Posts Tagged ‘stroke’

Entity

Where do you live? Which county, town, and city?  We can all answer this question for one reason, and one reason only. Boundaries and limitations. As Humans we simply can’t stand not being labelled. We label everything, we need them.  Due to this we can stand in nearly every location and give it a name or an address. But do you know who  cannot do that? Animals. Animals, do not comprehend boundaries. For them, the World is their home. Perhaps, we should take a cue from them and just live, rather than  theorize everything. I know that need to do such a thing, and more than likely  so do you.  More importantly, is it possible to dissolve the boundaries in our minds? It is, it’s uncomftorable, and you’ll probably feel like a leaf in the wind. Should I tell you how I know this? Well…..  after the  Stroke happened to me, my plans and sense of direction dissolved, so I had no choice but to learn how to drift on the wind gracefully. I tried my best to overcome uncertainty, I did my best to accept the change of my  “plans,” and I definitely tried to circumvent  the whole ordeal. But, like a Warbler (bird) in the woods, I had to fly about not knowing anything about the places where  I landed, nor for how long I’d be there. Working on my balance?  That   flight was a bit delayed, and I’m still working on sticking the landing. You’d be shocked at how difficult  walking feels, when  your brain has decided to pretend  that one side of your body doesn’t exist (i.e hemiparalysis)  So, rather than be angry that my balance  seems to constantly threaten me with falls, I am simply grateful to be walking at all.   Just like with my balance, I’m also constantly working on getting better. Not just physically, but in everything. Whilst it is mainly physical improvement I strive for, I don’t forget something equally as important, that of my mind. After all, you may not walk a straight line to your end goal, but as long as you’re steering in that direction you will not fail to reach the desired destination!

Autopilot

Dear Reader, I do not know you, but  perhaps you need to hear this Today. How many times have you  “forgotten,” to lock the door, unplug your curling iron, or check work emails? Only to find that you already did!? Many of us operate from our subconscious a.k.a on autopilot. We think that autopilot mostly runs during day to day tasks, -but- as I have found many times it also  runs our emotions. As we grew up, our emotions also began to take root in  a foundation, where autopilot can often operate from. For example, you may at a base level always expect(or suspect) rejection as a  natural defense mechanism against disappointment. Or- if you’re especially well adjusted(not many of us are!) you may operate from a natural place of optimism, determination, or perseverance. The list is as endless as it is varied. The tricky part is, that we don’t often know or even realize when we’re on autopilot! Being unaware of this, it can have the power to stir up unpleasant feelings, complicate situations, or  cause us to make incorrect assumptions. There is real danger to not recognizing that we have this “program,” running in the background. Especially because, just like in a computer, it could potentially be harboring a virus that harms our Lives and  our ability to function successfully. The question is, how can we figure out our particular program, and work to make it healthy?  Rather than figure it out by consistently making the same damaging mistakes, there is a much less consequential way to learn it. And for some of us, it may be uncomfortable.  Ready? …… Deep Self Reflection!  This doesn’t necessarily mean meditation either. Rather, taking a serious inventory of your current circumstances, how you got there, and where you want to go. Are there any noticeable  patterns to your successes? Your failures?  And in what ways, have these patterns ebbed and flowed to create your current stream of consciousness?  Sometimes the realization will hit you during a familiar interaction(like me) after a Life altering event, or better yet, you’ll figure it out after taking stock and making a list of potential patterns. No matter how  you figure it out, I urge you to do it. Why? Because, having such a tool in your box  will only help you.

Dear Hope

Hello,

 You and I have been acquaintences for some time.   In the preceding years after my birth,  I will admit  that at times our relationship has been stronger than others. However, you have never completely waned from my Life. Nor have I ever given up on you completely.  After I nearly died from an unexpected stroke, and once the fog that enveloped my brain had lifted, I needed you more than at any other time. Feeling like a ship adrift  at Sea, I discovered that when I began to look for you as if for Land, you did not leave Me. In fact just as  Earth’s crust has been steady underfoot for eons, you too did not falter.  Rather (to paraphrase Jane Eyre) it was as if during the darkest night of my Life  you had traversed  in my sleep and left each morning  brighter traces of your steps.  The Day any person loses you completely, I’m convinced it will be the death of their Soul. Because, you bring  light that helps piece the shards together of any broken mirror.  You rouse one out of bed when they’d rather not face the Day. You inspire positive thoughts and outlooks  for the future.  Without you, I daresay we’d all be lost. Lost to overcoming. Lost to  the ability of drumming up strength. Lost to   trying  in spite of insurmountable odds. Lost on the idea that a rising tide can lift ALL ships. Hope, I don’t know if YOU realize  how important You are. And my wish is that  Humanity always comes to your doorstep when they find themselves in need. Because, I know that whence they knock the door is surely opened. 

