Posts Tagged ‘stroke’

This is not the new me

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Usually a makeover is for the better,however  sometimes people get “make unders.”    I received  what I’d call  a make under, that came in the form of a  massive stroke. In this version rather then  getting something  better, I  have  received something   terrible(i.e paralysis  and a loss of independence). Many people like therapists and doctors, like to allude to this kind of makeover  as being  my new form. However, just because  this is how it is right now, doesn’t mean  I  have to accept it. To accept bad circumstances, would be  a  form of  settling. In  India’s fight against the British Empire, Gandhi declared “They may have my dead body, but they will not have my obedience.” In the same way, the stroke may have nearly ruined my life, but it will not defeat my spirit  or  break my will. We  possess the capacity to evolve and improve, We are never truly stuck. You don’t have to   self identify with  the lesser. Just as an act of love can create a domino effect  for positive change,an act of self defeat can spiral into accepting less then We  can achieve. This isn’t to suggest that We should opt to be self serving and greedy(as many already are)but  instead to not settle for less then We are capable of.

I certainly  don’t declare  myself a cripple or identify as being disabled. Instead, I refute  these notions and labels, because you will receive what your expecting. Therefore, you should expect more for yourself in life. Many times We create our own limits. Your capable of so much more then your led to believe. Once you start paying attention to your self defeating thoughts or people’s statements, it’s important to negate them either  verbally or mentally if you have to. Instead of accepting the statement “You won’t or can’t. change that to “I will or I  can.” When you start paying attention to these things, you’ll find that people say(yourself included)these self defeating statements at an alarming rate. Little do  people realize that words have power. They have the ability to tear down or build up.  As well as the ability to bring into life a new creation. Be careful of the words that leave your mouth and enter your mind. “For out of the heart the mouth speaks.” What’s in your heart will manifest itself into reality. Since this is the case be sure to guard your heart!

Love with no limits,

bleu

Ordinary Objects

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“To the world you may just be someone, but to someone you may be the whole world.”

It’s strange and  sometimes emotional when I unexpectedly(or expectantly)stumble across  objects from my life in New York City. Essentially, while I was in a coma(not knowing if I would live)friends and  family  packed up my belongings and my apartment. So there I was out of commission and my life(hanging in the balance)packed away into numerous boxes. They made the trek from New York, to New Jersey,and then Michigan. While I  eventually   followed them. From time to time, I will be doing something and randomly see or find something that  used to live in my New York apartment. With each object I find,it opens  up the  flood gate of memories. I can remember when I bought it,where it was from,what I did that day,and see it in it’s  place in my apartment. Every  object holds a story. Since my life has taken a radical turn, these objects afford me the feelings that I imagine a true explorer gets.  When my eyes and fingers touch upon an object from my life before the  massive stroke, I feel like an Alien discovering something from a past civilization,of a time gone by. This is because  the situation I’m in now seems so unreal. Although the objects are not foreign to me,in some way they are. Why? Because  before I was completely unaware of the reality that I’m enduring now. This has  given me the point of view of an outsider. When I’m holding  something in my hand(or gaze) I can actually take it in as if it weren’t mine. Leaving me to see it in a   new way.  In  the  way that an explorer might see something and wonder what kind of life it once had. Although I know the life of my own belongings, I miss the girl that bought them. I’ve been in what seems like  an alternate  universe for the past two years. I’ve been working on bringing that girl back from the other universe. I remember everything,but even so I worry I’ll forget. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be able to walk freely,tie a shoe,run,jump,and generally be able to control  my body. Those objects remind me of the girl I used to be(physically)and I want Her back. I even think back to how oblivious I was to the struggles I now face(and have) wishing I  could somehow eke out some of  those feelings back into the present. How  fortunate I  was to be  unaware of the things I know now! Those objects hold this other  universe within them. I wonder what  I  would do if I had known then, what I know now. Ah,yes it’s the  age old question,and the answer is  everything. We take  so much for granted, that it’s so important to live and enjoy life as much as you can.

Cheers!

bleu

Cacoon

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“Sometimes when you go through a  dark period, you come out on the other side even more beautiful.”-unknown.

