Posts Tagged ‘stroke’

September 20, 2015

Brooklyn or Bust

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” ― J.K.Rowling.

It wasn’t all that long ago(or so it seems) that I had a daydream, which like most daydreams seemed unlikely to happen. While I wobbled along in a rehab building on an indoor track, relearning how to walk my mind wandered to a less dismal place. For motivation, I would imagine myself walking across the Brooklyn Bridge(my favorite) towards a more joyful and better place than my current reality. At the time walking at all was a feat, much less completing over a mile walk across an iconic bridge that was over 600 miles away from where I was. Just like hope can pull you out of a dark place; having a daydream can pull you forward towards your goal. It’s so important that you be around and supported by people who don’t find your daydreams to be preposterous. When you share your vision, it’s wonderful to be met with a vote of confidence, offers of help, or even those who treat it as a perfectly normal statement. Your dreams will have a harder time of being born into reality, if they’re planted in harsh soil. Therefore, share them with those that will encourage and help them to grow. Once I built up the endurance to walk a long distance, I then needed the funds to make the trip. Through an online fundraiser and with the help of a number of friends

and family, I was able to raise enough money to take the trip to Brooklyn. Not to mention ride Jane’s Carousel!

janes-carousel-28

The support not only financially, but emotionally helped bring a baby daydream to its full term reality. Without the backing from the numerous people that believed in me, my daydream would’ve withered away. On my own I could not have reached my goal. This is proof positive of how important it is to plant your dreams in fertile soil. The seeds born from your imagination, do best in supportive soil. Therefore, keep them safe from the thorny grounds of disbelief,negativity, worry and doubt. I am very fortunate to have had so much support. It is because of that, I can now tell you I walked all 1.1 miles of the Brooklyn Bridge with those very same supporters. Of course I had to leave a memento, so I made my own love lock(see here) for the occasion. Nothing is impossible my dears.

-cheers and plant in good soil!

August 21, 2015

The source

“Faith. It does not make things easy, it makes them possible.” -unknown.

From time to time people tell me I’m amazing or very strong,but it is the source of how I became this way that deserves a mention. If I was unaware of how loved I am, my confidence could falter, and I might actually buy into that little voice in my head that attempts to negate me. Many of us have that small voice that likes to tell us that we can’t accomplish anything, were not good enough,or that something will never happen that we desire. Unfortunately, for some people that small voice can seem much bigger than it is. I’ve learned that the negative voice is just a like a lion walking around roaring seeking whom He may devour(Peter 5:8). If you stand strong against it, and speak the opposite of what it tries to tell you, it will wither away with it’s tail between it’s legs. You can only be devoured if you do nothing and accept it. Therefore, stand strong on the knowledge that you’re worthy and loved. It’s much more difficult to push over a house that’s laid it’s foundation on a rock. So stand firm and move ever forward on your path to victory, whatever that may be for you. My strength comes from the knowledge of God. I have experienced a miracle, and seen too many small ones along the way, not to take notice that I have someone looking out for me(on Earth and in the sky!) In that I have found continual strength to face the day and persevere. If I was completely unbelieving or unaware, I don’t think I would be as far along as I am. In fact I would’ve been committed to a psych ward by now(this almost happened, almost) Before I had a massive stroke, my Sundays were reserved for sleeping in, or whatever else I wanted to do. However, armed with the knowledge of the light of the universe(God,love) I’ve stayed strong on my path of recovery. Even when the darkness seems to envelope you, there is always a small light that it cannot completely overcome. For example, imagine a windowless auditorium in which there is a single lightning bug(see here ) flying around. Every eye in attendance would drift to that little bug, and no matter how dark the darkness is, it can’t put out the light coming from it.

be that little bug!

August 18, 2015

future feature

“You can never plan the future by the past.” -Edmund Burke.

It’s no secret that psychics, fortune tellers, and tarot card readers are a sham and this is why I believe that. Because, as humans We have a mystical tool that allows us to shape our futures, a little thing called choices. However, many things occur to us that We did not choose, but even so you can still choose your perspective. Even when circumstances seem particularly bleak, you can choose to see the glass half full. If We could actually see the future, surely it would change or improve upon the decisions We do make. Therefore, many people seek out someone(or something) to help guide them on the path towards and through this unknown future landscape. Our need to know or control all aspects of our lives brings in the worrying thoughts, repetitive condemnations, questions, and fear. All this can culminate into a visit to a psychic. However, they are no more knowledgeable about the future than you are. This is comforting, because not knowing the future, means that anything is possible! Certainly knowing the future would have reassured my Parents when I was in the ICU of a hospital. Because there was no way at that present moment they could see this from where they sat inside my hospital room.

Photos: left, in ICU and right, in California 2 years later.

