November 2014 archive

Truth or Dare

truth“Those who help you up when your down also know what it’s like to be down.” -unknown.
Dear reader,I have a secret to tell you.While I have found writing to be cathartic and sharing my story to be important I feel I haven’t been completely honest.While I have mainly conveyed a hopeful positive person, that has not always been the case.As seen with social media sometimes we share only the best moments in life.Truthfully,life is messy! While indeed I am hopeful and positive about my life, on the other hand there are darker tales untold.I think sharing struggles is just as important as sharing the pretty things in our lives.Even more can be gleaned from the not so perfect.Because flaws are relatable,(were only human)after all “perfect people,”tend to incite feelings of jealousy or envy in others.I think by being honest it brings about closer relations and genuine meaning.To make a long story short through the trials and tribulations of recovery from a near death experience it has been a giant roller coaster.I have experienced highs and lows among the twists,turns,and bumps.Sometimes being flipped completely upside down. Among the highs were triumphs such as successful surgeries,happy moments and significant physical gains.However among the lows were such things as suicidal threats and in particular one near check into a mental health facility(not so fun)so obviously things have been far from perfect to say the least! Oddly enough I eventually found a way to come from those dark corners into a brighter place. I actually lamented that at least being “committed,”would have garnered some good albeit funny stories for later on in life.However, my parents did not find it as comical… Honestly what has gotten me through has been the belief in a God that loves me and wants me well just as much as I want to be well.That and my logical thought of, if I can survive what most surely would not anything is possible.Where it has been ugly and terrible I have also seen the beautiful and wonderful.

bleu

It’s All About Me

me-wordpress-com-domain-upgradeDo people really pay attention?

I used to think that sometimes I was better than other people because of my accomplishments.
The truth is that I’m not and that no one really even knows or cares about your accomplishments.
Most people are self focused, and odds are they aren’t talking about you either.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” -Oscar Wilde.
Unfortunately most people’s accomplishments aren’t generally acknowledged.
What I have found is that it doesn’t matter if people recognize it or not as long as your proud of it and don’t become too prideful(snob alert!)this lead me to think of those that are elderly or forgotten.There are people just walking around that have done immensely interesting things!
Because I have experienced this myself I for one try not to judge anyone too harshly.
At the end of the day, whether people see my inner being or not it doesn’t matter.Because I know myself and I’m very proud of it.This translates into confidence and happiness. However, being proud of yourself walks the fine line between proud and pride.If you too live on this Earth,chances are you too are an overcomer.everyone has had to overcome something.Some are more difficult than others but nonetheless we all struggle in some way.Regardless of the circumstance we all have deep down that fighting,suprise even yourself spirit.This is why at the end of the day no one should dislike looking in the mirror.Because if we truly saw ouselves we’d see something beautiful.What made me come to reflect deeper internally was the event that stripped me externally of anything seemingly impressive.Right now I don’t have a nice car or a lot of money,I don’t even have my prized amazing shoes! Currently I’m stuck in ugly velcro shoes,with a cane,and my left arm just hanging at my side ending in a hand whose fingers will not move for me. To the outside observer I appear to just be handicapped.Little do they know I’m not(to me at least!)nor do they know of my vast accomplishments.Furthermore I hardly appear impressive(ha-ha)but that doesn’t matter because I know.The wondering stares and lack of knowing about the real me no longer bothers me as it once did.Do you know how I accomplished this? Well, I looked at myself but really looked at myself.It doesn’t hurt that I have an incredible support system either.The poem And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou says it best:
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Dear friends and readers my hope for you is to feel this way too in the battle you are fighting.When you look in the mirror don’t only consider your exterior.
Like a pheonix may you too rise from the ashes!

bleu

FLY

I dig this cat!♡

The best article Cosmo ever conjured

Usually Cosmo maga53c323e56950a_-_cos-01-coma-dezine is really good at informing it’s female masses about sex and how to please their male counterparts.However, with this more recent article (read here) I was pleasantly surprised as I sat in a salon with my head covered in tin foil.I was looking for some reading material to pass the time  while I waited for my hair to become a member of

the copper family,this is  where I met Penny Fisher.

The reason this article was significant to me is because I could relate.

Penny has a rather remarkable story as well.Additionally what’s more remarkable is Her attitude.

I quickly perused the pages of Cosmo expecting the same old vapid content,that is until I crossed paths with Penny.

This woman  had to forego multiple amputations,when some of us complain about our hair!

Needless to say perspective is everything.I found this particular article to be uplifting rather than another “puff piece.”