Everyone has gone through a dark time, in the beginning it’s always  difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel(or if there is any at all). After being discharged from the Hospital, and being able to  take into account the gravity of my situation, I saw nothing but  a  gaping  black hole,and at  times I still feel that way.  However, with a very large dose of some real hope(God and physical progress) I was finally able to start seeing if only but a glimmer, the light reflecting off of something  that I couldn’t entirely comprehend. Any  notions of a linear life timeline that I had  previously thought of was now effectively bent into all different directions. I had set myself afoot on a pathway that checked off most of the(in my mind)practical boxes. A  great secure job,a nice place to live, a savings,and a  closet full of clean( if fashionable)clothes.However, on this  new winding path, I had a problem, because my  previous path had disappeared on me! Now I was left blindly  searching to get back on   my path once again. It was as if I were  Alice in Wonderland  asking the Cheshire cat for directions and  I was beginning to realize  that  rather then follow a  path, I’d  likely have to make my own. Each of us is making a path,but sometimes you get stuck in a  particularly hard patch that’s rough to cut through. You can  consume all the self help books you want,but nothing quite teaches or shapes  you like experience. Besides cliche’ one liners can only comfort you so much, before you decide to throw the book out and write your own. The thing is, quite a few of those one liners are actually  correct. Particularly the ones on hardship,storms,and transformation(as the quote above). Unfortunately though, some transformations  can be painful. Just as a blacksmith beats iron into  shape, sometimes were beat into shape as well. The good news is, that We usually come out on the other side better. Even though I cannot see it now, my better sense  tells me that there is a dawn and it’s coming will  bring with it the  songs of the morning birds and my ransom from a dark cage. The question is, now that the path is gone,where will the new one  I forge lead?  Now his is the fun part(and terrifying)because you’ll find the answer is a  resounding, “anywhere!” It’s okay to fall off the path once in awhile, so long as you don’t stray too far and just know that you  possess the power to create a new one.

Fly high butterflyblue-morpho!

bleu

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Color Me Happy

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                                                         “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”-Walt Disney.

My parents were warned I may not live,and I was in a coma. However, I did live and eventually woke up. Now what do I want to do? Well, Ladies and Gentleman a 5K(3.106 miles) because  it was believed  that I may  never be able to do such a thing. Even before I had the massive stroke I had wanted to do a color run. It  is a for profit organized run  inspired by the Indian festival of Holi(see here)iPerhaps I’m a sucker for gimmicks, but it looks fun and benefits charity From my point of view, Upon finding one near me I signed up and registered, and even  getting  my Dad  to sign up! That  is  a shining example of the kind of  strong support I have. Because my Dad is willing to get covered in colors and even glitter.!  I  almost didn’t live,had to learn how to walk again,and faced many naysayers. After hearing  Doctors  and sometimes even  therapists tell me what I could and couldn’t do it would have been easy to lose hope or believe them. Except  luckily it began to have the opposite  affect on me. I  was becoming quite the rebellious child. When you so often hear  what you can’t do,either  a resilience builds up in your soul or a fierce determination makes itself known. While I have always been rather determined, I  didn’t know exactly how strong I was until that was the only choice. These days that determination is ever stronger and  with a solid streak of rebellion. Because when I’m told I can’t do something, naturally I want to do it. By doing this run(or walk) I wanted to push through the “impossible.” All too often we are told what we can’t do, but what about what we can? I’ve been blessed  that for every naysayer I’ve had a friend or loved one that told me the opposite. With love  anything is possible.  We just don’t hear that enough. So what do you do when people  think you can’t walk?   The answer is to run a 5K!

