Posts Tagged ‘hope’

Cacoon

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“Sometimes when you go through a  dark period, you come out on the other side even more beautiful.”-unknown.

Everyone has gone through a dark time, in the beginning it’s always  difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel(or if there is any at all). After being discharged from the Hospital, and being able to  take into account the gravity of my situation, I saw nothing but  a  gaping  black hole,and at  times I still feel that way.  However, with a very large dose of some real hope(God and physical progress) I was finally able to start seeing if only but a glimmer, the light reflecting off of something  that I couldn’t entirely comprehend. Any  notions of a linear life timeline that I had  previously thought of was now effectively bent into all different directions. I had set myself afoot on a pathway that checked off most of the(in my mind)practical boxes. A  great secure job,a nice place to live, a savings,and a  closet full of clean( if fashionable)clothes.However, on this  new winding path, I had a problem, because my  previous path had disappeared on me! Now I was left blindly  searching to get back on   my path once again. It was as if I were  Alice in Wonderland  asking the Cheshire cat for directions and  I was beginning to realize  that  rather then follow a  path, I’d  likely have to make my own. Each of us is making a path,but sometimes you get stuck in a  particularly hard patch that’s rough to cut through. You can  consume all the self help books you want,but nothing quite teaches or shapes  you like experience. Besides cliche’ one liners can only comfort you so much, before you decide to throw the book out and write your own. The thing is, quite a few of those one liners are actually  correct. Particularly the ones on hardship,storms,and transformation(as the quote above). Unfortunately though, some transformations  can be painful. Just as a blacksmith beats iron into  shape, sometimes were beat into shape as well. The good news is, that We usually come out on the other side better. Even though I cannot see it now, my better sense  tells me that there is a dawn and it’s coming will  bring with it the  songs of the morning birds and my ransom from a dark cage. The question is, now that the path is gone,where will the new one  I forge lead?  Now his is the fun part(and terrifying)because you’ll find the answer is a  resounding, “anywhere!” It’s okay to fall off the path once in awhile, so long as you don’t stray too far and just know that you  possess the power to create a new one.

Fly high butterflyblue-morpho!

bleu

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Limits

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Do   your circumstances limit you? Not only can your circumstances limit you physically, but sometimes also mentally. I had a worrisome thought recently that perhaps my circumstances had begun to limit me mentally.(free your mind here!)This I think is worse then being limited physically(although neither is  desirable)because We operate best when were dreaming. I have always been a dreamer and a schemer, which normally gave way to accomplishments in reality. I  had a moment of the “f word,”(fear)when I thought for a moment(i.e a day) that because my circumstances had limited me my thoughts were also becoming limited. I have seen perfectly capable people limit themselves solely in their thought  lives. Our thought life is just as important as our  physical health, because our thoughts  determine our realities. Often my dreams have given way to real life successes. For anyone to mentally limit themselves or not be told  about our limitless possibilities  is a scary thing.  It wasn’t until I spoke to a longtime  friend that my fears were quelled. She pointed out that I haven’t let my circumstances limit me. I felt quite limited and hopeless because of my circumstances at times. However, as time  has passed I’ve  learned how powerful your thoughts are in relation to your reality. If  a nagging little voice tells you that you can’t, it’s best to  reply  “I  CAN.” Because more then  likely that’s the truth. Once I made  it  a conscious  effort to negate these limiting thoughts, a door opened where I once found it to be closed. At that point I  did what I could do,  to accomplish what I wanted. Even if it seemed small or insigificant.  This has resulted in signing up for a 5k(when I can’t totally run) and raising  money online to accomplish a daydream. Neither of these things were presented to me as possible. In fact they were deemed to be impossible. If your not the rebellious type just once do something just because people(and sometimes yourself)  tell you that you can’t. Without throwing all caution  to the wind, once you accomplish said “impossible,” feat you’ll  realize just how fun  it is. If you like having fun(I’m guessing you do) this may send you headlong into doing all sorts of things your not supposed to be doing. In time, after you’ve gone against this little voice and the naysayers   you may just find your life has changed.

