Posts Tagged ‘massive stroke’

Perspective

I don’t always take my own advice, and today I was reminded of a  glaring truth that I sometimes choose to ignore. What was it?  “ It is within your power to change your circumstances.”   I  internally grimaced at the phrase. Because, change  means you( and I) have to stop making excuses. We have to grit our teeth and face our fears. We have to voluntarily put ourselves in  uncomfortable situations. It is essentially a process of self enforced growth.  We even have to accept the possibility of failure. However, one can never be defeated!  The only thing that can truly defeat us is death. Short of that, (or instead of)  you have a lot of work to do to reach your goals!  Whether it is seeing or creating a beautiful space when you live in the NYC Projects, envisioning fluid movement in a paralyzed limb, or  going after  a job you want, all three require perspective. You could see the projects as  a  one way ticket to failure in Life, that paralyzed limb as dead or lost to you, or- that dream job as just a far off illusion. Except ( and this is a big exception) you could instead view all these things as their opposites. The walls of those projects are not barriers, but places that can be beautified and a starting point. The left hand (or foot) that refuses to take orders from your brain or somehow has fallen into a deep slumber, is merely in an invisible cast until it’s fully healed.  The  interviewer of your dream job  just hasn’t met YOU yet, and therefore the position remains open. More than anything,   in order to change your circumstances for the better, it certainly helps if you see the unfavorable circumstances, of which you are  currently  in,  as a catapult, rather than a barrier.  You may not be where you want to be right now, but viewing your current position in a positive light, is the beginning of getting to your ultimate destination. I’m not living in my own apartment in New York City, like I was (or still should be) before  suffering a massive stroke. But, in the mean time until I get  back to that day dream, I am living in a wonderful home  that allows me the space and time for self growth, physical recovery, and  enjoyable activities.  Much of what goes on in our heads manifests in the outer world either positively or negatively. Since self fulfilling prophecy is indeed a thing,   begin to prophesize good things for yourself. Whether BIG or small,   You can achieve them all!

New Year, New You.

In anticipation of the events happening in the next two days, surely thousands have already worked out the plans they have for the next 365 ( or  approximately 8,760 hours)  to come.    However, in your pursuit of self improvement remember  that it’s a journey rather than a destination. As much  as you’d like to fast forward to your goal completed, it would be a mistake to miss  out on all the steps that took you there. Because each one holds in it a refinement of  who you are, and no detail should be forgotten.  It is within the work of self improvement that you’ll find  the greatest lessons. Each New Year, thousands of  confetti pieces ( a square inch in size) with wishes scribbled on them rain down on the heads of revelers  in  New York City’s Times Square. I  should know as I was one of the hopeful Souls to write my wish on a little piece of   brightly colored paper,  along with others  every Year.  It seems  sad  that these sentiments  will be swept away by street cleaners after the celebration ends. Yet even  so, the authors of the wishes will not forget them. One wonders how   many will come to pass, and how they will be fulfilled.  By sheer self determination? By chance? By   Life’s own serendipitous ways?   It’s difficult to leave anything up to fate, as we tend to relish control. But,……. Newsflash! The only thing you truly  have control of  is your response to the  circumstances of Life.  So, you do get to choose. Will you choose to be defeated or work towards  victory?   When your carefully laid plans are unexpectedly derailed, how will you choose to respond? This is as important of a question as  it is to  chart your goals for the coming Year. Because  as  any survivor of trauma will tell you, plans change, people change, and you will change right along with them. And that’s okay. In fact it is inevitable  that you  will change in the face of a derailment.  Except, in which direction will you choose to change? For the better, or for the worse?   If  the goals you set for this coming Year go terribly awry  will you choose to work towards them irregardless? Or  in a dark mood, will you scrap them?  I have a better (and diifficult)  suggestion. Keep going after them.  Not only will  this help maintain your motivation, but guess what? In spite of  a perceived  loss, you will gain, gain, gain.

Happy New Year!

The Plight of Angels

“All God’s angels come to us disguised.”  – James Russell Lowell

Love may not be tangible, but the objects that result from it are. I can look around me and see gifts from each person that loves me. They adorn my walls, my desk space, and take up residence in my record cabinet! Each object is a token of love from an irreplaceable human. However, not all of these seemingly  ordinary people  are human, some  of them are angels. Indeed  one of these creatures was actually my nurse while I was sedated in  the ICU. She prayed over me, sang the same songs, and today we share the same understanding.  Much like a palindrome, where there are words hidden within, and it’s understood in both directions, an invisible  river  of a s shared experience runs between us that ties us together. We knew nothing of each other before She  walked into my room, but that didn’t matter to Her, nonetheless She was going to put 200% of Herself into caring for me. Even now, I don’t believe I fully grasp the gravity of my situation in 2012. I have since learned that I was discovered on the floor gasping for breath in agony(a sign of a brain in the process of dying) and needed to be resuscitated. This was the state  from which a team of humans(and  many angels) were tasked  with bringing me back from. I was on the brink of death, and they weren’t going to let me completely fall! During the time that I spent in a coma, I wish I could  recall something, anything. However,  that time instead is one big blank in the  continuum of my timeline. While I lay unaware of my surroundings, the people that were there to observe felt the pain for me. Therefore,   they experienced it just as much(if not more) then I did!    Because of this lapse in consciousness, I’m discovering my own story  as if it is happening for the first time. It’s a rather weird  thing to have had such an earth shattering experience, but not to recall it.  As many of the details that I’ve missed, I certainly have not failed to recognize the key players in my  tale. Although, my story nearly ended in  total tragedy, now that I’m awake(and alive) to take over the narrative you can bet I’ll have a happy ending. Life is what you make of it!

-XOXO BLEU

At your funeral

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people at a funeral

“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”    -Garrison Keillor.

I’ll admit, I’ve gotten teary eyed at the thought of my own death and imagining my funeral. However, I didn’t consider how the other people would feel at my funeral. Perhaps this was a sign of my selfishness. As people We all fall prey to this  selfish thinking. That is one of the biggest reasons why I don’t bother caring what other people think about me. Because frankly, no one is likely  thinking that much about you except yourself! In opening up to other people more I’m more likely to feel emotion for them,which  naturally leads to a deeper connection. After being seriously hospitalized I no longer had to imagine my funeral, because I narrowly missed it in reality.  This time around in thinking about it  I became teary eyed for other people. This is because not too long ago my Father  gave me a  mental  picture of a moment in time that I was not present for. At the time I was in a coma which effectively blanked out a large portion of(20 days)consciousness. In sharing a personal memory He gave me an inroad to his reality during that time. While I was  in a coma, He played thumb war with my limp right hand. This is significant  because as a child We often played this silly game. All I could think of is how alone in a Hospital room He took my lifeless hand aside and tried  to bring some life back into that same small hand, just as it was when I was completely okay. This brought into reality someone  else at  my funeral. The thought of another person’s heartbreak, brought tears to my eyes and  not just for myself. It pained me to think of my sweet Father watching his  only child dying,and so badly wanting that little girl  of thumb war days back.  Imagine if We were all as receptive to each others feelings?  How then,would the world change? I wouldn’t doubt that such a thing would make World peace and the need for charities disappear. I have also found that the  happier I am in myself and excited about life, I naturally begin to connect with my fellow human beings(or want to for that matter). This is because it has a way of expanding your heart’s boundaries.

Cross your borders!

bleu