Pssst enjoy this  glam video advertising this years Color Run too!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzFU-Nt1_po&w=560&h=315%5D

Shine on,

bleu

Behind the scenes

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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”- Wizard of Oz.
I finally decided to come out(not the closet)after talking to my Mum I decided I needed to have more transparency in my writing.
The truth as We all know it  is that life is not a happy Facebook status.Just like a Broadway show a lot goes on behind the curtain, and it’s not always pretty. In the very early stages of my recovery I was deeply depressed and of the belief I had lost everything in the prime of my life.I can recall a Nurse from the Hospital mentioning how I used to(in, inpatient rehab) randomly yell out of nowhere.I know why I was doing this, it was because I absolutely thought I had lost everything so it would build up into random screams and even late night full on crying panic attacks.The unfortunate truth is that depression is a part of many of our lives.When I found myself at the end of my rope, hope in a future and recovering is what saved me.I know there are loads of medications to help you deal when things get jagged.However, in not wanting to subsist on a high dose of synthetic drugs,I decided to turn inward rather then outside of myself.What I discovered was that I am far stronger and more resilient then I had ever known and I also became more spiritual.Because in a time of desperation I needed more than positive thinking,I needed a miracle.In a search for my own remedies to maintain my sanity I came across ways to help other people.If nothing else this tragic event has produced things in me that has seemingly created a wiser “old soul,” so my friend here is a list of things to help you if you find yourself depressed.
Consume more omega 3 fatty acids.
Engaged activity.
Physical activity.
Sunlight exposure.
Social support.
Sleep.

For a more comprehensive detailed list hop over here.
In this ever winding journey may you always find the light and beauty.

bleu

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Invisible Children

invisible-manInvisible children grow up to be invisible adults.
During the recovery process for my injury(i.e. killer massive stroke) I found myself labeled under the handicapped category.
While I don’t consider myself handicapped,I often glared at the parking tag hanging in my parents car window with hate.
Sure it gave us a pass to front row parking(often taken by the elderly or people not needing it!) and I got to cut lines, which would be great if I lived in an amusement park. However, while being part of the group under this label I learned a thing or two. It not only was cumbersome to get around that way(in a wheelchair),but also I began to feel inherently aware that people were either somewhat oblivious to me or stared.I began to feel like a beautiful Princess that was unrecognizable as a homeless mess that people just walked by while I sat on the sidewalk.I wanted the world to know who I really was.What I did find was a common thread between the people that still could recognize a Princess in the mess that I was currently in.They were usually kind,helpful,and sweet.I began calling these strangers that went out of their way to help me, door angels(for opening the door). I found myself having to dig deep to hold on to who I was despite the circumstances.If I was not so talented at daydreaming and the uncanny ability to ignore the obvious I don’t think I would have survived the very early days of my recovery.I imagined how other people must have felt in my similar situation.Those confined to a wheelchair or even worse paraplegic or quadriplegic.It would be easy to feel like a second class citizen,especially being a woman.In a society focused on sex appeal,you are certainly not seen as sexy in a wheelchair.This unfortunately began to effect how I felt about myself, so I could only imagine how others felt!
I thought back on the times I probably ignored someone who was either handicapped or elderly and it made me feel awful.Because unbeknownst to most people these individuals are very brave.It takes bravery to go outside when you clearly don’t fit in at all.It takes bravery to try things that you aren’t that physically good at,no matter how you look to other people.We all realize(I hope)how judgmental and focused on outward appearances our society is.Having said that I quickly found that going out in public in a wheelchair or wearing any adaptive equipment turned you into somewhat of a spectacle.I had to ignore or push through any feelings of alienation I had.The world was clearly built for people with no physical issues.On television I became acutely aware of the enormous lack of people with disabilities.I had just went from a majority to a minority and let me tell you,for lack of better words “It really sucks.” Now all I want to do is go back and out of my way to help people.Regardless of any social implications, this has made me recognize my own strength and brought more confidence to the surface.I’m still not sure if this has been a blessing in disguise or not.Between recently turning the big3-0 and this I feel stronger and more like myself then I ever have.One thing I have been pleasantly surprised by are the “door angels,” and the general acceptance or respect for those that do have issues in our society.In nearly losing who I was,I found out who I am and I learned to truly love the girl in the mirror.My hopes for you are that you too will find that kind of love for yourself without any near death experiences,but instead recognize the wonderful life that you have right now and don’t waste it!

