Happy New Year!
New Year, New You.
Posts Tagged ‘New York City’
Multiplicity
There is no Multiverse, but there are multiple versions of you. Throughout your Life, within every person that’s been close with you, lives a version of you from that time period. Every version is different, and they culminate into the person you are in this moment. After I suffered a debilitating stroke, I wanted the versions of myself that lived in my friends minds to be what existed in the current physical realm. Therefore, I actually hid from some people, preferring to be the version that they remembered over the version of me that is. This sentiment crossed my mind again more recently upon the impending reunion with a long time friend. However, I pushed those notions away in favor of anticipation. Where I once wanted to stay hidden away in favor of a memory was no more. Because, I’ve realized staying stuck as the same version in someone’s mind correlates to being stuck in the here and now. There is no growth in that. Besides, with the right person you won’t be afraid to be yourself. Even if I was in a wheelchair, they could see me walking. Even though my left side may be currently paralyzed, they could see me moving fluidly. In fact, whatever the current physical reality was, they would see me. And, just the same, I would see them! That’s the beauty of knowing. It’s not that we have the ability to recall a preferred version of each other, but rather that we can see each other through whatever version we are currently inhabiting. The ability to do this with one another is not only true authenticity, but it’s what creates a safe place. It is a space in which we can be messy. A place in which we can be vulnerable. A place in which we can truly share a laugh. Furthermore, one in which, failure is okay and successes are celebrated. My wish is not to be an old version of myself that is remembered by someone, but to be brave enough to shatter that memory and replace it with who I am today. More importantly I hope to always have people in my Life that I can do that with, and I hope you do too!
Endurance
No one is brought up in this World and taught that Life is difficult from a young age. Rather we all seem to come to that belief later in Life! I used to wonder why after about age thirty ,it seemed that for most people there was a problematic decline in their level of optimism. Therefore, I vowed at an early age never to lose my child like wonder or become a cranky elderly person. Rather, I wanted to hold onto my optimistic view, youthful vigor, and appreciation for the small things. I’m actually proud to report that I’ve managed thus far to uphold my youthful promise to myself. It certainly hasn’t been of a conscious effort. Rather, I owe it to my natural disposition, sub conscious mind, and of all things a near death experience. While I’m admittedly not thankful for the vast number of physical difficulties(painful ones too) I have come to realize that there has been an immense strengthening during those stretches of time. In a way time stopped for me on October 12th, 2012 when I unexpectedly suffered a massive stroke. After that point, my plans for ages 28 and 29, were taken on an extended detour. I struggled to bridge the gap and maintain things for awhile, but- as Dylan sings “The times they are a changin,” and that’s okay. Because there is good news rolled into the bad news of that reality. It meant, my suffering(and yours) would not last forever, just as the good times don’t last forever. Although my plight could’ve led to imminent disaster, quite the opposite occurred. I found those cliche’ sayings to ring true. It really is the darkest before the dawn! For me it was a slow dawning to the realization that, in what I once saw as a complete loss, was actually a complete gain! A gain of time rather than the loss of it. A gain of appreciation for beauty rather than the ignorance of the beauty Life holds. Most importantly, a leap in wisdom that usually only old age or tough trials can bring. I don’t claim to know it all, quite the opposite. -but- I do know that if you look closely at the trials in your own Life, you’ll find the strength to overcome rather than be overcome.
TO LOVE NY
” Somewhere between living and dreaming. there’s New York.” -unknown.
