December 2014 archive

Behind the scenes

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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”- Wizard of Oz.
I finally decided to come out(not the closet)after talking to my Mum I decided I needed to have more transparency in my writing.
The truth as We all know it  is that life is not a happy Facebook status.Just like a Broadway show a lot goes on behind the curtain, and it’s not always pretty. In the very early stages of my recovery I was deeply depressed and of the belief I had lost everything in the prime of my life.I can recall a Nurse from the Hospital mentioning how I used to(in, inpatient rehab) randomly yell out of nowhere.I know why I was doing this, it was because I absolutely thought I had lost everything so it would build up into random screams and even late night full on crying panic attacks.The unfortunate truth is that depression is a part of many of our lives.When I found myself at the end of my rope, hope in a future and recovering is what saved me.I know there are loads of medications to help you deal when things get jagged.However, in not wanting to subsist on a high dose of synthetic drugs,I decided to turn inward rather then outside of myself.What I discovered was that I am far stronger and more resilient then I had ever known and I also became more spiritual.Because in a time of desperation I needed more than positive thinking,I needed a miracle.In a search for my own remedies to maintain my sanity I came across ways to help other people.If nothing else this tragic event has produced things in me that has seemingly created a wiser “old soul,” so my friend here is a list of things to help you if you find yourself depressed.
Consume more omega 3 fatty acids.
Engaged activity.
Physical activity.
Sunlight exposure.
Social support.
Sleep.

For a more comprehensive detailed list hop over here.
In this ever winding journey may you always find the light and beauty.

bleu

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Invisible Children

invisible-manInvisible children grow up to be invisible adults.
During the recovery process for my injury(i.e. killer massive stroke) I found myself labeled under the handicapped category.
While I don’t consider myself handicapped,I often glared at the parking tag hanging in my parents car window with hate.
Sure it gave us a pass to front row parking(often taken by the elderly or people not needing it!) and I got to cut lines, which would be great if I lived in an amusement park. However, while being part of the group under this label I learned a thing or two. It not only was cumbersome to get around that way(in a wheelchair),but also I began to feel inherently aware that people were either somewhat oblivious to me or stared.I began to feel like a beautiful Princess that was unrecognizable as a homeless mess that people just walked by while I sat on the sidewalk.I wanted the world to know who I really was.What I did find was a common thread between the people that still could recognize a Princess in the mess that I was currently in.They were usually kind,helpful,and sweet.I began calling these strangers that went out of their way to help me, door angels(for opening the door). I found myself having to dig deep to hold on to who I was despite the circumstances.If I was not so talented at daydreaming and the uncanny ability to ignore the obvious I don’t think I would have survived the very early days of my recovery.I imagined how other people must have felt in my similar situation.Those confined to a wheelchair or even worse paraplegic or quadriplegic.It would be easy to feel like a second class citizen,especially being a woman.In a society focused on sex appeal,you are certainly not seen as sexy in a wheelchair.This unfortunately began to effect how I felt about myself, so I could only imagine how others felt!
I thought back on the times I probably ignored someone who was either handicapped or elderly and it made me feel awful.Because unbeknownst to most people these individuals are very brave.It takes bravery to go outside when you clearly don’t fit in at all.It takes bravery to try things that you aren’t that physically good at,no matter how you look to other people.We all realize(I hope)how judgmental and focused on outward appearances our society is.Having said that I quickly found that going out in public in a wheelchair or wearing any adaptive equipment turned you into somewhat of a spectacle.I had to ignore or push through any feelings of alienation I had.The world was clearly built for people with no physical issues.On television I became acutely aware of the enormous lack of people with disabilities.I had just went from a majority to a minority and let me tell you,for lack of better words “It really sucks.” Now all I want to do is go back and out of my way to help people.Regardless of any social implications, this has made me recognize my own strength and brought more confidence to the surface.I’m still not sure if this has been a blessing in disguise or not.Between recently turning the big3-0 and this I feel stronger and more like myself then I ever have.One thing I have been pleasantly surprised by are the “door angels,” and the general acceptance or respect for those that do have issues in our society.In nearly losing who I was,I found out who I am and I learned to truly love the girl in the mirror.My hopes for you are that you too will find that kind of love for yourself without any near death experiences,but instead recognize the wonderful life that you have right now and don’t waste it!

Be thankful& walk in love,

bleu

When are you pretty?

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All little girls should be told they are pretty,even if they aren’t.”
-Marilyn Monroe.