Be thankful& walk in love,

bleu

Dear Santa

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Dear Santa,
I think you should know I don’t believe in you,but I do know a lot more about you then you think and I have a bone to pick!
I know that you ran off with Misses Claus soon after you were both married at the ripe age of 18 and joined the Navy.While you were enlisted you were also gone for a year when I was a baby.Misses Claus told me since I didn’t remember who you were at first when you came home, I would only communicate with you when you used your hand to talk to me like a naked sock puppet.Unfortunately the elves were not very savvy in building iphones and the like so you had to resort to cameras that recorded with 8mm film.When I see the pictures you did get,the North Pole looks a lot warmer then how it’s depicted in holiday folklore.Almost like Virginia Beach actually.While I could gripe about the many missed presents,I won’t because I got other things I asked for and some I didn’t!Luckily the elves are proficient at electronics these days,so watching home films on the wall is a thing of the past.However, why didn’t you hire that elf Steve Jobs sooner!? Because you didn’t, instead the Claus family had to use giant cameras and inconvenient memory storage methods.Even though you two dropped the ball on that one I forgive you,hindsight is 20/20.

Furthermore, you did catch the ball when it came to sending me to a good school,providing a roof over my head,not letting me eat too many cookies,(although you did yourself sometimes!)and fixing up numerous reindeer that I could fly around on as soon as it was legal.I must say for as busy as you were visiting all the houses in the world in 24 hours you always had time for Mrs Claus and I.When I eventually grew up and walked thru the Lincoln Tunnel to move to New York City, Mrs Claus and you even skipped out on the North Pole when I got hurt.Those songs are right, you DO know everything! It was worse then living with a psychologist or a psychic,if you believe in that sort of thing.Although you crazy kids moved away to the North Pole at a young age,it’s a lovely thing that you two discovered magic when you got there.That magic is still alive today every time my needs are met,I get driven to a place I want to go,have emotional support,the piles of paperwork that get done for me,and all the special requests met too.Since I have grown up with Christmas I know it means more then just presents,flying reindeer,and mass consumerism.Since I almost wasn’t around for anymore Christmas’s I think you and Mrs Claus know the magic that has worked and in many ways saved me, is love.Too many people forget that and instead focus on what the elves churn out.Speaking of mass consumerism,in the mall the other day,I heard the song ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus’ that kid was majorly confused! I slightly felt bad for him because I knew who my “Mommy was kissing,” and it was my Dad.So,thanks Mr and Mrs Claus for doing a pretty good job.

bleu

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Truth or Dare

truth“Those who help you up when your down also know what it’s like to be down.” -unknown.
Dear reader,I have a secret to tell you.While I have found writing to be cathartic and sharing my story to be important I feel I haven’t been completely honest.While I have mainly conveyed a hopeful positive person, that has not always been the case.As seen with social media sometimes we share only the best moments in life.Truthfully,life is messy! While indeed I am hopeful and positive about my life, on the other hand there are darker tales untold.I think sharing struggles is just as important as sharing the pretty things in our lives.Even more can be gleaned from the not so perfect.Because flaws are relatable,(were only human)after all “perfect people,”tend to incite feelings of jealousy or envy in others.I think by being honest it brings about closer relations and genuine meaning.To make a long story short through the trials and tribulations of recovery from a near death experience it has been a giant roller coaster.I have experienced highs and lows among the twists,turns,and bumps.Sometimes being flipped completely upside down. Among the highs were triumphs such as successful surgeries,happy moments and significant physical gains.However among the lows were such things as suicidal threats and in particular one near check into a mental health facility(not so fun)so obviously things have been far from perfect to say the least! Oddly enough I eventually found a way to come from those dark corners into a brighter place. I actually lamented that at least being “committed,”would have garnered some good albeit funny stories for later on in life.However, my parents did not find it as comical… Honestly what has gotten me through has been the belief in a God that loves me and wants me well just as much as I want to be well.That and my logical thought of, if I can survive what most surely would not anything is possible.Where it has been ugly and terrible I have also seen the beautiful and wonderful.

bleu

It’s All About Me

me-wordpress-com-domain-upgradeDo people really pay attention?

