Archive of ‘Lost&Found’ category

Invisible Children

invisible-manInvisible children grow up to be invisible adults.
During the recovery process for my injury(i.e. killer massive stroke) I found myself labeled under the handicapped category.
While I don’t consider myself handicapped,I often glared at the parking tag hanging in my parents car window with hate.
Sure it gave us a pass to front row parking(often taken by the elderly or people not needing it!) and I got to cut lines, which would be great if I lived in an amusement park. However, while being part of the group under this label I learned a thing or two. It not only was cumbersome to get around that way(in a wheelchair),but also I began to feel inherently aware that people were either somewhat oblivious to me or stared.I began to feel like a beautiful Princess that was unrecognizable as a homeless mess that people just walked by while I sat on the sidewalk.I wanted the world to know who I really was.What I did find was a common thread between the people that still could recognize a Princess in the mess that I was currently in.They were usually kind,helpful,and sweet.I began calling these strangers that went out of their way to help me, door angels(for opening the door). I found myself having to dig deep to hold on to who I was despite the circumstances.If I was not so talented at daydreaming and the uncanny ability to ignore the obvious I don’t think I would have survived the very early days of my recovery.I imagined how other people must have felt in my similar situation.Those confined to a wheelchair or even worse paraplegic or quadriplegic.It would be easy to feel like a second class citizen,especially being a woman.In a society focused on sex appeal,you are certainly not seen as sexy in a wheelchair.This unfortunately began to effect how I felt about myself, so I could only imagine how others felt!
I thought back on the times I probably ignored someone who was either handicapped or elderly and it made me feel awful.Because unbeknownst to most people these individuals are very brave.It takes bravery to go outside when you clearly don’t fit in at all.It takes bravery to try things that you aren’t that physically good at,no matter how you look to other people.We all realize(I hope)how judgmental and focused on outward appearances our society is.Having said that I quickly found that going out in public in a wheelchair or wearing any adaptive equipment turned you into somewhat of a spectacle.I had to ignore or push through any feelings of alienation I had.The world was clearly built for people with no physical issues.On television I became acutely aware of the enormous lack of people with disabilities.I had just went from a majority to a minority and let me tell you,for lack of better words “It really sucks.” Now all I want to do is go back and out of my way to help people.Regardless of any social implications, this has made me recognize my own strength and brought more confidence to the surface.I’m still not sure if this has been a blessing in disguise or not.Between recently turning the big3-0 and this I feel stronger and more like myself then I ever have.One thing I have been pleasantly surprised by are the “door angels,” and the general acceptance or respect for those that do have issues in our society.In nearly losing who I was,I found out who I am and I learned to truly love the girl in the mirror.My hopes for you are that you too will find that kind of love for yourself without any near death experiences,but instead recognize the wonderful life that you have right now and don’t waste it!

Be thankful& walk in love,

bleu

Truth or Dare

truth“Those who help you up when your down also know what it’s like to be down.” -unknown.
Dear reader,I have a secret to tell you.While I have found writing to be cathartic and sharing my story to be important I feel I haven’t been completely honest.While I have mainly conveyed a hopeful positive person, that has not always been the case.As seen with social media sometimes we share only the best moments in life.Truthfully,life is messy! While indeed I am hopeful and positive about my life, on the other hand there are darker tales untold.I think sharing struggles is just as important as sharing the pretty things in our lives.Even more can be gleaned from the not so perfect.Because flaws are relatable,(were only human)after all “perfect people,”tend to incite feelings of jealousy or envy in others.I think by being honest it brings about closer relations and genuine meaning.To make a long story short through the trials and tribulations of recovery from a near death experience it has been a giant roller coaster.I have experienced highs and lows among the twists,turns,and bumps.Sometimes being flipped completely upside down. Among the highs were triumphs such as successful surgeries,happy moments and significant physical gains.However among the lows were such things as suicidal threats and in particular one near check into a mental health facility(not so fun)so obviously things have been far from perfect to say the least! Oddly enough I eventually found a way to come from those dark corners into a brighter place. I actually lamented that at least being “committed,”would have garnered some good albeit funny stories for later on in life.However, my parents did not find it as comical… Honestly what has gotten me through has been the belief in a God that loves me and wants me well just as much as I want to be well.That and my logical thought of, if I can survive what most surely would not anything is possible.Where it has been ugly and terrible I have also seen the beautiful and wonderful.