People need to  see more articles like the story of Penny Fisher. Everyday the world at large concerns itself with things that are shallow.In reality as people were not all that superficial.However, mass media would lead one to believe otherwise.The truth is that after such a life altering event occurs it’s difficult to relate to “normal,” worries  when they truly are quite petty in the bigger picture.Sometimes, I feel like a being sent back in time to deliver an important message.Except instead of a time machine  I came back from the brink of death to yell “Appreciate your life,” using media as a bullhorn.It’s not that either  of us(Penny or I ) lost a great life,but rather now we have a chance to make an even better one.While I have endured much suffering,out of the pain a  baby has  been birthed.This child I hope will grow up wise and knowledgable.When the dust clears on the playing field  I’m trying my best to continue standing there having endured a storm.I’m looking forward to taking a nice big gulp of  life sustaining oxygen again soon.Finally,besides the air clearing up it’s also clear that it’s important to have a clear mind and value the  correct things in life.Had I known what I know now,rather than gripe over minimal worries I would have skipped down the street handing out all my money to the homeless in NYC.If your main concern is  the subject of physical looks or money,or even your significant other your doing fantastic.Life is too short to live it in the constraints of the “worlds,”or other people’s expectations. Follow your heart but just don’t forget your head

bleu

Posted in Life, Lost&Found // Comments Off on The best article Cosmo ever conjured

Hoo are you?

images-1

“Are you your looks,accomplishments,things you own,or things you have done?”

I used to attribute my value to things outside of myself.

When I told others about where I was from or lived I was often times met with reactions of being impressed.

This told me that others also identified value with things outside of  themselves.

Your not your house,your car,or  even your job.

However, you happen to be your children,your  significant other,and your friends(guilty by association!) all these people are reflections of you and also express a portion of your  soul(mind+emotions+thoughts)   were more than just a physical body(despite science class explanations…) but we also have a spirit.I realized one day that each of my friends served a valuable purpose in my life and reflected part of my personality  as well.I’m not just where I live or what I do.I am at  the very core a spirit and so are you.We each posses a spirit that drives us in the direction of its characteristics.

What I have found is that indomitable human spirit that  continues moving forward despite circumstances.

Contrary to anything physical that other people can see,we have an entire world  happening internally.

It’s in this world where our thoughts,ideas,and emotions originate.

Things flow from the internal to the external and not the other way around.

Therefore nothing outside of yourself can define you.

You set your own limits as well as  how far you will go.

We can all go as far as we want to!

I find that idea fun& exciting.There is no reason to give yourself a glass ceiling.

Moreover where your motivation originates can also dictate the outcome.

If the motivation is material odds are you won’t go terribly far. On the contrary if your motivation is of the immaterial chances are those ceilings won’t exist for you.

The greatest actions I have seen usually come from a place of love.

When you have only  yourself to gain and nothing to lose.There is no telling where you can go.Finally  try to forget the pre-conceived notions of what makes us successful and valuable and instead recognize accomplishments and your spirit world. Inanimate objects will always be there, the world is full of unnecessary material items that don’t really matter.While material posessions abound, there is only one you.

bleu

Go for Gold

fort_knoxgold_397x224

When I was first discharged from inpatient rehab to my parents home for recovery I was not only upset and accusing them of kidnapping me, but also determined to regain my life even down to the same iphone.I was pre-occupied with trying to recreate as much of my life that I could prior to the “incident” (i.e massive stroke) however lately I have found that baby step by baby step things are actually better in some ways then before(hello iphone 6!) not only are those small things victories to me but also superstitious things like catching the clock at 11:11(a great sign in numerology) all the time.These may seem like fleeting moments to someone else in a fast paced life however, with a life seemingly in a slow motion car wreck those little things become larger.Many things that I too hardly noticed before have made themselves known, and in knowing them they have carried me across the burning coals of a harsh reality.I have learned that by giving myself smaller achievable goals and crossing them off everyday it leads me to tackle the larger goals much easier.As I progressively make more and more headway,suddenly the impossible becomes possible.I was often met with raised eyebrows and “We’ll see,” responses when I lamented my goal of (or better yet obsession)returning to New York City.It’s amazing how impenetrable your skin becomes when your determined.I don’t totally blame those responses.After all to an outside observer here was a young girl appearing to be crippled declaring a return to something seemingly impossible.I too felt it was hopeless at some point.Except at some point through a combination of crossing off goals,hope,real gains,and determination,those statements no longer seemed so incredulous anymore.At this time I’m embarking on becoming more independent and more like myself before the “incident.” I have vowed to do all I can in regards to my ongoing recovery.I also try to spread encouragement to others along the way as much as I can.
In sum after this happened to me it quickly became apparent that were all connected.Whatever small gesture of kindness or help you give to a stranger, it’s important just to do so.Each person that I have encountered during my recovery has been an integral if small part to a bigger picture.At times I have felt like Alice in Wonderland encountering different creatures along a winding and unfamiliar path.Much like Alice, I too have seen how each of these creatures(i.e people) are culminating to create a complete picture.Eventually I know I’ll emerge from the rabbit hole.Once I emerge,I plan to live like never before.When you almost lose it all,but manage to survive everyday things become much more precious.I won’t let any opportunity or a person in need pass me by without taking notice or action.Perhaps I’m of the hippie persuasion, but love does cast out fear.Imagine a world enveloped in love as oppose to fear or turmoil,isn’t that a place you’d like to be? Instead of daydreaming about it go out there and help create it,bringing it into reality.

bleu