To love this bustling city full of skyscrapers whose lights mingle with the sky, turning into stars of their own is to love yourself. The city will test your strength, test your resolve, and give new meaning to manifest destiny. Rent isn’t too expensive, it’s simply the admission price you pay for a ticket to the best ride of your Life. This “town,” will present you with hurdles to access the most ordinary of activities, and then reward you with inumerable opportunities. The streets have worn down the rubber soles of my shoes like hungry children eating cake at a birthday party. It is not so much a glamorous life here, as it is a rewarding one. The apartments overflow with interesting individuals, that possess all levels of potential. However, there is no vacancy for mediocrity! If there is a diamond to be produced from a lump of coal, New York City will squeeze it out of you. If you’re open and willing you’ll climb the ladder in an upward direction. Here there aren’t streets of identical little box homes with cars in the driveway, and manicured lawns. Instead, everything is jumbled, different, and there’s a subway entrance that can take you around more than 665 miles of track. Laid end to end the Transit train tracks would stretch to Chicago. Riding a subway train opens up more opportunity to you than any car ride you could ever take around an identical block of houses! You see, there’s no special club you must join to live here. One only needs a heaping helping of ambition. If you find the prospect of getting groceries, washing laundry, or a trip to the Post Office becoming more arduous too much to bear, I’d be quick to point out that just as the mundane becomes ever more so, the same can be said of enjoyable activities. Suddenly there are oodles of openings in your chosen career field, leisurely and cultural events are within walking distance, and they happen frequently, often even for free. If you’re a person that can see openings where others only see closed doors, this place is for you. I don’t love New York for its image or even for the food, but for what it has contributed to my Life. I’ve learned that hitting the pavement, talking to everyone, and binge willing to hustle harder than everyone else, means your reward will be greater than what everyone else is getting. If you allow it to be, the city will be the stone that sharpens you. So, I’d suggest wherever you are don’t be afraid to put yourself in the uncomfortable position to be sharpened. However, it’s something that will happen a lot faster in New York City!
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Wherever you go, there you are
The Plight of Angels
Love may not be tangible, but the objects that result from it are. I can look around me and see gifts from each person that loves me. They adorn my walls, my desk space, and take up residence in my record cabinet! Each object is a token of love from an irreplaceable human. However, not all of these seemingly ordinary people are human, some of them are angels. Indeed one of these creatures was actually my nurse while I was sedated in the ICU. She prayed over me, sang the same songs, and today we share the same understanding. Much like a palindrome, where there are words hidden within, and it’s understood in both directions, an invisible river of a s shared experience runs between us that ties us together. We knew nothing of each other before She walked into my room, but that didn’t matter to Her, nonetheless She was going to put 200% of Herself into caring for me. Even now, I don’t believe I fully grasp the gravity of my situation in 2012. I have since learned that I was discovered on the floor gasping for breath in agony(a sign of a brain in the process of dying) and needed to be resuscitated. This was the state from which a team of humans(and many angels) were tasked with bringing me back from. I was on the brink of death, and they weren’t going to let me completely fall! During the time that I spent in a coma, I wish I could recall something, anything. However, that time instead is one big blank in the continuum of my timeline. While I lay unaware of my surroundings, the people that were there to observe felt the pain for me. Therefore, they experienced it just as much(if not more) then I did! Because of this lapse in consciousness, I’m discovering my own story as if it is happening for the first time. It’s a rather weird thing to have had such an earth shattering experience, but not to recall it. As many of the details that I’ve missed, I certainly have not failed to recognize the key players in my tale. Although, my story nearly ended in total tragedy, now that I’m awake(and alive) to take over the narrative you can bet I’ll have a happy ending. Life is what you make of it!
-XOXO BLEU
What Dreams May Come
One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.” -Tom Wolfe.
Most of the time, we can control what drops into our subconscious at night, no more than we can control the
Shoot for the moon!
-XO- BLEU
The Second Life is a Charm.
“First, I have to thank God for giving me the gift that he did as well as a second chance for a better life.” –unknown.
I’m only 33, but I’ve lived two lifetimes. Currently I’m on my second. In the first one I was a fiercely independent twenty something living in New York City, keeping busy, and working in a promising professional career. It was the beginning of my “adult,” existence. Living in a tiny room that I rented in a nice apartment in the best city in the world. I had a 401k under my belt, and nothing but big plans for the future in front of me. But of course, as they say “ Life happens while your busy making other plans.” And in my case, that saying proved to be true. Because I unexpectedly had a massive stroke and all those big plans suddenly fell through. In my second life I’m now a fiercely independent thirty something. Living in a pretty house in the woods, trying to figure things out, and life this time around has a lot less noise in it. However, despite my first go around I’m still making plans but they’re in a different vein. Rather then building on top of what I already have, I’m in the process of rebuilding. I used to despair over the loss of my former plans, but slowly I have begun to realize that in the new plans I can do anything. It’s similar to the joy I felt in moving to a new neighborhood where nobody knew who I was. I could go to the grocery store under dressed and not run into a soul I knew. The freedom of that was rather nice. Except, this time around that new neighborhood is practically the whole world. After the stroke I was thrust into a new plane of existence. I had a past but it did not define me, in fact I could choose to omit the parts of my past I did not favor. After the stroke it was as if most people were meeting me for the first time. There were no expectations or preconceived notions. I could tell them what I wanted and in being able to choose the past I liked, that eventually also meant I could choose whatever future I wanted as well. The massive stroke cleared the game board of my life so I was now free to set it up again how I liked. This by no means has been easy. In fact it’s the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I am just now beginning to see the freedom in what I previously thought was a death sentence. My future is still bright, and this one single event does not hold true for every area of my life. Because, although life is short there is still plenty you can do with it. Therefore, aim to live yours to the fullest.