Thank You.

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Endurance

No one is brought up in this World and taught that Life is difficult from a young age. Rather we all seem to come to that belief later in Life!  I used to wonder why after about age thirty ,it seemed that  for most people  there was a problematic decline in their level of optimism. Therefore, I vowed at an early age never to lose my child like wonder or become a cranky elderly person. Rather, I wanted to hold onto my  optimistic view, youthful vigor, and appreciation  for the small things.  I’m actually proud to report that I’ve managed thus far to  uphold my youthful promise to myself. It  certainly hasn’t been  of a conscious effort. Rather,  I owe it to my  natural disposition, sub conscious mind, and of all things a near death experience. While I’m admittedly  not thankful for the vast number of physical difficulties(painful ones too)  I have come to realize that there has been an immense strengthening during those stretches of time.  In a way time stopped for me on October 12th, 2012 when I unexpectedly suffered a massive stroke.  After that point, my plans for ages 28 and 29, were taken on an extended detour. I struggled to bridge the gap and  maintain things for awhile, but- as Dylan sings “The times they are a changin,”  and that’s okay. Because  there is good news rolled into the bad news of that reality.  It meant, my suffering(and yours) would not last forever, just as the good times don’t last forever. Although my plight could’ve led to imminent disaster, quite the opposite occurred. I found those cliche’ sayings to ring true. It really is the darkest before the dawn! For me it was a slow dawning to the realization that, in what I once saw as a complete loss, was actually a complete gain! A gain of time rather than the loss of it. A gain of appreciation  for beauty rather than the ignorance of the beauty Life holds.  Most importantly, a  leap in wisdom that usually only old age or tough trials can bring.  I don’t claim to know it all, quite the opposite. -but- I do know that if you look closely at the trials in your own Life, you’ll find  the strength to overcome rather than  be overcome.

Wherever you go, there you are

What defines you? The answer to that question will vary for almost everyone. However, most of those answers will probably be incorrect. Is it your personality? Your  worldly possessions? Or perhaps your zip code? The question of what makes  us human has been debated for eons, and more interestingly  this question could be answered by a  neuroscientist. In other words, perhaps it is the contents of our brains that make us who we are. I contend that it is the strength of your character, the contents of your heart, and the  fruits of your Life.  Sometime ago I would’ve answered it’s your personality that makes you who you are. Except, personalities can change. They only appear to remain constant as long as a person’s Life circumstances remain fairly stable.  Throw a massive stroke in(like I had) or other variation of a brain injury and  what  happens after that, will certainly challenge who you are. Amid  the many words heard  from medical professionals were “personality change,” “ Won’t recognize loved ones anymore,”  and “ We just don’t know how She will turn out.”    I’ll be the first to admit that my behavior at times was outlandish, my social filter was severely compromised, and  everything was up in the air. But- as time goes on( and my social filter has improved) it has become increasingly clear, that I am and have always been me. My interests haven’t particularly changed much, my sense of humor, my likes and dislikes, and so on. What’s stunning about this from a personal and even medical perspective is that, a major trauma or even physical changes have not deviated me away from who I am at the very core of my being.   It doesn’t seem to matter where you put me, I find a way to thrive just as a flower that grows through concrete. Ultimately I’ve learned, what matters most is what you give to others rather than take. And  I’ll tell you a secret. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO YOU!
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Little Drops of Water

“Life is not important, except in the impact it has on other lives,”

-Jackie Robinson.