bleu

The best article Cosmo ever conjured

Usually Cosmo maga53c323e56950a_-_cos-01-coma-dezine is really good at informing it’s female masses about sex and how to please their male counterparts.However, with this more recent article (read here) I was pleasantly surprised as I sat in a salon with my head covered in tin foil.I was looking for some reading material to pass the time  while I waited for my hair to become a member of

the copper family,this is  where I met Penny Fisher.

The reason this article was significant to me is because I could relate.

Penny has a rather remarkable story as well.Additionally what’s more remarkable is Her attitude.

I quickly perused the pages of Cosmo expecting the same old vapid content,that is until I crossed paths with Penny.

This woman  had to forego multiple amputations,when some of us complain about our hair!

Needless to say perspective is everything.I found this particular article to be uplifting rather than another “puff piece.”

People need to  see more articles like the story of Penny Fisher. Everyday the world at large concerns itself with things that are shallow.In reality as people were not all that superficial.However, mass media would lead one to believe otherwise.The truth is that after such a life altering event occurs it’s difficult to relate to “normal,” worries  when they truly are quite petty in the bigger picture.Sometimes, I feel like a being sent back in time to deliver an important message.Except instead of a time machine  I came back from the brink of death to yell “Appreciate your life,” using media as a bullhorn.It’s not that either  of us(Penny or I ) lost a great life,but rather now we have a chance to make an even better one.While I have endured much suffering,out of the pain a  baby has  been birthed.This child I hope will grow up wise and knowledgable.When the dust clears on the playing field  I’m trying my best to continue standing there having endured a storm.I’m looking forward to taking a nice big gulp of  life sustaining oxygen again soon.Finally,besides the air clearing up it’s also clear that it’s important to have a clear mind and value the  correct things in life.Had I known what I know now,rather than gripe over minimal worries I would have skipped down the street handing out all my money to the homeless in NYC.If your main concern is  the subject of physical looks or money,or even your significant other your doing fantastic.Life is too short to live it in the constraints of the “worlds,”or other people’s expectations. Follow your heart but just don’t forget your head

bleu

Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland

aliceinwonderlandsequelhole

“You used to be much more…”muchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.

Much like Alice we are all on a journey to find our muchness.

I have found that my own personal journey has very much reflected the story of Alice in Wonderland.

Over the past year and a half I have met character after character.
The jabberwocky for me was the recovery and overcoming of  the massive stroke.
Many times I have been at a crossroads of confusion.
It was as if the Cheshire Cat was pointing me in all sorts of directions.

Screen Shot 2014-08-27 at 8.42.43 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, I couldn’t always listen to him but follow my own feet as best I could.

The evil queen of hearts for me though, resided in a large hospital castle.

She sent her army of doctors after me,while I ran thru a garden maze looking for the exit.

Luckily, I have found the tiny door to a room that leads out though.
When I finally return from the depths of the rabbit hole I have plans.
Like Alice,I too have large dreams and new frontiers to set sail for.
Alice keeps getting questioned who she is in the film repeatedly.
Until, finally the mad hatter recognizes her after she regains her”muchness.
I also was questioned repeatedly on who I was.
In test after test I determined to show therapists “I’m still here,  I’m okay!”
After months of outpatient therapy, I began to feel mad.
However as in the film:
“The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
[Alice checks Hatter’s temperature]
I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

**Cheers!**

bleu

 

 

Why I need to read more Wild(WILDE)

Clara Bow-Wings-circa 1927

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who  insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”
Oscar Wilde

ha, Exactly. In other words don’t treat her like everyone else. She is special.. durp. Here is another gem:

“I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the  most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of  what it is to be a human being.”
-Oscar  Wilde

and…

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single  word of what I am saying.”
Oscar  Wilde

——> More Quotes Here <———

I seriously nearly forgot how much I love Oscar Wilde, even though sometimes I find him arrogant he also has some great one liners. Today I found myself having a bit of the blues so….I decided to wander the Village (Greenwich) in search of ghosts. Perhaps if I looked hard enough a little of old New York would find me through an old relic or perhaps while sitting in a Cafe the ghosts of days gone by would send a little of their sweet energy my way. Cafe Wha? Being an everlasting monument to the days of yore. I could imagine the people who once filled the sidewalks late at night and wandered as I did, contemplating what it all means or just having a rip-roaring good time.