Life is a gift, savor the unwrapping of it!
20 Days.
“It’s so fine and yet so terrible to stand in front of a blank canvas.”- Paul Cezanne.
It only took twenty days to upend twenty eight years of progress, now at the age of an adult I was starting over like a child. After waking from the coma(all twenty days of it) and being cleared for a med flight to a rehabilitation hospital I had arrived. Not only was I physically back in the same location I had started from before I moved(to New York) but also mentally starting over. With no job, apartment, car, or social life, I was left with only one thing… rehabilitation. I found myself so far down in the depths of life I had nowhere to go but up! My view from the bottom was one of complete hopelessness and loss. However, once I was farther along in my physical recovery(walking, eating, and communication skills) I began to see some light, and the burdens of the hospital were no more. I still had(and have) a mountain to climb but it’s much easier with the right tools and attitude. Once I began to shed the weight of piles of pills, a feeding tube, and the discomfort of a hospital bed I was free to breathe again. I quickly came to the realization that material belongings are meaningless, you reap what you sow, and that life is but a blur. Once I regained my determination and strength, it was clear what I had to do. It may have taken but a moment to tear down the life I had built, but now I had a chance to repair it and even better this time! One can only be so lucky(or unlucky if you will. Now, instead of hanging out in my New York City apartment on a week day night after work, sometimes I hang out with people at a brain injury support group. Is it somewhere I ever expected to be? No, but I can still see the beauty in it. I have enjoyed having conversations with people that are usually invisible in mainstream society and very likely by me too prior to the stroke. Except that I now I see them. It’s not a place I ever wanted(or expected) to be, but I’m going to make the best of it. Because rather then dwell on the past or get stuck, sometimes we just need to tell ourselves “Let’s just get on with it!” Do I suppose I am an injured little bird stuck in my circumstances? No, because in making the decision to get on with it I have found the hope to fly again.
unclip your wings,
Fervor.
“In every day, there are 1,440 minutes. That means we have 1,440 daily opportunities to make a positive impact.” -Les Brown.
Just as the ebb and flow of a river is changed when a large boulder is dropped into it, so are our lives when we encounter the large impact of another human being. Ever since the ebb and flow of my life was radically impacted I’ve been contemplating the effects that other people have on the course of our lives. Are we predestined as if by fate and have everything chosen for us? -or- are we but an energetic pinball bouncing off of different circumstances in an infinite universe? Perhaps it is a combination of the two. However, neither of these take into account the random impact that others can have on us. Some people will change your direction while others help spur us forward, and yet some will stop us in our tracks. While the impact from each of these is different they are all equally helpful. Why? Because, each one has brought you to where you are now or taught you a lesson in some way. Some of these human boulders are extremely helpful while others feel extremely unhelpful(at least at the time) but each one can teach us a valuable lesson. Besides the rivers of life being changed due to a boulder, we can also become stuck as if a dam was built to stop us. How does one get around a dam when it happens? Simple, you must find a way to open it and let the river flow again. Even rivers start with a small drip(headwaters) until they form a puddle which will begin to run down a slope in a trickle and eventually become a river. Although very small, this is where it all begins. Nature itself has shown us that big things can originate from just a small action. As with a river even if you’re going downhill, by beginning with a small (positive)action that accumulates into many, you too can become a mighty rushing river!
keep dripping!