Just as a minuscule drop of water falling into a pond creates   a ripple that expands out until we can no longer see it; so do our lives  in the  oceanic universe. You may not be able to see how far reaching your actions are, but  for every action there is a reaction. That being said, if your action is one of kindness, then the reaction you receive will be  equally kind!  It also serves to  note, that people  remember  acts of grandeur no matter how small. One such act was made by a dog  named Hachiko in the 1930s  for His owner  Hidesaburo Ueno. This tiny soul waited for nine  years(that’s 3,285 days of His life) for  His  owner to return home from work. Today, a small bronze statue stands in remembrance of this story outside of the busy train station where this dog left  so much of  His love behind.  How many people per day scurry past this unassuming  statue without ever knowing the  enormity of the story behind it? How many people or places have you scurried by without ever knowing their significance?   Furthermore, how many people have not acknowledged your  significance? Do you reckon, that if we could all slow down enough to actually see these things, Life would become more meaningful? Or perhaps, recognizing these things to be true, we’d   discover increased value for and endeavor to create a better Life? One, that does not revolve on what we can get, but rather give.  No matter how much I have  supposedly given away, it has come back to me ten fold! A little known universal secret is that nothing you give away is ever truly lost. In fact, if you give with a heart of joy and gratitude you’re more likely to get it back and then some.  Our society is entirely too focused on what we can get, or we get to keep.  However, I have personally observed and experienced the opposite to be true.  I have no qualms about “giving  away,” money I don’t have, or extra time to volunteer; because it always comes back to me. If you don’t know already my Life  itself was given back to me, and in many ways I’m living a second life! Rather than dying from a massive stroke in 2012 at the age of 28, I  survived to continue on. Therefore, I’ve already been given more time, more money, and abundance.  And I challenge you to share some of your abundance. Because, I promise if you slow down enough to look for it in your Life you will find it.

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The Plight of Angels

“All God’s angels come to us disguised.”  – James Russell Lowell

Love may not be tangible, but the objects that result from it are. I can look around me and see gifts from each person that loves me. They adorn my walls, my desk space, and take up residence in my record cabinet! Each object is a token of love from an irreplaceable human. However, not all of these seemingly  ordinary people  are human, some  of them are angels. Indeed  one of these creatures was actually my nurse while I was sedated in  the ICU. She prayed over me, sang the same songs, and today we share the same understanding.  Much like a palindrome, where there are words hidden within, and it’s understood in both directions, an invisible  river  of a s shared experience runs between us that ties us together. We knew nothing of each other before She  walked into my room, but that didn’t matter to Her, nonetheless She was going to put 200% of Herself into caring for me. Even now, I don’t believe I fully grasp the gravity of my situation in 2012. I have since learned that I was discovered on the floor gasping for breath in agony(a sign of a brain in the process of dying) and needed to be resuscitated. This was the state  from which a team of humans(and  many angels) were tasked  with bringing me back from. I was on the brink of death, and they weren’t going to let me completely fall! During the time that I spent in a coma, I wish I could  recall something, anything. However,  that time instead is one big blank in the  continuum of my timeline. While I lay unaware of my surroundings, the people that were there to observe felt the pain for me. Therefore,   they experienced it just as much(if not more) then I did!    Because of this lapse in consciousness, I’m discovering my own story  as if it is happening for the first time. It’s a rather weird  thing to have had such an earth shattering experience, but not to recall it.  As many of the details that I’ve missed, I certainly have not failed to recognize the key players in my  tale. Although, my story nearly ended in  total tragedy, now that I’m awake(and alive) to take over the narrative you can bet I’ll have a happy ending. Life is what you make of it!

-XOXO BLEU

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The Formula.

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” – Gerard Way.

I’ve been asked on many occasions, how I’ve dealt with a landslide of changes and perceived losses  yet continued to move forward. That’s just it, perception. All of the things that were uncontrollable for me, could happen to anyone, but then again most people don’t have massive strokes in their twenties. As rare as such an event is(thankfully) it’s just as rare to survive it. Besides the initial question of how such a thing could happen, the question became what to do when it does. I have been  attempting to answer that question for the last five years. At first  it was just a matter of survival. While I don’t recall my time in  intensive care my family certainly does. They and the medical team were fighting for me at the time. However, now that I’m able it’s my turn to enlist in the battle for myself. As I have steadily made physical and cognitive gains, many people are impressed. However, what they don’t fully realize is that anyone can achieve what I have, including them. There’s a formula.  Once I became more fully  aware of what had happened to me I became deeply depressed. Except at some point I knew that I couldn’t let that depression be a road block in my recovery. After all, I was in the fight of my life! When push came to shove, I wasn’t going to let the stroke continue to push me down. Certainly it did while I was still in the hospital. But now,  I felt an obligation to getting my life back.  It’s funny that after you’ve been railroaded, a great determination is built up in you as a result. I simply used  this determination to kick some proverbial butt. Along the way I have set some lofty goals for myself. Even if I fail, I will have failed  above other people because I’ve set the bar so high. In the last 1,825 days following my stroke I’ve met and had the pleasure of working with some of the most amazing individuals. Besides, the stroke really showing me what I’m made of, it has unveiled a different side of life. The side we often don’t notice and the places we oft ignore. It is in these places I have found beauty, love, friendship, and thankfulness. A lot of the formula boils down to gratitude and acceptance.