I used to think that sometimes I was better than other people because of my accomplishments.
The truth is that I’m not and that no one really even knows or cares about your accomplishments.
Most people are self focused, and odds are they aren’t talking about you either.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” -Oscar Wilde.
Unfortunately most people’s accomplishments aren’t generally acknowledged.
What I have found is that it doesn’t matter if people recognize it or not as long as your proud of it and don’t become too prideful(snob alert!)this lead me to think of those that are elderly or forgotten.There are people just walking around that have done immensely interesting things!
Because I have experienced this myself I for one try not to judge anyone too harshly.
At the end of the day, whether people see my inner being or not it doesn’t matter.Because I know myself and I’m very proud of it.This translates into confidence and happiness. However, being proud of yourself walks the fine line between proud and pride.If you too live on this Earth,chances are you too are an overcomer.everyone has had to overcome something.Some are more difficult than others but nonetheless we all struggle in some way.Regardless of the circumstance we all have deep down that fighting,suprise even yourself spirit.This is why at the end of the day no one should dislike looking in the mirror.Because if we truly saw ouselves we’d see something beautiful.What made me come to reflect deeper internally was the event that stripped me externally of anything seemingly impressive.Right now I don’t have a nice car or a lot of money,I don’t even have my prized amazing shoes! Currently I’m stuck in ugly velcro shoes,with a cane,and my left arm just hanging at my side ending in a hand whose fingers will not move for me. To the outside observer I appear to just be handicapped.Little do they know I’m not(to me at least!)nor do they know of my vast accomplishments.Furthermore I hardly appear impressive(ha-ha)but that doesn’t matter because I know.The wondering stares and lack of knowing about the real me no longer bothers me as it once did.Do you know how I accomplished this? Well, I looked at myself but really looked at myself.It doesn’t hurt that I have an incredible support system either.The poem And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou says it best:
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Dear friends and readers my hope for you is to feel this way too in the battle you are fighting.When you look in the mirror don’t only consider your exterior.
Like a pheonix may you too rise from the ashes!

bleu

The best article Cosmo ever conjured

Usually Cosmo maga53c323e56950a_-_cos-01-coma-dezine is really good at informing it’s female masses about sex and how to please their male counterparts.However, with this more recent article (read here) I was pleasantly surprised as I sat in a salon with my head covered in tin foil.I was looking for some reading material to pass the time  while I waited for my hair to become a member of

the copper family,this is  where I met Penny Fisher.

The reason this article was significant to me is because I could relate.

Penny has a rather remarkable story as well.Additionally what’s more remarkable is Her attitude.

I quickly perused the pages of Cosmo expecting the same old vapid content,that is until I crossed paths with Penny.

This woman  had to forego multiple amputations,when some of us complain about our hair!

Needless to say perspective is everything.I found this particular article to be uplifting rather than another “puff piece.”

People need to  see more articles like the story of Penny Fisher. Everyday the world at large concerns itself with things that are shallow.In reality as people were not all that superficial.However, mass media would lead one to believe otherwise.The truth is that after such a life altering event occurs it’s difficult to relate to “normal,” worries  when they truly are quite petty in the bigger picture.Sometimes, I feel like a being sent back in time to deliver an important message.Except instead of a time machine  I came back from the brink of death to yell “Appreciate your life,” using media as a bullhorn.It’s not that either  of us(Penny or I ) lost a great life,but rather now we have a chance to make an even better one.While I have endured much suffering,out of the pain a  baby has  been birthed.This child I hope will grow up wise and knowledgable.When the dust clears on the playing field  I’m trying my best to continue standing there having endured a storm.I’m looking forward to taking a nice big gulp of  life sustaining oxygen again soon.Finally,besides the air clearing up it’s also clear that it’s important to have a clear mind and value the  correct things in life.Had I known what I know now,rather than gripe over minimal worries I would have skipped down the street handing out all my money to the homeless in NYC.If your main concern is  the subject of physical looks or money,or even your significant other your doing fantastic.Life is too short to live it in the constraints of the “worlds,”or other people’s expectations. Follow your heart but just don’t forget your head

bleu

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