Cheers& no fears!

bleu

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F is for Fear

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I  realize I have not been completely honest with you dear reader. In my definition of strength, I thought it meant you had to remain a pillar toughing it out on your own remaining  positive. While I am quite hopeful and idealistic, no man is an island. On the surface   the water is calm. However, drop a  rock of fear in and the ripples of doubt and worry unfurl into a large splash.   If I let one little pebble of fear in they quickly accumulate into a boulder.  Since I began reading this book(look!) my definition of strength is changing. Because, in the act of going it alone and not asking I’ve essentially left people out rather then let them in. The truth is when this tragedy occurred to me I had a lot to lose)and since  I awoke in a Hospital rehab it has been a small step away from spiraling into a black hole. I’ve gotten quite good at shutting my  thoughts off. If one little pebble of fear does eke it’s way in it’s a slippery slope. Therefore,  you have to find things to keep looking forward to. All of a sudden a  mall trip actually becomes a lifesaver(I don’t even like malls) the key is distraction. Besides distraction it becomes imperative to surround yourself with positivity and keep it near. Not only is positivity a must, but so are  good people. One of the strongest forces in this universe is  love and  during difficult times you can’t get enough of it. If you truly love people enough they will give you everything. In other words it’s not about material belongings or gifts but human connection. All of us are asking, “Do  you see me?”   As most of us know already(I hope) material goods are of little use or value if your not happy and healthy. I found myself so detached from consumerism( quite a change for me!) that my Mother had to tell me to quit giving things away. When  the winds of life pushed me  onto a different path I seriously began to question the need for anything but the essentials. When I was in my early twenties, I scrawled this quote in black sharpie(of course) on my wall “ The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them away.”-unknown. If I remove a picture on my wall it’s still there and  how funny  it is that this message  from the past to my future self still holds true, take that Back to the Future! If  something I have can bring happiness to someone else, I can’t give it to them fast enough. It has boiled down to, rather then a new sweater I’d rather make someone happy. Life is for sharing not accumulating things. It reminds me of the junk troll in The Labyrinth.db7f7a4a00977dcda52e880fb060daf3

She roamed David Bowie’s  magical kingdom with  a  heavy load on Her back. Rather then  making the  load more weight bearing, I’m attempting to  get rid of mine. I want to breathe lightly and clear. It’s  the air filling our lungs that keeps us alive. More burdens steal your breath. Whether it’s meditation, church, or remaining idealistic and positive that helps you breathe, whatever lightens the load for you  keep playing that hand.

 I leave you with a lovely tune,

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmRDM7GyJXE&w=420&h=315%5D

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Love lockets on a fence..

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     “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

If  I have learned anything on this healing journey it’s that like a fence were all linked together. The   influence of a few can be felt by many. Imagine a world where helping one another was commonplace. Perhaps that’s my 1950’s pipe dream. However, I’ve  seen the difference it’s made in my life so I can only conclude that it would revolutionize the world. If We could just envision our connections more clearly, perhaps We would see how paying it forward only benefits us. Even the notion of holding the door  open for someone else, it all adds up. I remember loving every act of kindness I witnessed in otherwise pretty selfish environments. From a young gentleman giving up his seat on the subway,  to the girl helping a woman  haul Her baby carriage down the treacherous stairs.  Each of these  acts may seem insignificant, but imagine if they ran rampant. The way a society treats the least of it’s members(i.e. the elderly,children,animals,the handicapped) reflects it as a whole. I’ve even witnessed a pair of homeless men helping out another with no legs on the New york subway at 3 a.m!   Those who haven’t struggled themselves fail to see others who are currently in  a struggle. Personally I’ve been rich, I’ve been poor,and I never saw as much as when I was poor. For what seems much longer, but  for about two years I have been living as a handicapped individual. In this position it’s easy to be overlooked and feel frustratingly  helpless. I’ve  noticed much more the people that open the door, go out of their way to help, and even kind words. On the other hand it’s been even easier to see acts of selfishness. There are even forays into the science of being selfless.(see here! Those who possess more selfish qualities fare worse in terms of survival in the wild. What does that tell you? Could not the same be said about humans? After all no man is an Island.  Just as lovers that symbolically  padlock themselves together on a fence in Paris, throwing the key into the river, so are We connected. My guess is there’s no finding  that key anytime soon so We should at least make the best of it until the fence rusts away or the padlock   gets cut off!