 

Practice gratefulness!

 

 

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

You’ve always had the power dear, you just had to learn it for yourself,”  -Glinda the Good Witch.

This post will not be as long as my journey after stroke. Much like Dorothy’s house was picked up in a storm, my life too was hauled off. Except, it was by a stroke rather then a fictional tornado. 

In surviving the fall from the sky, I seemingly eradicated the grim reaper much like Dorothy’s witch. In my travels since emerging from the wreckage, I too have been periodically tormented by fear. While fear is not easily destroyed by a bucket of water as in the film, it  can be destroyed by dousing it with its opposite.  The substance of love, hope, kindness, and healthy support.  You  must ignore that nagging voice in your head that insists everything will go wrong, you won’t be able to achieve your goal, and life is just happening to you. That’s a funny thing because you have the ability to exercise your will and build the road that you desire. The fear you encounter while working  away on your goal can be diffused by declaring the opposite of what it’s trying to  convince you of.  In fact as you follow this path treating yourself with love, and receiving  it from others, you’ll stumble across some breakthroughs. Not only will you experience breakthroughs, but you will also meet people to help you  of an excellent caliber. People who possess hearts full of love, have infinite patience, and a true desire to help. You won’t meet these people while following the path of least resistance. As it turns out after surviving the equivalent of a thousand foot fall from the sky, you can learn to walk again(literally) just as a bird with a mended broken wing will eventually spread its wings and fly. Life doesn’t happen while you stand back and watch but when you press into it, even if it pushes back. Most of my success has happened when I dove into something head first. If you’re afraid then do it afraid! You’ll be surprised by just how much your capable of. However, if you let the fear lay a brick wall in front of you rather then a road you’ll never know. So as the song goes…. “Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road, follow, follow, follow, follow…. And I’m pretty sure there are no lyrics  concerning  coming to a halt.

Cheers!

bleu

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The Second Life is a Charm.

swing

“First, I have to thank God for giving me the gift that he did as well as a second chance for a better life.” –unknown.

I’m only 33, but I’ve lived two lifetimes. Currently I’m on my second. In the first one I was a fiercely independent twenty something living in New York City, keeping busy, and working in a promising professional career.  It was the beginning of my “adult,” existence. Living in a tiny room  that I rented in a nice apartment in the best city in the world. I had a 401k  under my belt, and nothing but big plans for the future in front of me. But of course, as they say  “ Life happens while your busy making other plans.”   And in my case, that saying proved to be true. Because I unexpectedly had a massive stroke and all those big plans suddenly fell through. In my second life I’m now a fiercely independent thirty something. Living in a pretty house in the woods, trying to figure things out, and life this time around has a lot less noise in it. However, despite my first go around I’m still making plans but they’re in a different vein. Rather then building on top of what I already have, I’m in the process of rebuilding.  I used to despair over the loss of my former plans, but slowly I have begun to realize that in the new plans I can do anything. It’s similar to the joy I felt in moving to a new neighborhood where nobody knew who I was. I could go to the grocery store under dressed and not run into a soul I knew. The freedom of that was rather nice. Except, this time around that new neighborhood is practically the whole world. After the stroke I was thrust into a new plane of existence. I had a past but it did not define me, in fact I could choose to omit the parts of my past I did not favor. After the stroke it was as if most people were meeting me for the first time. There were no expectations or preconceived notions. I could tell them what I wanted and in being able to choose the past I liked, that eventually also meant I could choose whatever future I wanted as well. The massive stroke cleared the game board of my life so I was now free to set it up again how I liked. This by no means has been easy. In fact it’s the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I am just now beginning to see the freedom in what I previously thought was a death sentence. My future is still bright, and this one single event does not  hold true for every area of my life. Because, although life is short there is still plenty you can do with it. Therefore, aim to live yours to the fullest.

Life is a gift, savor the unwrapping of it!
bleu

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