In a way, perhaps it was the combination of the damp chilly weather, nostalgia and reading semi-depressing literature that made me want to find these ghosts to extract some sort of feeling, of total self-expression, rock n’ roll, freedom and dark-eyed brooding. I wanted to time warp to when New York was something people still wrote about in books. The musical legends, the poets, the writers, the artists. That is the New York I fell in love with. So today I went searching for a little bit of it, if only whats left are cobble stones and pictures, whispers that drift in the wind.

I was reminded of my not too far off youth spent smoking clove cigarettes (they were black after all) and spending time in little indie cafe’s trying to decode what the hell James Joyce was talking about and/or day dreaming of being a heavy handed kohl eyed literary genius or simply Audrey Hepburn in her Beatnik garb in Paris dancing a perfectly choreographed piece “spontaneously.”  Then again I was supposed to start a garage band too….

This was the mood I was in so I was especially fond of this pop up shop I discovered in the Village that had a nice little array of somewhat dark material, I managed to grab a business card, worth a look-see below:

http://www.evolvinghabitat.com

Nature, little skeletons, splash dyed shoes, and light boxes of ships, wolves and owls… what’s not to love ?! There was also a little stand full of spooky necklaces that a couple had made with found objects and things from archeological digs, dating back to the 1800’s ! They were also sourced locally, Brooklyn, Manhattan, etc.. It was old and very much the type of relic I sought after.. I imagined by having it around my neck I could physically melt a little bit of history into my skin and carry it with me, some substance of an old city. I’ll have to go back for that one… Amongst the little gems I came across I also found a tiny store front painted in neon that was all Lebowski themed! Yes. It does exist and you can order online.

In my search for all things past and surprises present I was reminded of how much I love collecting old photographs of strangers and postcards too, especially ones written in beautiful penmanship no longer taught in school, to their family members or lovers. Love Letters and war-time letters are my favorites. They’re endearing, sometimes funny, sometimes sad.  You can find piles of these discarded memories and people in antique shops, leftovers from photography studios or someones attic. I enjoyed making up stories about what they might have been like and what their lives consisted of. I’ve always found it interesting how people can be fooled by illusions. A pretty face can obscure something ugly and vica versa… as cliché’ as it may sound beauty really is only skin deep so you better like whats inside the package as well.Unless you only care about pomp and circumstance. I like to skim more than just the surface.

Being a woman of 28, sadly I realize we exist in a world that increasingly seems to equate beauty with only youth in women …it goes backwards away from you as time lurches forward (Turns out you can apply moisturizer excessively but cannot stop the hands of Father time from creeping forward, I digress) I’d like to think somewhere there is an island, a society possibly *gasp* (or a Dove Beauty Campaign lol) that still values and celebrates us (and fantasizes! duh.) after we are no longer teenagers for christs sake. In a seemingly hyper sexualized environment that makes youth the ruler by which we all have to measure … Sometimes the immaturity of it all is disconcerting…..A flower is beautiful in full bloom but… I mean c’mon…. Is there any left…Guys? Robots?!? Aliens from Mars??.. Anyone?!!?… in this world that still find 20 somethings (and 30ish lol) more fuckable and interesting over youngins’ ?… ugh. alas. pardon my french, mon amis. I’ll just be over here in a cafe plotting world take over in frustration with the other (might I add…smokin’ hot ! Yowza ! haha..) “Grandmas” …  haha..Meh. I’m moving to another planet. And now…For your viewing pleasure ….a pile of wrinkles ! Nooooo ! ….on an adorable little creature… see below 🙂  Almost fooled ya! It was totally almost a picture of the Queen of England. wah wah.