Cheers  and kitten ears,

bleu

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Love is all You Need

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                                 “A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.”

― John Lennon.

Through what has been a harrowing  journey, I think  one of the many bigger  things I have  learned is that  if you have a choice, when you choose love you can’t lose.

As you probably already know, we are all  connected like  the synapses of our brains, paper chain dolls, and even the cosmos. Much like them we too, shine on.

I rarely like to ask for things, but plainly put,(Donate button on the right please) I need your help fellow humans.

This request stems from  my journey in learning how to walk again  from being  half paralyzed.Early on in rehab, I used to pretend I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge(not an indoor track  rife with grandmas and grandpas)for motivation. However as I have gotten better, regained my balance, and amped up my determination I want to make this daydream a reality. Because  when things are bad you can push through them to the  other side. As a demonstration of this I want to walk all 1.1 miles of the bridge with friends and family to celebrate life, raise  stroke awareness,and inspire others to cross their own bridges in life My hope is to do it in the Fall, but if funds won’t allow it will have to  wait.Thus, if you will  each raise up your hands, I could crowd surf safely across them to  the stage.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3qvosHHcWc&w=560&h=315%5D

Love&Cheers,

bleu

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Road To the Heart

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“One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in five years.” -Tom Wolfe.

I passed out on a bathroom floor in upstate New york  and woke up  in a Hospital near my parents house in Michigan. A distance of 650 miles from the place that I called home. Needless to say I was swimming in a sea of hopelessness and loss. I had been  unfortunate enough to have  had a massive stroke, which nearly killed me and was  seemingly making my dreams of returning to my beloved city all but impossible. Suddenly the idea of  time passing terrified me. With each new day rather than look at the possibilities I thought of all the things I  missed or was missing out on. As far as I was concerned the prime of my life had been stolen and  was getting spent sitting  in waiting rooms, at a therapy, or  in Doctor offices. Recently I had the chance to go back and  visit my old neighborhood of Astoria Queens. Rather then saying  “goodbye,” as my Mother suggested I chose to say  “See you later.”  Luckily I found that not much had changed in the neighborhood, which quelled my fears of the world changing   drastically without me to be a part of it. I was somewhat  apprehensive before  the day  of visiting arrived, mostly because I was worried I would become very sad. However, once I had arrived  there everything was as I remembered  and  thus  it was actually comforting. All the time I spent  living in  fear  of  missing out was dashed. I chose to use this visit for motivation rather than defeat. I navigated the neighborhood easily(as I know it!) and   arrived to a dinner with close friends.                       

Afterwards I  left to have a toast in  my first apartment there.( Photo Below, right)

My former roommate and I laughed as We  reminisced and spoke of the neighborhood changes. In many ways I felt as if I hadn’t been gone at all. For months all I wanted to do was return to the city I love and I  believed it was lost to me.It’s very easy to buy into the naysayers that do nothing

   but instill doubt. Luckily though, I have some people that remind me of the YES. The visit was  wpid-img_8580.jpgnot only to see friends but to

get a surgery that would make a difference in the speed of my “road trip,” back East. Thanks to the love and support of many they’ve kept my gas tank full and the motor running. In many ways were all on a “road trip,” I just happened to break down along the way, experienced a delay, and had to take a detour. Along  with me in my vehicle each of my friends and family wrote me a letter ordrew me a picture. Every now and then I figure out that these  individual pages fit together, and wherever one is missing I write my own. Soon enough it appears that it’s becoming an Atlas that’s pointing me where I  need to go. Earlier on the map was destroyed and I thought I’d never find my way back to  where I wanted to go. Luckily though I have  some angels on my side that seem to be well equipped  with maps and

                               glue!                                                                                            Gastroteca Astoria below:wpid-img_8569.jpg

           See you soon!

 bleu

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Struggle= Strength

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“I didn’t know how strong I was until that was the only choice.”