We all know them,beautiful celebrities,and internet beauties.Men want them and some women want to be them.I used to look at photos of women I found to be beautiful,but I stopped.Why would I avoid this you may ask? Well, I realized that taking in another’s physical beauty made me forget and value less my own.It’s no secret that ladies fall into the comparison trap.How could you not when television,magazines,and some facets of social media are dominated by gossip and the admiration of beautiful women.Unfortunately that’s our culture,but I choose to avoid it.Because it only serves to bring you down and glaze over your own lovely attributes.Not too long ago I heard an interesting idea, that by reveling or envying another woman’s beauty you can forget your own and in a way disallow Her to express Hers.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.However, what if it’s in the mind? Do you feel prettiest in a physical sense(i.e dress,features,a body)or do you feel it the most internally? Some people feel prettiest when they get a certain look from a significant other,when their having a good hair day,when they help a stranger,or when they look good in clothes.I would be lying if I said physical appearance doesn’t matter to us.Indeed it’s as much in the mind as it is in a physical expression.I find the more I avoid the comparison trap,the more I see my particular brand of beauty.This is why We should all try to avoid these negative sources.It is wonderful how much better you’ll feel when you allow yourself to be built up,rather then torn down.We have all heard over and over the problems and complexities of raising a new generation of girls to be strong and value themselves.That’s wonderful but what about the grownup girls too!? Change occurs from the top down,so if we want a better future for females then said females need a good board to jump off of.This begins by everyone feeling pretty(awww)whether it’s on the inside or out for you it doesn’t matter.As long as you find it and I can promise you it’s there! I don’t like to make promises often,but this one is easy.I know that feminism can be a dirty word, but that shouldn’t make self confidence one!
Therefore go out there and fear no mirror! Instead look back at yourself as you imagine a person who adores you would.Find your favorite features,think about what makes you happy.If nothing else start avoiding the comparison trap and see yourself with fresh unbiased eyes.

Self love and cyber hugs!

bleu

Graffiti in the Temple

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“Life is a blank canvas and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.” -Danny
Kaye.
If the Bible says to keep your body clean as a temple then I suppose I’m in trouble.Usually I write about more serious or inspiring subjects.However as the holidays get thrust upon us and lurch ever closer,just like recess why not have some relaxing fun!?
Over the years,whenever I had to do a historical report or speech I would choose the subject of tattooing(sometimes vegetarianism) because I found that a once taboo art form reserved for Sailors and Prisoners was interesting.Also not to mention it can be pretty if done right.

tumblr_mskeu6acQU1r5cuu2o1_500Photo:Torrie Blake on Tumblr) Her leg piece!

I fully plan to get yet another(#8) to mark the experience of nearly dying and surviving to

begin a recovery with a flowing phoenix surrounded by peach and robins egg blue flowers.What’s more, thanks to the mention from a friend I plan on earning the money for it myself doing a small humble(but paid!) job.It may take awhile but it will only make it even more meaningful.Because,I wasn’t expected to live much less work a job! If our bodies are temples then you can call me a graffiti artist.

Unknown-3Photo: art by Banksy)

In closing,dear readers don’t be afraid to express yourself! Life is too short to worry about what other people think.

Be you Be beautiful,

bleu

Suggestions? Comments? Concerns?

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“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”-Albert Camus.

I’ve had this blog for two years now and what started out as a blog about  my life in New York City has turned into a story about beating the odds.However, one thing is missing and that’s YOU!  Dear readers since my blog is becoming more popular(or so I’d like to think) one thing I want to know is what you would like to see more of less of etcetera,and your feedback too of course! This will never be a closed comments blog.Honestly I have been in my fair share of constructive criticism sessions in my art classes,I can take it(ha-ha)people!

Therefore don’t be shy take advantage of the anonymity of the world wide web and let it fly(just be constructive.)

Gizmo!

**Cheers and mogwai ears**

bleu

P.S this is a Mogwai aka Gizmo————->

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Dear Santa

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Dear Santa,
I think you should know I don’t believe in you,but I do know a lot more about you then you think and I have a bone to pick!
I know that you ran off with Misses Claus soon after you were both married at the ripe age of 18 and joined the Navy.While you were enlisted you were also gone for a year when I was a baby.Misses Claus told me since I didn’t remember who you were at first when you came home, I would only communicate with you when you used your hand to talk to me like a naked sock puppet.Unfortunately the elves were not very savvy in building iphones and the like so you had to resort to cameras that recorded with 8mm film.When I see the pictures you did get,the North Pole looks a lot warmer then how it’s depicted in holiday folklore.Almost like Virginia Beach actually.While I could gripe about the many missed presents,I won’t because I got other things I asked for and some I didn’t!Luckily the elves are proficient at electronics these days,so watching home films on the wall is a thing of the past.However, why didn’t you hire that elf Steve Jobs sooner!? Because you didn’t, instead the Claus family had to use giant cameras and inconvenient memory storage methods.Even though you two dropped the ball on that one I forgive you,hindsight is 20/20.