While I didn’t fully accomplish my goal of finding a hookah bar and sipping tea whilst contemplating the universe, the point of it all?? and reading this current book I have … a tragedy so far.. (the heroine is just so heavy.. perhaps I should construct my own novel, or novella with a main character full of lightness …. yes? ) I did however indulge in some peppermint tea and vegan tacos at a small eatery and people watched. (Delicious in case you were wondering..)

Before my walk back to the train I briefly stopped in front of a palm readers shop and contemplated going in… I wanted the woman inside to reveal some hidden secret, or amazing future predictions or at least just tell me that I was okay. That somewhere in this shallow pond, deep thinkers and wise Men still existed en masse. I decided against it though and crammed the $10 back into the pocket of my faded black jeans. I’ll save it for another chilly damp New York City day.

I leave you with this parting gift:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxXW6tfl2Y0%5D

AND..

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKkp8R35l2g%5D

Even in the centuries which appear to us to be the most  monstrous and foolish, the immortal appetite for beauty has always found satisfaction.
-Charles  Baudelaire

It is the nature of the wise to resist pleasures, but the foolish to be a slave to them.
-Epictetus

******CHEERS !******

Fish Guts

So yes, I tend to spill my guts a lot, in a nice big messy pile on display for bystanders to see. Why? Am I an exhibitionist? Am I a masochist? Do I enjoy committing social suicide? I am unsure. Am I too honest and open? yes, probably. While I don’t see it as a negative, one must be cautious. It seems there are many sides to the die, as Weezer attests to (12 sides and more!) and in relation to people you may not like or expect every side. I have learned not to trust so easily (unfortunate) because people are not very nice after all… I have learned a lot so far in my 27 years and mostly how important it is to guard your heart. People will rip it to shreds given the chance. I am weary of this, I am down trodden and tired of experiencing this in myself and observing it happening to others. How and why do people become so.. I’m not even sure one word can sum it up.. Selfish? Cruel? Immature? Self Centered? Judgmental? Pretentious? For me this is the ugly underbelly of human nature, sure I believe people are good to a point, but I meet, like each of you have, people from time to time that test this belief. I also realize that it seems all of humanity is lurching and groping for some sort of connection, answers, LOVE. When Lennon and McCartney penned the lyric “All you need is love” they were quite right. Its simple, its true. However we have made a mess of love. It seems to me I see a lot of empty souls wandering these streets and some of them have hurt me but I know, I know, I only feel sorry-for them and secondly for me.. because Ladies and Gentleman we are in a sad state. You are much more valuable than you can imagine. If you’ve ever been in an atmosphere of turmoil and then been lucky enough to experience one of harmony/caring/kindness then you know the difference. If not, I’m sorry, your one of the many who needs to experience a revolution. One in thinking, in atmosphere. People are lonely; dissatisfied. Why? What’s filling your void? We’ve all got one and at least for me I know what fills it. Love. This can come in many forms. Don’t buy what the world is selling. Find your worth, it will change your life. Don’t give up even if people seem to keep pushing you down, after all, the night is darkest before the dawn. (and yes I stole that from The Dark Knight)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4p8qxGbpOk%5D

Now please, try and treat each other better.

Found Objects

So as I was walking up the stairs at the subway stop this caught my eye…
Now I don’t condone touching anything on the subway, but this bright lavender paper I had to pick up…wondering what it was I opened it and this is what I found….
Apparently it was a modern religious tract. A tract is like a small comic or book related to a message involving the bible/church/ideas. I used to collect them from the people that would preach on street corners and my Grandma had a ton that were old and due to content/time changes, bizarre. My all time favorite is one from the 70’s called “The Rock Called Punk” emblazoned in white lettering against a flat black background, inside it talks against the punk movement of that era. If you’ve ever seen The Decline of Western Civilization Exene from X collects them too. Its just a weird thing. I am not religious by any means.. in fact I think religion is yet another thing man has F&#%ed up. Anyway this tract is from Jews for Jesus, apparently here in N.Y. they piss the Jewish community off. I just found this entertaining not to mention the illustrations are great !! Enjoy.
(Click on any image to enlarge)