I have always been fiercely independent and prided myself on that.However since having a near death experience I’ve also been severely dependent in some ways.For quite awhile(a year?) I have had someone around to help me even with simple things like getting dressed! I felt as though all my independence had been stolen from me.Seemingly trapped in a body that was not working for me,even the little things like getting dressed suddenly became difficult. It was strange to be asked questions by healthcare workers like “Are you able to feed yourself?” Because, of course that was always a given! My world had been turned upside down and in the prime of my life I found myself in a battle to regain it.Even small steps were big ones to me.All the things I had previously not noticed or taken for granted were in stark contrast to what I was dealing with now.I’m still in the battle but now I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.This morning instead of having an “assistant,” there to help I insteaddfid everything myself, even though at times it was a struggle as I realized I was doing it on my own again I increasingly became excited and proud of myself,not all too dissimilar from a kid finally tying their own shoes.That sense of accomplishment was worth the momentary struggles of getting dressed using one arm,even better I did it in under 20 minutes! The struggles of the past gave way to victory.These things are what make you stronger. Although we see our struggles as a pain in many ways they’re  the  stepping stones  to  an eventual (and equally glorious) victory.Through such a small feat to others I found(if only a sneak peek) some of my confidence and determination.As I wheeled(wheelchair) out of the room I looked at this picture(below) and said “See you tomorrow.”

560333_10150928137225101_1818725465_nMay you too be bold and find your strength,

bleu

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Behind the scenes

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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”- Wizard of Oz.
I finally decided to come out(not the closet)after talking to my Mum I decided I needed to have more transparency in my writing.
The truth as We all know it  is that life is not a happy Facebook status.Just like a Broadway show a lot goes on behind the curtain, and it’s not always pretty. In the very early stages of my recovery I was deeply depressed and of the belief I had lost everything in the prime of my life.I can recall a Nurse from the Hospital mentioning how I used to(in, inpatient rehab) randomly yell out of nowhere.I know why I was doing this, it was because I absolutely thought I had lost everything so it would build up into random screams and even late night full on crying panic attacks.The unfortunate truth is that depression is a part of many of our lives.When I found myself at the end of my rope, hope in a future and recovering is what saved me.I know there are loads of medications to help you deal when things get jagged.However, in not wanting to subsist on a high dose of synthetic drugs,I decided to turn inward rather then outside of myself.What I discovered was that I am far stronger and more resilient then I had ever known and I also became more spiritual.Because in a time of desperation I needed more than positive thinking,I needed a miracle.In a search for my own remedies to maintain my sanity I came across ways to help other people.If nothing else this tragic event has produced things in me that has seemingly created a wiser “old soul,” so my friend here is a list of things to help you if you find yourself depressed.
Consume more omega 3 fatty acids.
Engaged activity.
Physical activity.
Sunlight exposure.
Social support.
Sleep.

For a more comprehensive detailed list hop over here.
In this ever winding journey may you always find the light and beauty.