Furthermore, you did catch the ball when it came to sending me to a good school,providing a roof over my head,not letting me eat too many cookies,(although you did yourself sometimes!)and fixing up numerous reindeer that I could fly around on as soon as it was legal.I must say for as busy as you were visiting all the houses in the world in 24 hours you always had time for Mrs Claus and I.When I eventually grew up and walked thru the Lincoln Tunnel to move to New York City, Mrs Claus and you even skipped out on the North Pole when I got hurt.Those songs are right, you DO know everything! It was worse then living with a psychologist or a psychic,if you believe in that sort of thing.Although you crazy kids moved away to the North Pole at a young age,it’s a lovely thing that you two discovered magic when you got there.That magic is still alive today every time my needs are met,I get driven to a place I want to go,have emotional support,the piles of paperwork that get done for me,and all the special requests met too.Since I have grown up with Christmas I know it means more then just presents,flying reindeer,and mass consumerism.Since I almost wasn’t around for anymore Christmas’s I think you and Mrs Claus know the magic that has worked and in many ways saved me, is love.Too many people forget that and instead focus on what the elves churn out.Speaking of mass consumerism,in the mall the other day,I heard the song ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus’ that kid was majorly confused! I slightly felt bad for him because I knew who my “Mommy was kissing,” and it was my Dad.So,thanks Mr and Mrs Claus for doing a pretty good job.

bleu

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Top Ten -er- 21

bucket-list

Since the New Year is nearly upon us, rather then write a reflective piece on the time that has passed and future things to look forward to,I decided to list some of the more fun or “crazy,” things I have done.Because naturally that’s more interesting and funny.Without further ado and in no particular oder Here it is:
1) Made a snow angel on the subway platform at 3 a.m. before the train arrived and after a snowstorm,I then headed to my midnight shift.

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 8.46.58 PM 2)Igot my motorcycle license to ride my Vespa around New York City,one of the smallest and only girls in a drivers ed class and among a sea of burly men(My Vespa w/saddlebags below)

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3)Spent an afternoon on a rooftop in a trapeze class,with the final trick flipping into the hands of the person across from you…
4)went bungee jumping,while my Mother unknowingly lounged on the beach and showed Her the video when I returned.
5)shot fireworks off the roof of my apartment,figuring if police were called I would spot them first(nah-nah-nah-nah-naah)
6)drove to Montauk with friends around 3 a.m. to sit on a cliff of boulders,drink cheap champagne and watch the sunrise over the Ocean…

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6)Often applied and went to job interviews I may have not been qualified for,but won them over somehow with my knack to succeed.
7) Climbed very steep and narrow stairs for a rooftop view in Italy.
8)Took a 4 hour safety class to go scuba diving in Turks and Caicos that afternoon!
9)Sang songs to a cozy group of lovely people at an open mic night in Queens NewYork several times(R.I.P Cafe Marlene)at a quaint and cozy French  Cafe in Sunnyside Queens.

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10) Bought ice cream to share with a young girl asking for money on the street.
1)Submitted my artwork to be hung and shown at a gallery in Detroit,Michigan.
12)Purchased a party bus or what turned out to be a full blown tour bus to celebrate my 21st birthday on,well into the morning.Best money I ever spent! 🙂
13)Was chosen by a successful designer at an Oscar Party to win best dressed.
14)Worked in Manhattan in the wee hours,thus I have many funny subway stories.Speaking of,witnessed a car full of Drag Queens playing tag in the middle of the night see also- glitter confetti

EVERYWHERE(picture below)

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15)As a joke tried to breakdance for quarters on the street in Ann Arbor,Michigan see also -I am too white.
16)Accidently sent some frat guys to a gay bar on a Friday night when they were looking for chicks, see also – awesomely hilarious!
17)Pulled a complete stranger onto a stage to dance,and afterwards He told me “Your body is poetry.” It’s a good thing I didn’t give him my phone number!
18)Moved to NYC on my own with no job and landed a prestigious job pretty quickly see also -Blood,Sweat,and Tears….
19)Boycotted Starbucks in favor of independent,local coffee shops see also- I’m a “hipster.”
20)Had my wish that was written on a piece of confetti dropped in Times Square on New Years.

Inconclusion,life is short and a New Year brings  more possibilities,and moments to remember as well as moments to seize.

I have had a brush with the end of my life,it came unexpectedly and without warning.I look back and revel in all the great moments and accomplishments  with a smile.I hope you will/do as well.A New Year brings more possibilities,and moments to remember as well as moments to seize.

Therefore live it to the fullest while you can!

bleu

Hungry Saints

I just love the way She related hunger to life and its spiritual facets,not to mention I used to be a waitress:)