with the right tools and attitude. Once I began to shed the weight of piles of pills, a feeding tube, and the discomfort of a hospital bed I was free to breathe again. I quickly came to the realization that material belongings are meaningless, you reap what you sow, and that life is but a blur. Once I regained my determination and strength, it was clear what I had to do. It may have taken but a moment to tear down the life I had built, but now I had a chance to repair it and even better this time! One can only be so lucky(or unlucky if you will. Now, instead of hanging out in my New York City apartment on a week day night after work, sometimes I hang out with people at a brain injury support group. Is it somewhere I ever expected to be? No, but I can still see the beauty in it. I have enjoyed having conversations with people that are usually invisible in mainstream society and very likely by me too prior to the stroke. Except that I now I see them. It’s not a place I ever wanted(or expected) to be, but I’m going to make the best of it. Because rather then dwell on the past or get stuck, sometimes we just need to tell ourselves “Let’s just get on with it!” Do I suppose I am an injured little bird stuck in my circumstances? No, because in making the decision to get on with it I have found the hope to fly again.

unclip your wings,

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.” -Garrison Keillor.

I’ll admit, I’ve gotten teary eyed at the thought of my own death and imagining my funeral. However, I didn’t consider how the other people would feel at my funeral. Perhaps this was a sign of my selfishness. As people We all fall prey to this selfish thinking. That is one of the biggest reasons why I don’t bother caring what other people think about me. Because frankly, no one is likely thinking that much about you except yourself! In opening up to other people more I’m more likely to feel emotion for them,which naturally leads to a deeper connection. After being seriously hospitalized I no longer had to imagine my funeral, because I narrowly missed it in reality. This time around in thinking about it I became teary eyed for other people. This is because not too long ago my Father gave me a mental picture of a moment in time that I was not present for. At the time I was in a coma which effectively blanked out a large portion of(20 days)consciousness. In sharing a personal memory He gave me an inroad to his reality during that time. While I was in a coma, He played thumb war with my limp right hand. This is significant because as a child We often played this silly game. All I could think of is how alone in a Hospital room He took my lifeless hand aside and tried to bring some life back into that same small hand, just as it was when I was completely okay. This brought into reality someone else at my funeral. The thought of another person’s heartbreak, brought tears to my eyes and not just for myself. It pained me to think of my sweet Father watching his only child dying,and so badly wanting that little girl of thumb war days back. Imagine if We were all as receptive to each others feelings? How then,would the world change? I wouldn’t doubt that such a thing would make World peace and the need for charities disappear. I have also found that the happier I am in myself and excited about life, I naturally begin to connect with my fellow human beings(or want to for that matter). This is because it has a way of expanding your heart’s boundaries.

Cross your borders!

Posts Tagged ‘coma’

20 Days.

At your funeral