bleu

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Invisible Children

invisible-manInvisible children grow up to be invisible adults.
During the recovery process for my injury(i.e. killer massive stroke) I found myself labeled under the handicapped category.
While I don’t consider myself handicapped,I often glared at the parking tag hanging in my parents car window with hate.
Sure it gave us a pass to front row parking(often taken by the elderly or people not needing it!) and I got to cut lines, which would be great if I lived in an amusement park. However, while being part of the group under this label I learned a thing or two. It not only was cumbersome to get around that way(in a wheelchair),but also I began to feel inherently aware that people were either somewhat oblivious to me or stared.I began to feel like a beautiful Princess that was unrecognizable as a homeless mess that people just walked by while I sat on the sidewalk.I wanted the world to know who I really was.What I did find was a common thread between the people that still could recognize a Princess in the mess that I was currently in.They were usually kind,helpful,and sweet.I began calling these strangers that went out of their way to help me, door angels(for opening the door). I found myself having to dig deep to hold on to who I was despite the circumstances.If I was not so talented at daydreaming and the uncanny ability to ignore the obvious I don’t think I would have survived the very early days of my recovery.I imagined how other people must have felt in my similar situation.Those confined to a wheelchair or even worse paraplegic or quadriplegic.It would be easy to feel like a second class citizen,especially being a woman.In a society focused on sex appeal,you are certainly not seen as sexy in a wheelchair.This unfortunately began to effect how I felt about myself, so I could only imagine how others felt!
I thought back on the times I probably ignored someone who was either handicapped or elderly and it made me feel awful.Because unbeknownst to most people these individuals are very brave.It takes bravery to go outside when you clearly don’t fit in at all.It takes bravery to try things that you aren’t that physically good at,no matter how you look to other people.We all realize(I hope)how judgmental and focused on outward appearances our society is.Having said that I quickly found that going out in public in a wheelchair or wearing any adaptive equipment turned you into somewhat of a spectacle.I had to ignore or push through any feelings of alienation I had.The world was clearly built for people with no physical issues.On television I became acutely aware of the enormous lack of people with disabilities.I had just went from a majority to a minority and let me tell you,for lack of better words “It really sucks.” Now all I want to do is go back and out of my way to help people.Regardless of any social implications, this has made me recognize my own strength and brought more confidence to the surface.I’m still not sure if this has been a blessing in disguise or not.Between recently turning the big3-0 and this I feel stronger and more like myself then I ever have.One thing I have been pleasantly surprised by are the “door angels,” and the general acceptance or respect for those that do have issues in our society.In nearly losing who I was,I found out who I am and I learned to truly love the girl in the mirror.My hopes for you are that you too will find that kind of love for yourself without any near death experiences,but instead recognize the wonderful life that you have right now and don’t waste it!

Be thankful& walk in love,

bleu

Dear Santa

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Dear Santa,
I think you should know I don’t believe in you,but I do know a lot more about you then you think and I have a bone to pick!
I know that you ran off with Misses Claus soon after you were both married at the ripe age of 18 and joined the Navy.While you were enlisted you were also gone for a year when I was a baby.Misses Claus told me since I didn’t remember who you were at first when you came home, I would only communicate with you when you used your hand to talk to me like a naked sock puppet.Unfortunately the elves were not very savvy in building iphones and the like so you had to resort to cameras that recorded with 8mm film.When I see the pictures you did get,the North Pole looks a lot warmer then how it’s depicted in holiday folklore.Almost like Virginia Beach actually.While I could gripe about the many missed presents,I won’t because I got other things I asked for and some I didn’t!Luckily the elves are proficient at electronics these days,so watching home films on the wall is a thing of the past.However, why didn’t you hire that elf Steve Jobs sooner!? Because you didn’t, instead the Claus family had to use giant cameras and inconvenient memory storage methods.Even though you two dropped the ball on that one I forgive you,hindsight is 20/20.

Furthermore, you did catch the ball when it came to sending me to a good school,providing a roof over my head,not letting me eat too many cookies,(although you did yourself sometimes!)and fixing up numerous reindeer that I could fly around on as soon as it was legal.I must say for as busy as you were visiting all the houses in the world in 24 hours you always had time for Mrs Claus and I.When I eventually grew up and walked thru the Lincoln Tunnel to move to New York City, Mrs Claus and you even skipped out on the North Pole when I got hurt.Those songs are right, you DO know everything! It was worse then living with a psychologist or a psychic,if you believe in that sort of thing.Although you crazy kids moved away to the North Pole at a young age,it’s a lovely thing that you two discovered magic when you got there.That magic is still alive today every time my needs are met,I get driven to a place I want to go,have emotional support,the piles of paperwork that get done for me,and all the special requests met too.Since I have grown up with Christmas I know it means more then just presents,flying reindeer,and mass consumerism.Since I almost wasn’t around for anymore Christmas’s I think you and Mrs Claus know the magic that has worked and in many ways saved me, is love.Too many people forget that and instead focus on what the elves churn out.Speaking of mass consumerism,in the mall the other day,I heard the song ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus’ that kid was majorly confused! I slightly felt bad for him because I knew who my “Mommy was kissing,” and it was my Dad.So,thanks Mr and Mrs Claus for doing a pretty good job.

bleu

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