Even the Doctors, whom so closely monitored me at the time did not predict this. As you can see, the future is unpredictable by most if not all. This is good news, because it indicates that the future can radically change. When nothing is certain, anything is possible. Sometimes, you just have to let go, as much as you want to hang on. In letting go of absolute control, you allow peace to enter and can more readily enjoy the ride. It’s when I let go that I was able to let myself be surprised. If you can negate our human need to have control, you may just find some contentment, and peace of mind. In no way am I suggesting you fall like a leaf into the wind. Just that by releasing some of the burdens of striving it will allow more life to happen to you, rather than you happening to it. In doing so, you’ll be headed to your goal with less strife. Not to mention, if life was predictable it would be lackluster and unchallenging. It is in our challenges, that We find what were truly made of, and surprise ourselves. It’s in the unscripted pages of time that We find the many paths available to us. Be sure to tune into that small still voice inside, and follow the path that brings you life!

embrace the possibilities,

August 16, 2015

Dating(what is it good for?

“Love isn’t something you find. Love is something that finds you.” -Loretta Young.

Since, it’s pretty obvious that modern dating has pretty much killed any romance(see here)

As much as it’s about finding or meeting someone else, in an odd way it helped me find myself instead. For years I lamented a general despise for the idea of dating, all the while also being quite lonely. However, in retrospect when I finally decided to venture out and meet someone it also led me back to myself in ways I didn’t expect. Each blind date I went on(the few anyway) I didn’t dress to impress, but rather for myself and what I liked. If they liked it or not I couldn’t be bothered. In another instance I ran late because I had gotten pulled in by some pretty headpieces in a shop window. While this all sounds like I’m some kind of “bad dater,” I beg to differ, because in a subtle way my lack of being dependent on the approval of someone else was rearing it’s singular head. My dating adventures didn’t stop there of course. While I certainly didn’t find a Mr. Right or Prince Charming, the sheer act of putting myself out there was fun. I did meet some cool and interesting guys, but more importantly I narrowed down what I did or didn’t want. Modern dating may have killed romance, but in the process it’s made us more independent. Whether it’s simply because you can’t manage to find someone or have a realization that you don’t necessarily need to. Even in a marriage you need to be self sufficient and well contented(happy!) within yourself. Because single or attached it helps to be playing with a full deck of cards. Only you have the ability to bring yourself happiness, rather than a fellow human being. I remain single(or am) but I’m learning. I’m getting an education in self sufficiency. In navigating my way through a seemingly impossible situation, I’m gaining awareness of just how strong I am, but also how weak I can feel. The good news is that where I am weak, others have helped hold me up to prevent me from falling. In my frailty(emotional or otherwise) I’ve peeled back the layers to find strength and meaning. As much as some women look for a knight in shining armor, I’ve proven that you don’t need one. Your life should be enriched by a Prince(or Princess) but not saved by one. There are many times you will have to slay your own dragons, and I promise it’s not as difficult as you may think and you can do it.

la la la love,

August 13, 2015

the golden touch.

“Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.

– Charles Dickens.”

How many friends do you have? I’m not speaking of Facebook, Instagram or social media, but actual friends. We cross paths with and touch hundreds of people every year. This didn’t become so obvious to me until I landed in the ICU of an upstate New York Hospital. An online fundraiser was started for me, and who were the majority of donors? Well, not many of them were close friends, surprising? Yes! Instead, they were the girl I had crossed paths with once in my work and charmed, the group of lovely friends in Brooklyn that I played beer pong with once in their loft, a group of pretty girls I took a pin-up class with in New York City, family members and best friends of people(ie my boyfriend at the time) that loved me. Even people I worked with or had worked with contributed. As many of my friends that gave, so did people who I had crossed paths with before the stroke occurred. Some of these near perfect strangers even wrote in loving(some funny)things with their donations. Not only was I peasantly surprised by the outpouring of love,but even more so the reactions I received from those I had met only once(or twice). I couldn’t believe they remembered me, much less that I left such an impression. What if I had been grumpy,unfriendly,or unapproachable that day instead? It was obvious that you never know who your going to meet, and how they’ll react to(and remember) you. Little did I know at the time, that each of these beautiful souls could easily have been some of my very close friends! This also begs the question “ How would you like to be remembered? We all want to be remembered fondly, and I just happened to get a glimpse of my own rememberence. This clearly showed me that, you should not take your presence for granted. Because you affect far more then you know. I left a lasting impression not because of what happened to me, but rather because of who I am as a person. These people remembered a friendly,fun,relatable girl. We can all leave such impressions. How? By waking up each day, embracing it, being grateful for our lives, and holding onto our childlike wonder. Moreover by letting go of our fears or worries and taking life head on, because after all We only have one!

go out and cause a positive effect,

August 9, 2015

This is not a Test

“Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.” –Charles Spurgeon

Growing up can be difficult, but being an adult is even harder. We are continually tested, with exams in school,our patience,in our ambition,by children, and even in our relationships. Not only do these things test us,but even time tests us! Within life there are multiple tests nearly everyday. However, We tend to forget that life itself can be one giant test,and one in which there are no retakes. Not to mention, you won’t be graded on a curve. My particular test has been an illness(or accident)that with it brought grades not of letters,but of emotions,and in steps of recovery. I no longer had to memorize book knowledge,but instead bring forth my soul into something tangible that would carry me through the circumstances. A correct answer on a test wasn’t going to achieve the goal of walking better(or at all)for me. Instead of answers I needed to take action and ask even more questions of myself. Now was the time to grit my teeth and employ my resolve to see just how much I had learned in the class of life thus far. It came as no surprise that class is not quite over,and the teacher can be a harsh one. She generally offers no retakes when you fail,but when you catch Her on a good day you’ll receive quite a few, so try not to screw it up too badly(ha-ha). However, the entirety of the class cannot be retaken. Therefore, it’s best to show up everyday,be present,be mindful,and certainly be kind to your classmates. As it turns out when you employ these tactics in a state of positivity, it becomes increasingly easier to ace anything. Also, don’t fear graduation day too much(see here). Since We only get to take this class once, I think it’d be a grand idea to rise to a challenge with the reply “this is exactly what I need,” and don’t let too many opportunities pass you by. Even when said opportunity is daunting, remember a marathon is completed by taking that first step.

5K? no problem,

Listen to these lyrics, they’re for you.[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnoyiVZUxUk&w=420&h=315%5D

August 5, 2015

Brain Dead

“When nothing is certain,anything is possible.” -unknown.

I have a bone to pick with the medical community. Today I was mentally aghast, when I overheard a woman telling someone about the parts of their brain that were now dead,due to a stroke. I find this and statements similar to be abhorrent concerning the recovery process. It is simply counterproductive and hope dashing. Being “realistic,”is an excellent attitude, if you don’t want to get very far. Do you know what drives success? Not only ambition, having dreams and setting goals, but also not listening to the naysayers. Those with negative or “realistic,” outlooks don’t get as far as the dreamers. Because in order to be interesting,successful,or have adventures you have to have a broader view and believe in the impossible. The difference is, that being unrealistic lends it’s hand to inspiration,motivation,and success. When I was in the Hospital,in ICU it wouldv’e been “realistic,” to declare that I had severe brain damage and likely would not recover well,or at all. However, according to a neurosurgeon that saw my “brain damaged scans,” He declared with a happy face, that I was doing things that I should not be able to do. My answer to that(not at the time)is “Yes of course.” It turns out the more “realistic,” people were sadly mistaken. No one ever changed the world by seeing the glass half full. Dare I suggest to that woman, “ Your brain is beautiful, We just need to work on this and you will improve!” Now, what would motivate and send Her in the direction of a better recovery? Telling Her that,or declaring that part of Her brain is dead? The more productive and correct answer is the latter. There’s nothing I despise more than realistic or negative people. Some of my largest accomplishments and the best stories, were born out of ignoring those people. I certainly don’t have any plans to begin listening to them now. My future and very life depend upon not listening to them as a matter of fact. You must be wise in who you choose to listen to,or not listen to. You can’t go too astray by shooting for the moon and striving for more. Besides, if you don’t quite hit the moon, you’ll be a lot closer to the stars than those that chose to remain on the ground.

Love you to the moon and back!

July 28, 2015

What a World of Whimsy

“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age,which means never losing your enthusiasm.” -Aldous Huxley.

Those of us who manage to hold onto our childlike wonder, become like a magnet,and light to others. It is with the simple joys of a child that life becomes and remains magical. Why is it that imagination(or creativity) is so often scolded rather than fostered? It seems that the World is uncomfortable with the daydreamers. However, before We are able to do anything we must imagine it first. No great feat(personal or otherwise) has been accomplished by following the rules,playing it safe,or by thinking within the box. Unfortunately people like to see others fail, rather than flourish. Therefore, they try to negate the grand ideas of dreamers. Whether it’s by telling you that you cannot accomplish something or children in school(a rigid place) teasing the often aloof daydreamer of the group. The more opposition you’re met with is a clue that your on the right track. Although, it’s unwise to be bullheaded and stubborn. At any rate, just don’t give up on your dreams. It is known that fear and doubt only serve to derail you,so ignore those false directions! Surround yourself with that which is good, and turn a blind eye to the doubters. Life is far too short to waste any time with the fears of someone else. Fill your mind with encouragement and positive thoughts. It helps tremendously to fix your thoughts on what is true,honorable,right,pure,lovely,and admirable(Phil 4:8). Personally I’ve found that by just having lovely thoughts and objects around me, it makes a difference. More recently I acquired an old 1960’s vanity, which I filled with lovely objects that lift my spirit,either with memories or simply their aesthetic. We(family) refinished it back to it’s original splendor, and then I proceeded to decorate it with what makes me feel good(see below). Some people create shrines to a specific God,but I think it also worthy to create a shrine to all that makes you feel good(an idea here)whether, you choose a physical collection of objects, or a vision board you cannot go wrong. Before something can manifest in the physical, it’s imperative we visualize it,and this is why imagination is so vital to the human experience. Dear friends,don’t be swayed by the cares of this world,because if you let it,it will choke the dreams from behind your eyelids. Therefore, keep your eyes set on the sky above,and shoot for the moon!

No doubts,

Here is a peek at my “shrine.”

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEusoSyYK7k&w=560&h=315%5D

July 18, 2015

Defying Death

“For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.”

-Khalil Gibran.

Not too long ago a friend asked me if I was afraid of death, and She was right in supposing that I am not. In coming so close to dying and surviving, any fears of it were removed. Although I cannot completely take the credit. Many doctors,nurses,friends,family,and certainly angels were present. There is no reason to fear death because We are immortal. It has been scientifically shown that, energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Therefore, our energy(or soul) must simply be transferred somewhere else. This life is a transient plane. If your circumstances are bad, it helps to remind yourself that nothing is forever. This reminder also helps us to savor the present moment.While no one knows what happens to us when We pass,there are many theories. Some people have actually surmised a weight for our soul( 21 grams). There is no reason to fear. Through my recovery, love has continually carried me through. Each day We have a choice, there is no “wrong side of the bed.” Were not at the mercy of our emotions. This certainly doesn’t mean be robotic,just that We have a choice. I don’t know about you, but I enjoy having some semblance of control. Even though the World seems random or out of control it is oddly enough quite orderly. The Earth obeys laws of nature, the sun rises and sets each day, and even the stars are in patterns that create constellations. Each day your lungs inhale oxygen,you open your eyes, and move about freely(some cannot) We are not like a Fall leaf carried by the wind, so this is actually good news! You can make a conscious decision to be happy(and share it with others)or not. As Yoda says(nerd alert!). Do or do not, there is no try.Hope deferred makes the heart sick, if you follow the ways of love, you can’t go wrong. Each of us have options(yay options!) We can choose life(positivity) or choose death(negativity) Both have been placed before us. To my knowledge you’ll always win when you choose life.

LOVE,

July 15, 2015

Will you still love me

“My favorite things in life don’t cost any money. It’s really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time.”

-Steve Jobs.

Time is one of the most valuable currencies and I felt like I was running out of it. We all fear the process of aging and getting older,in particular women(as I am) because much of our value in society(at least in America) is based on youth and beauty.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_1aF54DO60&w=560&h=315%5D

Therefore, it leaves thousands of the fairer sex trying to stop or regain time from a bottle(thanks beauty industry). After this happened to me(the massive stroke) I had many things never thought of before on my mind. One of those things was the idea and concept of time. A myriad of new questions swirled in my head. “As I get older will I lose my value?” “Has this completely stolen my prime years!?” Time was no longer marching forward for me, it had stopped. Caught in this slow motion car wreck, all I could see were the things I was missing out on. The things I would or should be doing instead of being all messed up in a rehab, hospitals,and doctor offices. All I could see were countless hours of my life slipping through my hands. This is also why I had to avoid Facebook for awhile, if not completely. Because my friends were doing what I was, or would be doing had this not happened to me. This begged the question “Can time be made up?” The answer to that is no, which terrified me. I couldn’t make up or get back the memories of the things I was missing out on. Although others assured me I wasn’t missing out, I was still convinced of it. When your not living your life, but instead watching it go by, nothing seems right. I have never been one to sit on the sidelines, but now I had been “benched.” In my down time I plotted how I was going to get back into the game. In moving forward, it was difficult for me not to look back. If you can just focus on the present at hand and simplify it, you stop marrying your present to your past.( Therefore, the future becomes less scary. This was helpful to me, because I was thoroughly scared of the future. There are certain accomplishments in life that help to propel you and build a solid foundation for the future. However, while I was in the middle of those things I had been practically knocked off of the playing board! Now how was I to make up or regain those lost spaces? I began to keep count of them. For example: “Today was a huge raise!” or “ Oh that was your tropical vacation time.” Seeing these things go by was infuriating. It no longer became a question of how to make those things up, but I was fed up. I concluded that if the massive stroke was an actual person I would exact brutal revenge on them,and likely go to prison for it. Escaping thoughts of my decreasing value as I aged and the seeming loss of my prime years became like treating a disease,using continued treatments. In the form of reassurance and ignoring it as much as possible. If there is a lesson to be learned in all of this I’m still not sure of it, and I wonder, “What prizes will I gain when I finally get to the finish line?

Finish strong!

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